Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ironing Out the Kinks

Hm...I'm doomed if that's the case. I think you probably know by now, that not much in my life is straight. Oh, my sexuality, that's definitely straight (except that one time waaay way back when I was messing around seeing what it was like...yeah, so I kissed a girl and I didn't like it. No cherry chapstick maybe? Anyway, who cares, nuff of that).

When it comes to my household...and my background with men...not very straight. But hey, I'm working on it and as far as I'm concerned I'm on the straight and narrow now, so you can breathe a sigh of relief. God knows I put some of you through some tough reading with all my to-ing and fro-ing a while ago.

I can procrastinate too long at times, and chop and change my mind so often that my life can become virtually akin to zig-zag formation. Not a bad fashion statement in the 60's but under the "OMG You're Kidding Me?!" heading on the mental stability front. And it doesn't stop my brain from having the occasional moment of confusion (yeah whatever, hush up).

A question was asked on the radio the other day, and I can't remember it verbatim, but it was something like "Who can you trust more than anyone or anything else in the world?" Basically that person(s) you know you can always count on and trust with your confidances etc...that's how I took it to mean anyway. I thought about this, and realised that amongst all my loved ones and closest friends, two people in particular stood out.

The first one was Cameron...the second, Anna. I know that regardless of whatever crap I get myself into, whatever half-brained situation I find myself drowning amongst...those two in particular will always, always be there for me. They'll pick me up, drop me off, give out sound, honest opinions and rescue me from myself more times than I care to recall. Granted there are several people I can trust in my inner circle, but possibly not to the same extent as those two. Unconditionally, they've become my wing men over the years.

If any of my other close friends are reading this, I hope I haven't offended you by not putting your name up here. By ommitting your names, it also doesn't mean I love you any less than the two mentioned. Cameron and Anna, I believe, give me a security of trust that goes deep, never flounders and has taken many years to build. I really hope I give the same to them in return.

A couple of months ago, I had a 'moment' about Dan. (Well, I've had shitloads of 'moments' over the past 18 months, but this was after he moved out of the house and after I burned my bridge with Neil ok?) Dan was off out for the evening, just to the pub to watch the rugby. I thought he'd ring me when he got home later that evening...not unusual, in fact pretty typical any other day....but he ended our call with "I'll call you tomorrow after work".

NOW...here's where the moment struck (btw, this is the first he's heard of it, so it's all news to him...er, Hi Dear). My mind launched into the zig-zag rumba and had phrases running at it, break-neck speed. "How come he's going to wait until that late tomorrow?"....Do you think he's actually going to be seeing someone else and staying overnight?...."Why wouldn't he ring me in the morning before work, like usual?"..."Because he's going to be busy doing something else WITH someone else?". They were coming thick and fast and appeared to be never-ending..."WHY AM I EVEN HAVING THESE BLOODY THOUGHTS??!" (ok, we do know some of the "why", but let's not go down that road right now, if at all.)

I remember that night vividly...I almost made myself sick. You know the pathetic drivel that can get so out of hand you're practically having heart palpitations and want to burst into tears? During this brain-churning session, Cameron came into the room, took a look at my face and said "So? What's up with you then?"...and all that shit came tumbling out. You know sometimes how it's easier to say it out loud?...get it off your chest stuff? Times like this? it's awful...words of insecurity can hang in the air. They sit heavily up there and you panic thinking that everyone is going to see them and think you're a fucking moron...all you really want is someone to come along and shoot them out of the sky.

True to form, Cam used his verbal gun and helped eliminate those thoughts, finishing up with "Gee Mum, Dan wouldn't do that to you." That was really nice to hear at the time and I could feel myself physically relaxing. If Cameron trusted Dan enough to say that, then I was obviously being a complete plonker to entertain such a thought. Course, then he wandered off down the hallway saying "Besides, he needs to be married to you first, lol" !!!!!! Funny boy...not.

I've run out of time, and this is probably not the best place to stop, but I've written enough for the moment. Besides I've managed to get off track and can't figure out where I was going with it now...I really did have a direction when I started this lol.

I'll follow up and finish off once I get it straight in my head again haha *groan*
Friday, June 20, 2008

This, That and the Other

Just a quick catch up on some of what I've been doing lately. (Please excuse the quality of the photos, I've taken them with my phone.)

I flew down south on a whim a couple of weeks ago...you may remember that...I blogged from Dan's while I was on my second drink. It snowed while I was there! This was very exciting for me. I've never been in the snow before. Course for Dan it was just a damn nuisance and while I was busy outside taking a few photos, he was busy inside telling me to "Close the bloody door!" lol. (He did however come out eventually, but only to make a snowball and then pose for a photo that I could send to Jaimee.)


