Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I have no motivation to do anything.....I started off with a hiss and a roar, emptying out cupboards, clearing out wardrobes etc...and then I stopped. I don't want to do anything....I'm lacking in complete and utter 'anything-ness'.

I don't want to go to work - yet I love my job.

I prefer to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling all day.

I don't want to do any housework - not unusual, I hate the stuff...but I don't usually let it drop behind like it has recently. There's a pile of clothes on the floor of the laundry...there are dishes stacked up along the sink (and I have a dishwasher). The only washing I did last weekend was the boys school uniforms.

I worry constantly about my blood pressure - I've been on medication to stabalise it, have been for about 3 years and the tablets have been working great...til recently. The doctor said that I was to get it checked again in two weeks time....I'm overdue. All I have to do is hold my arm out to one of the nurses at work. But I don't want to find out what it is.

So I lay in bed at night hearing my heart pounding in my ears and wondering how high my numbers are instead. Paranoia's taking over my world.

My new tenants appear to be taking advantage of me and paying me rent when and if they feel like it. I need to sort out that shit and sort it out fast...I rely on that money and budget my fortnight up to it. When it doesn't turn up on the day expected, I'm screwed.

I can't eat properly....anytime I think about food my throat constricts.

I feel like crying all the time and it exhausts me by holding it back instead of letting it out.

I now have the added worry that people I thought were my friends think nasty things about me. That I am reckless with other peoples feelings, playing with others emotions...that I never had the guts to be honest etc. It's astonished me how people can be so judgemental of others when they've only heard one side of the story.

On the other side of the coin, I have respectful and understanding friends out there also...and your love and support has meant the world to me.

I don't feel that I can write anything about my values or principles on here, for fear that someone will pop up and sarcastly comment "Yeah right". I never thought I cared so much about what others thought, but it's been eating me up inside. Besides publicly knocking myself on here I've not been disrespectful to anyone. I kept my mouth shut and thought it best to try to forget the negatives.

But I can't.

I never thought I'd say this out loud....but I do believe I could be depressed. Me and depression...never thought it possible. For the way things work out...for the way they don't work out...for the hurt I've caused others...and the hurt others have caused me. I can't pinpoint an exact reason for my downward mood swing. And although I've been big on self-diagnosis in the past, this is one thing I do not want to believe. I don't know for sure yet and I haven't spoken to the doctor about it, but I think it's something that I'm going to have to address very shortly.

They say that pride comes before a fall...I think I've just fallen kamikaze style.

I love to write and I love to share in my blog friends' days, but right now I doubt there is anything in my mind that I can write about that is actually worthy of a decent read. To those that feel the need to email me and tell me how dramatic I'm being etc etc, don't bother, I've had enough hate mail this weekend to last me awhile thankyouverymuch.

So for now, you can stick a fork in me, because I'm feeling more done than I have for a very long time.
Monday, February 27, 2006

A-Z Meme

Several gazillion years ago, the lovely Fizzy tagged me to do this. I knew I'd eventually get around to it, it was just a case of when.

Well here it is.

I'm afraid it's not very exciting or creative, but hey, that's ok as far as I'm concerned lol.

A - Age of your first kiss: 14...my first REAL kiss...took my boyfriend 10 months to get the nerve up to do it, but it happened.

B - Band you are listening to: Golden Horse

C - Crush: Kevin Costner, Matthew McConaghey, Bryan Adams, Nicholas Cage .

D - Dad's name: Kingi

E - Easier person to talk to: Alice - anything and everything, right down to the nitty gritty.

F - Favourite Icecream: Hokey Pokey

G - Gummy worms or bears: Bears

H - Hometown: Wellington

I - Instruments: Recorder, Guitar, Flue, Piano (not that I can play any of them now, but I gave them a jolly good go. Oh maybe the recorder I could still do, if I concentrate really hard.)

J - Junior High: Intermediate School, College? Is NZ College the Junior High and our Universities over here the US equivalent to College? Pass.

K - Kids: Two boys - 16.6 years and 14.10 years respectively.

L - Longest car ride: 11 hours from Wellington to Auckland, Christmas Hols 2003

M - Mom's name: Patricia

N - Nicknames: Mum, Lis, Leesee, Mel

O - One wish: Just one's a bit rough. It would have to be that my boys grow up to be fine sucessful men in whatever field they choose, and eventually give me some grand-babies to play with.

P - Phobia: Being physically restrained. It's always made me feel claustophobic.

Q - Quote: "If I could have a star for each time you made me smile, I would be holding the entire evening sky in the palm on my hand" (or something like that)

R - Reasons to smile: Hearing my children laugh....the photo of my 5 month old niece, Lyla....the lovely Jaimee screwing her nose up at me.

