Thursday, June 14, 2007

Exhaling....

I wrote a post in February that I never put up. I'm actually glad I didn't post it at the time because I imagine the outcome would only be seen as stereotypical of the circumstances. ANYWAY, without further ado, here it is, make of it what you will, and I'll try my best to fill in some of the blanks occasionally.

***
February 8

I told him I loved him this weekend. In fact I stopped him right in the middle of making love and told him. I've always thought it was never a good idea to say those words during sex. Mainly due to all the hormones going wild and not being completely in control of what's going through your mind. How does the receiver actually know you genuinely mean what you're saying? How do I know I genuinely mean it?

I know that's why I stopped him. I wanted to make sure that in some crazy way the words were separated from what we were doing. I didn't want them to be lost in the heat of passion. I wanted to make sure he heard those words...I wanted to make sure I heard them coming out of my own mouth. That way there was no mistaking what I'd said. I needed to be heard. Get me eh? Making sure I have silence when I speak, ha ha ha. *sigh*

The night before I knew it was going to come out soon....the warmth washing over me....I didn't understand, or want to understand, what it was or where it was coming from. I chose to ignore it. Just as I had been ignoring it for the past couple of months. It's easier that way you know? It was safer to pretend I wasn't starting to lose control of my emotions.

I lay there that night as he slept, thoughts going around in my head. I thought about how my body could be pressed up against him and I still felt I couldn't get close enough. I thought about how I longed to be touching him always...in any way possible. I thought about how easily we seem to fit together. I thought about the way my body reacted so instantly to his hands...again and again.

And I sit here now and think about how we never run out of things to talk about....the communication between us goes beyond just physical. I think about how I feel inside when he crosses my thoughts. And I think about circumstances and possible consequences, the risks I've taken by saying those three words. I wonder what on earth I'm doing putting myself into such a situation. And yet now that I'm here, I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. It has a surreal quality to it.

Most of you will know, I like to have a semblance of control over what's happening in my world. When my emotional equilibrium is at stake, I push back and dig in my heels. Yep, that's me...I can be counted on to deny anything that might give my foundations a good shake. Fuck, where has being in denial ever gotten me before? Nowhere, that's where. Or in situations I should never have been in in the first place. So maybe it's a good thing it came out? Maybe it's a good thing to stop rebelling? I know it was a great relief to finally say it out loud.

I felt I'd been holding my breath for so long.

I don't know what tomorrow holds...I have even less idea what next week will bring....but what I do know, is if I had continued to deny something that feels so good..so right...I'd forever regret not exploring it further. Yeah I know, I'm practically gushing aren't I? Me? Who'd have thought? Ya know?..I think I've lived my life on too many sentences that started with "What if...?"

And I think about how much I enjoy the company of this charming, intelligent man, with his ready smile and beautiful heart, and I see a quiet strength in him like no other. I'm fascinated at how easy it all feels. Is this how it's supposed to feel? Requiring no effort? Do not pass GO, do not collect $200? Just being? Whilst I feel like screaming "YES!" in answer to those questions, I'll keep a rein on it and go with a quiet "Maybe". And that's not because I think I could be wrong, that's only because I'm scared shitless.

So there ya go. I said "I love you" and I have so many different emotions rushing through me now because of it. I feel raw and vulnerable. I am terrified of getting crushed....and if I think too hard about any of it, I feel breathless with how truly frightened I am. I appear to have lost any strength to keep it together....it's like only my weaknesses are on show. I'm not liking that much but it's as if I can't help myself.

For now, besides being perturbed I can't see into the future, I find myself with no other option but to go with the flow and see where the current takes me. There seems no point in fighting against it anyway...it's obvious I already feel like I'm drowning.

****

It took me a while to start breathing normally again after reading this back to myself today. And as some of you are aware, at the end of February I thought I was going to stop breathing altogether. I didn't of course...I drank too much and wrote this instead. That's when he let me know he was going to try again to see if he could make his marriage work.

I can't begin to describe how empty and numb I felt hearing that. As I discovered a few days ago, I still can't speak of that time without tears being involved. I was talking with an online friend and as we discussed it, I could feel them starting to build. I even remember stubbornly saying "...and I am NOT going to cry!" And then she thought our connection had been dropped because I muted the mic and cried anyway lol. What an emotional cry-baby I am *sigh*

If it's meant to be, it will be. And it IS meant to be.
| (0)Blogger

<< Home