I made scones...and they were good. True story! They really WERE good! I had to use scone mix though....I've discovered it's the only way I can get decent scones. Honest to God, I've tried just about every other way/recipe, and this is it. Buy scone mix from supermarket, add water. Wa la!


I helped Anna and Jason pack up house. They're moving this weekend to a larger/better house...AND the more exciting news is...they're pregnant! AND even more exciting for ME, I'm godmother to this new baby. Cool huh? So, theoretically, WE'RE pregnant, woo hoo! As of today, 9 and a half weeks, so this could feel like the longest pregnancy in history lol. Here's a pic of Jaimee, who helpfully packed herself into the cat's cage last night.


Last month when Dan was up, the two of them baked a cake. This is Jaimee cleaning up after Dan.


This is Dan cleaning up Jaimee.


And this is after Aunty Lisa has cleaned Jaimee properly...including a discussion about not wanting to have hair washed or even wet (and yes I do look this gorgeous when I'm wearing that shower cap...it's the only reason I use it).


Cameron's on a break after just finishing his first set of uni exams. I think he goes back in a couple of weeks time. In the meantime he's back working for Dad for some pocket money.

Ryan's course only has about 4 weeks left before he's finished for the year. I believe he's had a decent enough taste of this to know now whether he'd like to continue on this path...I haven't yet had the chat with him to find out if he wants to enrol fully next year. For the time being I think he's going to be working at the service station almost full time until that decision is made. It's very difficult to know anything for certain when it comes to Ryan. I don't get a lot of information from him full stop. So like I have for the last few years with this boy, I tend to fly by the seat of my pants and keep my eyes open in case I miss something.

This is my sanctuary, the orchard.


I haven't been up there for a while and probably won't too soon due to my tenants moving out downstairs recently. I'm in the process of getting some quotes to have the carpet replaced before I advertise. I'm hoping the carpet people can do that before the end of next week. Obviously I count on the income...and the lack of extra funds...which would help put petrol in my car at the exorbitant price it is...is not getting me to the orchard in a hurry. It all just means I'll enjoy my time even more when I DO get up there lol.

I think I'm going to have to do a month where I post every day...you know, like one of those things that Jo did in November? Post every single day regardless of what it is or what I'm doing. I'm gonna try that. I think I'll go for July. What do you reckon? Worth a shot anyway. I used to be able to do it without even thinking much at all (post daily that is). I need something to get me back into the habit of regularly blogging. Anyway, July it is. *fingers crossed*

It's now Friday night here in New Zealand so I will wish you an early happy weekend. Have fun, I hope I do too! *mwah*
Friday, June 13, 2008

Magnifico!

If you've been reading me for a long time, you'll be aware that my bed needs fixing. That is to say, it squeaks...loudly. So loudly, that it distracts those using it, from the quest at hand. To remedy this problem...and it IS a problem if you're a teenage boy trying to sleep, study or hang out, in the room next door... apparently a screw extractor, or an 'easy out' is required. From what I can gather, they're not always that successful.

I need a new bed. Mainly because I'm not sure how I'm going to fix the one I've got. Dan thinks it's unnecessary. And he'd be right, if he was sleeping on his own in it....or I was sleeping on my own in it...which at the moment, I'm doing the majority of the time. But, when we're both in it? We need a new one. Any kind of movement on it makes it creak, let alone when you're really wanting to get ya motor running, so to speak.

So anyway, a couple of weeks ago my mate Fi sent me this link and told me to give it a try.

Here's my result:

"76% Italian. Making love is a religious experience.

Passion is everything. Merely holding hands with your loved one can move you to tears and you periodically set fire to your bed after sex as a sacrifice to the Gods of Love."


I have to wonder what the other 24% of me is supposed to be, but for now, and because it's suits my purpose, I'm 76% Italiano.

"BRAVO!" I hear you cry...and again..."BRAVO!"

So, I'm thinking...next time I'll have a valid reason for purchasing a new bed....it's only right that I allow the Italian within me to reach it's full potential. It'd be rude not to set the bed on fire, right? Ya see? I just knew you'd think so too.

Never underestimate the cunning skillful thought process involved, when a woman is efficiently twisting assessing a situation and determining that shopping can be the one and only conclusion. heh

Eccellente!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Honey, I'm Home!

Well I'm back in Wellington. Flew home late last night. Clear skies, no wind, so rather uneventful. The cabin crew however was another story. They were chatty, friendly and full of quips and wise-cracks over the PA system.

For instance,

"Here at Pacific Blue, we pride ourselves on having skillful and efficient pilots, and the most up to date technical equipment. We also pride ourselves on having the most good looking cabin crew."