S - Scent: Cinnibar by Estee Lauder.....Red by Georgio Beverly Hills

T - Time you woke up today: 6.02am

U - Unknown fact about me: I'll have to pass on this, I'm sure I've told you it all by now.

V - Vice(s): Smoking and drinking the caffeine loaded "V" (and I was so good and went without one for at least 6 months last year, I've no willpower *sigh*)

W - Worst luck with: Trying to think up something to blog about at the moment.

X-rays you've had: Knee - after a softball game; brain for impaired vision (epilepsy); and the usual tummy scan for my babies.

Y - Years since you've been to church: Um, I do believe it was 2001 for a funeral. Prior to that, it was probably my own wedding in 1989 (just kidding lol)

Z - Zodiac Sign: Cancer

Hope you all have a great week :)
Friday, February 24, 2006

Hidden Thoughts

Finding a subject to write about these days is a toughie for me. I don't feel I can spew forth on these pages so much like I used to. Maybe that will come back to me at some stage....soon I hope. I feel stifled....frustrated that I can't express how I feel and what I'm thinking.

Oh, probably better I tell you now that I've been drinking. Not a lot...but it doesn't take much for me to loosen up in just about every way when I've got alcohol in my blood stream.

I know some of you must be wanting to know...curious, maybe....to hear more about how things were when Walker was here, and there are a lot of things I'd like to talk about that relate to that time. I'm talking about the positive things, not the negative stuff.

Yet, how can I write about the good things that we did and some of the good feelings I had...when we're now in the position we're in because of me? When I think back a few weeks, I cringe at the person I became. I hate that I was such a difficult cow to live with. I hate that I treated someone, who has always been so wonderful and loving towards me, like he was less than a friend. I suspect he could have been thinking he didn't really know me as much as he thought he did.

To some of you that read me regularly, it would seem like I've wiped the slate clean, like he doesn't exist for me anymore....his name has all but disappeared from my writing...thus he must've disappeared from my thoughts. That's deliberate of course...and not out of character for me I'm afraid. When I don't want to deal with things, I pretend. Pretend that everything is amazing and all is ok with my world regardless.

Well, I'm here to tell you, in my Bailey's induced condition...that it's not. I miss him...I miss sharing things that have happened in my life with him and I miss his friendship and chats on the headset. I know it's almost pointless saying this really, because it won't make a difference to the end result. But, I'm not made of stone and I am hurting that it's over, despite my temperament as those 6 weeks unfolded.

A good male friend rang me late last night, I haven't spoken to him for a couple of months now and he wanted to catch up and ask how everything had gone. I filled him in as much as I could. Halfway through my monologue he interrupted me. I was in the middle of saying "I hope he doesn't feel it wasn all bad...he came over and got to see part of an awesome country..."

"...And an awesome woman. Stop knocking yourself about this, Lisa. You're an awesome lady, you've always been an awesome lady and and you always will be an awesome lady." I ended up in tears after hearing that.

"You don't understand, I was anything but awesome...and I see the fallout of it all over the place. I see it in his writing, I see it in his comments...he's unhappy, he's angry...I caused that...that's my fault."

He must hate me. The possibility of that makes me feel sick inside. I hate that I've hurt him. I hate that part the most. I'd be kidding myself if I thought he'd ever get to the stage where he'd feel comfortable talking to me on a different level at some stage.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just doing something, in all likelihood, that I would've done a couple of weeks ago if I wasn't too busy sucking it up and avoiding thinking about it. It's part of my defense mechanism. Charge on head first like a bull in a china shop...noone's gonna notice right? Yeah, right.

Even though I know it was for the best...doesn't mean it's not friggin' difficult to say goodbye to someone who's been so close and special to you for such a length of time. It's like...like...like having slipped with the chainsaw and cut both your arms off...to find your house is burning to the ground behind you...and there's a hose on the ground beside you...you have the means to save it, but there's nothing you can do. Ok, that's piss-talk now...skip that bit.

I think I've said a lot more than i ever intended to when I started this post. I can still ramble pretty well with the best of them l suppose. Ha ha MrHaney, I'm giving you a run for ya money tonight aren't I? DOES SPEAKONIA YELL AT YOU IF WE TYPE IN CAPITALS??!

*sigh*

Well, look at that, I guess I spewed forth afterall. What a downer. Sorry.
Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Meme by Any Other Name Still Smells as Sweet?

