Friday, April 01, 2005

Itchy and Scratchy

My fanny is itchy today. Itchy to the point of distraction! I sit here typing this trying my best not to scratch, but I'm squirming around in the chair, trying to indirectly scratch it *sigh*. Why are us women plagued with such personal problems?? I'm so glad I'm not at work today. I can see it now;

"Good Morning" *wriggle*

"Morning dear, Mr Smith to see Dr Jones at 9.30"

"Thank you *wriggle* Mr Smith, please take a seat *wriggle* and the doctor will be with you shortly" *wriggle wriggle*

Being in a relationship in my predicament, it's not like I've been doing anything peculiar with my fanny is it?? So why this torture??

A few years ago, I attended my first "Dvice" sextoy party...it was great fun...we all had a ball of a time, got educated in some areas and I was surprised but impressed by the host, who actually personally demonstrated the nipple shields.

That night I purchased a set of love balls (aka ben wa balls)....apparently these are great for strengthening your pelvic floor muscles (I wondered how effective these would be for the old dears that have problems with being incontinent). Strengthening your pelvic floor, also means more intense orgasams (way hey, what girl's gonna turn that down?).

First time I attempted to insert them, I ring my best mate...."Hey, get a load of this"....*drop phone to nether regions...jumping up and down*..."clonkety clonk*....."OMG, I can hear them!" she exclaims...."I...KNOW!! I reckon I've not got em in properly".

That afternoon, I go shopping with another close friend...I hadn't told her I was wearing them...... to be honest, I'd forgotten I had them in by then. Actually, once I'd insert them fully, I didn't notice I had them in at all...unless I was driving round lots of corners...or judder bars...oh my, the judder bars!

Anyway, we're walking through the mall and I cough...unexpectedly and sharply....one flew out...hit the marble floor....ricochetted across to the dining area and smacked a poor elderly gent on the forehead, leaving him with an instant bruise the size of an egg.

Nah, just kidding. But there was definitely a shift down below and one dislodged and was now sitting quite comfy, right in the entrance of my fanny. "I just need to go to the toilet, back in a sec" I tell my friend....and I walk as normally as possible for the nearest public toilet to organise my balls and their rebellious nature.

Do you think they'd get picked up by airport security and their xray machines? *wriggle wriggle*
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