"Unfortunately they couldn't be with us on this flight, so you'll have to put up with blah, blah and blah* this evening." (*Not their real names.)

and

"We're about to dim the lights for take-off, so if you were thinking of making a move on the person next to you, now would be a good time to do it." Then hissing eerily into the microphone: "I know what you did last summer!"

While the above brought a smile to my face, it didn't change the fact that I'd left Dan behind. It's lovely to be a normal couple in the same space like everyone else. As I stared out the plane window during the flight, my heart sank at the reality of knowing the following morning he would not be within arm's reach. Boo.

Still, progress is progress and if I cast my mind back 12 months, I should have nothing to complain about. Back then there was obviously no way I could fly down south on a whim.

Arriving in the door at home I was pleasantly surprised to see the household in good order. When I left there were boxes of computer equipment scattered around the lounge and enough teenage boys for Africa (slight exaggeration, maybe just for Australia, whatever). Last night the lounge was tidy, vaccuumed even *gasp*, the kitchen clear and all the laundry done. Plus the cat was still breathing (oh well, can't have everything).

Cameron kept a tight rein on the goings on around here...to the point where he'd told Ryan on Friday night, that if he (Ryan) wasn't home by 7pm, there would be dire consequences. I hope Ryan is now aware of how leniant is mother is. But then he always did listen to Cam more than me. I'd have been interested to know what those consequences would've been, had Ryan not turned up in time.

Last time I came home to find the house a bit of a bombsite...needless to say Cam was disappointed with my reaction, haha. I think he thought I'd be rapt only because they hadn't burnt the house down. I won't deny I was of course, pleased they hadn't. After my initial blowout, I asked Cam if he'd missed me, his response was a gloomy "I had."

Anyway, I'm happy to report that all is well on the home front today. I am loving that I'm able to leave the boys alone for several days, without major apprehension. They're proving themselves capable of holding the fort and not becoming malnourished. Always a good thing from a parental point of view.

Should I ever come back to find an unfamiliar pair of panties mixed in with other laundry, well, that'll be cause to review the situation wouldn't it? Course it would. The main issues being...who have they had here while I've been away? Why are her panties still here? (and how the hell did they remove themselves from her person??) Course, it'll be worse still if one of them actually claims them as his. That'd be a whole other matter for me to adjust to lol.

*mwah*
Saturday, June 07, 2008

Filling the Gaps, Part 2

It's probably best to let you know from the start that I've been drinking. Not much...actually I'm only on my second bourbon, but anyone that knows me well enough, will nod their head and comment that I'm quite likely to be half-pissed.

Bingo...that's me right now haha.

Now to get on with the rest of my gap filling stuff. Once I've done filling the holes, I may feel I'm able to blog 'normally', whatever the hell that is these days. But hey, who cares? Because I'd like to be able to write what I'm upto and to my regular readers some of it is not going to make sense if I carry on about this. That and the other thing, which will not gel mentally/chronologically with what's been written already. Afterall, I do know that y'all have been wondering, needing to know even. I am, if nothing else, trying to be good host and making an effort to keep you abreast of my life. Let's face it, y'all are sitting onn the edge of your seats (I'm half-pissed remember? just humour me, k?).

The cruncher came when Dan finally moved out of the house. Yeah, that'd do it right? (obviously *snort*). Finally, the man I truly wanted was available. He moved out in February, and on Valentines Day flew to Wellington to spend a couple of hours with me...just a couple...we had brunch along the parade (and a short, frustrating grope in the car...well?? you want the truth or not!?) That pretty much did it for me (seeing him that is, not the groping, although it helped, woo hoo). As you may remember, I spoke with Neil not long after that, another downer of a conversation with him, blah blah blah, ended that not so nicely, but end it I finally did. As the man has said, he doesn't want to hear from me again, not once, not ever.

Dan flew up again mid-March, on a different level. This is the time I mentioned earlier, where he was here for 5 days straight. Interesting visit that one. Having him around 24/7 was quite an adjustment for me. Well not a HUGE adjustment, but one all the same. When he drove the car, he poked around changing things (ok, only ONE thing, but it was MY car was it not?)...he got in the way in the kitchen (well, truthfully, it was refreshing to be sharing my kitchen space with someone, the kids barely ever get in the way in the kitchen lol)...but he was there, and I wasn't used to having another body so close, so often. And the bed...he was in the bed whenever I was in the bed...how is one supposed to fart with any kind of satisfaction, when there's always someone there, like, listening ya know? Sheesh.