I've been tagged by Mr Haney, who was tagged by Mrs Lifecruiser, who was tagged by Jenny, who is someone I don't know and haven't read enough about yet (although I did notice she's got a lovely picture postcard of NZ on her most recent post, I'm liking her already)...but I will read more, if only to find out who tagged her, and follow the trail right back to the meme originator. Then I'm going to....well, never mind what I'm going to do...but it's not going to be pretty.

Nah, just kidding...I know some of you LOVE doing these bloody things. lol

I still have two other memes I haven't completed yet. One from Fizzy and one from Skye....I really haven't forgotten. Honest...I've just been...um...doing stuff. But seeing as I have all this extra time to play with myself, now might be a good time to try completing them.

Anyway, enough of that...onto the most recent meme!

Four jobs I've had:

1. Hot Dog vendor. When I was 13 I managed to land a job when the International Circus came to town for two weeks. I used to go home each night reeking of grease and hot dogs. My mother would basically make me soak in the bath when I got home...and she always made sure there was plenty of fresh fruit for me to eat while I was in there. I'm sure she thought I did nothing but eat what I sold all those hours. Course, the novelty of eating those things wore off after the first day. lol

2. Tea Lady in the Geriatric Ward at the hospital. I was 15. Each day after school I would make cups of tea and clear the dinner dishes from the ward. It was a very interesting job, with some not so wonderful 'views' lol. I really enjoyed getting to know the patients and listening to some of the stories they would tell.

3. Shorthand Typist for the Red Cross Society. A very interesting position that opened my eyes big time to the suffering of those less fortunate in third world countries. The stories of war (not to mention photos) that our nurses brought back from overseas were horrific.

4. Secretary for a Construction firm. Besides my current position of medical receptionist, this is possibly the job I enjoyed the most. I liked working in a 'down to earth' environment and later branched off with one of the managers to start up an interior refurbishment subsidiary in the position of office manager. And that's where I stayed until I became pregnant with Cameron.

Incidentally, I thought that once I got pregnant I would never have to work again. At times I couldn't wait to get pregnant so I could stay at home as long as I wanted being a lady of luxury. OMG, how dillusional is that ???!

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. Pretty Woman
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Love Actually
4. Forrest Gump

Four places I have lived:

1. Wellington
2. Wellington
3. Wellington
4. Wellington

(What?? I haven't 'lived' anywhere else, different suburbs, yes...but all in Wellington.)

Four TV programmes I love(d):

1. Extreme Makeover Home Edition
2. ER
3. Third Watch
4. Desperate Housewives

Four places I've vacationed:

1. Vegas
2. Canada
3. Nelson (south island NZ)
4. Rotorua, Hamilton, Auckland (north island NZ)

I haven't been many places...yet!

Four of my favourite dishes:

1. Seafood Chowder
2. Vegetarian Lasagne (only my recipe though lol)
3. Hot apple pie and vanilla icecream
4. Crayfish Mornay

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Chez le Laquet
2. Female of the Species
3. Fizzy's Place
4. Happiness is a Good Nap
5. Lost Here and Beyond
6. Magpie's Den
7. Peanut Queen's Lair
8. Ramblin On

I can't just put up four. At a push I'm only giving 8. I really should update my blogroll, in fact I think I'll devote some time to doing exactly that tonight.

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Sitting outside in the sun with my sister at the orchard in Otaki.
2. Swinging on the loveseat with my friend Sheryl at her house in Hamilton. (They have the most calming and glorious view.)
3. Drifting in a longboat through the Broads in Norfolk.
4. Sitting down to dinner with my Mum and Dad in Motueka.

(Can you tell there's a need for some kind of calming and nuturing influence at the moment? I went to see my GP last week...apparently he thinks I'm rather stressed out...even my blood pressure is way up there...go figure.)

My motto:

"How hard can it be?"

Four people I am tagging:

1. Kassi's Kingdom

I suspect that those that have wanted to do this, have done it already, I've seen it out and about on a few of the sites I read.

So I shant be tagging anyone. Unless of course, you really really want to do this, shout out in my comments and I'll edit this and tag ya! OR, you could just go ahead and do it!

Blimey, that was a long one wasn't it? Shame on you Mr Haney, you knew I couldn't possibly turn you down!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006

SPAM

A friend sent this to me via email. Thought I'd share it with you seeing as it's in keeping with my previous post. Gave me a laugh anyway.

***

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine foryears?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was brushing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

***

Happy Hump Day!

(well it will be by the time I wake up in the morning anyway lol)
Sunday, February 19, 2006

Tits Up

As I mentioned at the end of my previous post, I helped a friend move house this weekend. As I was packing up her bathroom that morning, not to mention unpacking her kitchen that evening, I wondered how on earth she could accumulate so much in the space of 18 months. Have you checked what's at the back of your bathroom cabinet lately? And as for the pantry in the kitchen...why do we continue to keep such stuff??

This got me to thinking about the surplus I have laying around my house. I've been here for 15 years...that's a shitload of accumulation. I have plenty of cupboards in the kitchen...but do I ever have enough room to put anything? No, of course not. Because my cupboards are filled with all manner of serving dishes and platters and odd glasses etc that I haven't used for years, if I've EVER used them at all.

My bathroom vanity unit was filled with moisturisers and cleansers and various types of age-reducing paraphenalia that I don't even recall buying. It seemed that someone had snuck into my house and littered my bathroom cabinet while I wasn't looking. It's all a bunch of crap. I cleaned out a total of 3 grocery bags full to the brim of soap, rusting hairpins, half empty bottles of shampoo, exfoliants and the like.

We buy all these products because we think they may improve our skin, our bodies, our whatevers(?) and for the most part they do...if they're compatible with our skin type. There's a lot of money and traipsing back and forth to the malls finding out what works isn't there?

Which brings me to my next thought. Cosmetic surgery. I've a dear friend who has recently had some surgery. She had a breast reduction, some lines removed from around her eyes and I believe they also removed a piece of flabby skin from her stomach that had been bugging her.

My body is not what it used to be (I've lost count of how many times I've typed that line across this page). Yes, I'm afraid gravity has won out...my bod lost the battle. There are things reaching to places I'd rather not mention, and I'm not talking about great heights. But I hadn't given much thought to cosmetic surgery. Me and pain, we aint good friends at all. In fact I must have one of the lowest pain thresholds in all humanity...ok, maybe not, but you get the picture.

Anyway, a week after my friend's op, we're down at the Mall doing the coffee thing....she drags me into the public toilets....into the wheelchair cubicle...hauls her shirt up and says..."What do you think?". Well, what could I say? They were right there...perfectly placed, like an 18 year old's...you know? just...right...THERE. And she wasn't wearing a bra and they stayed there....ALL...ON...THEIR...OWN!

I was green with envy, my own breasts drooping further with shame. How is one supposed to react when faced with so much glory?

"Wow" *eyebrows raised*...is the best I could come out with.

"You can touch them if you want...go on...touch them" *beaming proudly*

"They're magnificent" *expression of awe*

"Touch them!" *thrusting chest forward*

"Uh..."

If there were silicone implants involved, I doubt I'd have had as much trouble feeling my girlfriend up....but this was the genuine article and as fabulous as they might look, I wasn't keen. I managed to mumble my way out of it...can't recall how I did that, just know for sure I never touched them...we exited the cubicle and I started breathing again. I was sure to start sweating if we'd stayed in there much longer. Never thought I'd see the day that I was scared of a pair of woman's breasts. I've a pair of my own, I know what they're about and they aren't scary...in fact they can be extremely impressive in some situations.

Did you know when they give you a reduction, they actually cut the nipple right off your wobbly bit...put it to the side....remove the surplus and then sew your nipple back on?? What if you lost all sensitivity??!!!?? That's not a risk I'd be willing to take, no matter how far down to my knees my tits had wandered.

My friend is a few years older than me, and you all know how much growing and learning and thinking we do over the course of a few years...maybe I'll feel that way when I get to the age she is now? Maybe I won't? Maybe I'll win the lottery and have a complete body overhaul? Maybe I'll hit my head against a brick wall and lose all mental capacity to think about body parts if I'm lucky?

Or maybe I'll just continue to put up with the body I have already...fighting it into that pair of pants....sucking in my stomach to get through small spaces....forcing my tits into this top or that one, and then feeling the need to 'adjust' them for the rest of the day/night...gotta make sure those puppies are pointing in the right direction eh? (I know you know what I'm talking about).

There appears to be an excess of surplusness bombarding me at every turn....breathing apparatus may be required.
Friday, February 17, 2006

We've Got Big Balls

Picture 067

When we were up north in Rotorua a couple of weeks ago, we took the boys to what's known as the AgroDome...it's out in the country where they have bungy jumping and jet boat rides etc.

My two decided to opt for what's known as the Zorb (another first for New Zealand, did you know that bungy jumping was created here too? is this a good thing or a bad thing for us Kiwis do you think?).

They basically climb into a large rubber ball and roll down a hill....throw a bucket of water in there with them (Hydro Zorb) and the whole thing is over in about 20-30 seconds, but apparently it's quite the adrenalin rush....the boys loved it.