Anyway, that was back then, and it took me a nano-second to realise I actually wanted to have him around getting in the way, enjoyed him even (way hey, yep , I sure did enjoy him, phoar). To be honest, besides getting a little 'foot stampy' about my territory, it wasn't much hardship having him closeby. The toughest part is saying goodbye at the airport. Boo, it's the stinky bit, for sure, for sure.

The following month I flew south. No children around, just the two of us, no holds barred....well, I got myself a urinary tract infection for my all sexual troubles, didn't I?. *sigh* Eventually ended up ringing work and asking them to send me a prescription for antibiotics. If I could've got rid of it without getting hold of them, you can believe I would've done it. Certainly embarrassing when I heard the snigger of my co-worker on the other end of the phone. But bless them to the Garden of Eden and back, they faxed a script to the nearby pharmacy and the following week I walked back into work to front a couple of chesire cats at the reception desk.

One of my co-workers (after shaking her finger at me like a school ma'am) said "You know how to stop that from happening right? You have to go to the toilet straight afterwards, that's the best solution I've found." While processing the fact that Annette had obviously had some fabulous frantic monkey sex...enough to warrant an infection, I figured it made sense.

The mother-advising-her-offspring expression disappeared from her features when I asked....

"Oh wait. Do I have to get out of bed first?"

haha.

Do you think I should stop drinking now or what? lol
Sunday, June 01, 2008

Filling the Gap, Part 1

Earlier this year when I was having my sabbatical (which is just a fancy word for "trying to hide and hope no-one notices"), I had a decision to make. Believe it or not, and against my better judgement, Neil was still in contact at that point (yeah yeah, I can hear ya, don't ask, it's just too crazy to explain).

ANYWAY, I took my break from the world at large, and then took a two week one from the menfolk. By the end of that, I'd driven myself almost potty trying to sort my shit out. We all know it's that much easier to sort other people's problems than you're own. And considering neither of them were Michael Buble, it just wasn't that cut and dried, ya know?? (I'm gonna have his babies, did I tell you? Just sayin')

Dan was married, Neil was in England. Neil was in the throes of organising a trip to New Zealand...Dan was trying to get himself out of a complicated situation, and attempting to do right by all involved. Now this next part is possibly going to sound like I'm only saying it because Dan reads my blog, and we're now a couple. You don't shit in your own bed, right?

Wrong, (well, it's really not a good idea to crap your bed, trust me, past experience and chonic illness speaking here). So yeah, going back to it....Wrong...I'm saying it like it was. What I REALLY wanted, and yet felt I may never be able to have, were the same thing. And that was Dan. He's the one I wanted, but he was unavailable, despite trying to be in several places and keep several people happy at the same time. That's another wrong. You just CANNOT keep everyone happy. It's NOT possible.

In the meantime, Neil is obviously feeling some 'rumblings' underground, and asking me "So? You and WE are ok, right?" and I'm telling him not to worry, next time we get to chat I'll let him know just how "ok" we really are. Oh my God, Oh My God. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Of all the things I've said to Neil since he stepped back into my life last September, that sentence is the one that sits heavy with guilt in my stomach. Just typing them now actually makes me catch my breath and want to yell, "Liar! Lisa, you are such a fucking LIAR!" (Excuse the language, but going that low deserves a bit of self-loathing I reckon).

Trying to reassure a person that everything's honky dory, when in your heart and mind, you know that it's anything but, is nasty. It's a dirty, nasty feeling. I had the opportunity right there and then to call it quits. I could've told him that things weren't ok, and that despite Dan being unavailable, I still wanted him more regardless. And because of the chickenshit that I can be, I didn't. I clammed up and lied instead.

The next time I spoke with Neil, we spent the majority of of it arguing. Well, it was spent with him giving another one of his lectures and me feeling like a naughty little school girl looking at her shoes. That was pretty much it for me. I'd been through many of these lectures over the years, the majority of them unjustified and I didn't want to have to deal with any more. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. So I never did get to tell him just how ok things were. In fact I did the exact opposite. And I did it via email. Shoddy I know. To give you some kind of time line, I sent that email in March (that's how much longer we stuck at it after the initial breakdown in January).

Obviously there's more involved than I've mentioned above. I wasn't planning to go into all of that up there, I was planning to give you quite a different post altogether. I was actually just working my way up to when I saw Dan again for the first time this year. That would be after the last time in November...you know that disastrous time when everything seem to change with the turn of a page? Yeah. That's where I was going when I first started this.

HOWEVER....I have written plenty already, so I shall save that for next time. Now that I've started I feel I'm just going to write and basically go blah blah blah blah, regardless of whether it's being read or not. This is a good thing yeah? Well, I'll/we'll find that out as I keep blabbering I expect lol.

Oooo, look at me eh? Three posts in a week, who woulda thought. haha