Barnaby wasn't forgotten while this was happening, and the staff at the centre told us that if we'd spoken to them earlier, they would've put him in the Zorb with the boys.

Picture 065

My favourite picture of Cameron.

Picture 110

My favourite of Ryan.

Picture 105

And a photo of them after they both 'squirted' out of the hole in the side of it.





I got a phone call at 7.30 this morning. I was summoned to help one of my best mates pack up her house, she's moving into a new home (we're all very excited that she now has a spa pool lol). So, I'm sitting here feeling hot and sweaty and waiting for my washing to finish in the machine, so I can hang it out before work.

The last thing I feel like doing right now is getting ready for work this afternoon. Oh well, not to worry, if I want to eat, I have to work.

With all this talk of large balls, I think I'll wear my own just for the hell of it today.

(Obviously mine aren't anywhere near the same size, so don't even be going there lol)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A Beary Happy Valentines Day *groan*

I've been thinking about this for the last day or so. A valentine's post...what should I write? Should I pretend it's just another day and completely avoid going anywhere near it? Should I stay in denial for as long as possible until the next one comes around and ignore that one too?

As I mentioned last year, we don't celebrate Valentine's Day with as much enthusiasm and vigour as some countries do, and although there is plenty of advertising around the shops, I don't feel like it's being shoved down my throat about how much everyone else is being loved or loving others.

A few weeks ago I took my mate Barnaby to the Botanical Gardens...the rose gardens to be exact. (Roses...Valentines...get it? Yeah, I knew you would.)

Picture 016

As you'll be aware, all roses have names, some peculiar and some more appropriate than others. Below are some pictures I've snapped, taking advantage of rose names. They're obviously not appropriate to be showing 5/6 year old kiddies and have me questioning my mental health condition.

Picture 037a

Picture 038a

Picture 039a

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

I dedicate this Valentine's Day post, such as it is, to four very special people in my life.

Anna and Jason, (at the airport, on the way to Malaysia for their honeymoon) because to me they are the very epitome of being happy and in love.

Picture 179a

My sons, Cameron and Ryan, (at Huka Falls in Taupo, when we were up north last week) because they will always be nearest and dearest to my heart. (And who are both going to hate this pic, so we won't tell them I posted it.)

Picture 090a

He gets around a fair bit our Barnaby does.

Picture 040

Happy Valentine's Day.

(Man, these photos come out big when you're forced to use Flickr!)
Monday, February 13, 2006

Accentuating the Positive

Firstly, a heart felt thanks to all that emailed me or commented on my previous post. The support and the thoughtfulness of your kind words was appreciated, I thank you all so very much. I am going to attempt to keep that part of my life out of future posts, I'll deal with it privately. It's best that way for obvious reasons, and as wonderful as you have all been, noone likes a misery guts forever.

So, keeping in mind my head's a little on the screwed up side, let's forge ahead and find something more uplifting to talk about. Let me tell you about a 24 hour period in my life last week.

***

One of my tenants pops her head out the door as I'm walking past just after finishing work. "Hey Lisa, is there a special way to use the oven in here? Like a timer or something I can't find?"

Apparently the oven died....*poof*...just like that....no spark, no click, nothing...just...dead. She was in the middle of cooking dinner. Using two elements on the cooktop and with a casserole in the oven. Everything stopped...dinner half cooked. She finished cooking the rest of the meal by using the BBQ. Go Betty!

I went inside and had a fiddle with the power switch and plug etc, don't know why I bothered doing that....it's not like I knew what I was doing, but there's a certain amount of comfort in touching something to be sure it's really broken before spending a zillion bucks on a repairman I reckon.

I called Mr Fix-It...."sorry ma'am, may not be able to get a serviceman there until about Monday". After sounding like a helpless female landlady who couldn't possibly leave her tenants without any cooking facilities for almost 5 days, he relented and sent me someone first thing the following morning.

Anyway, the serviceman came upstairs after having a shufti and said "She lives". Yes! Reckoned she was on her last legs and will need to be replaced sometime this year. I don't mind that, if I can just get another 6 months out of her I'll be happy, that'll give me time to get over the financial bashing that christmas, the wedding and the boys starting back to school has rained on me.

Next on the agenda is my cat. There is not a lot of love lost between me and my cat, but that doesn't mean I want anything nasty to happen to her right? The afternoon of the rebirth of the oven, I looked out the slider to see my cat perched precariously on a rotten piece of wood that was attached to the balconey. I say WAS because as I watched it crumpled beneath her. She scrambled to take hold of something, anything to get back on solid ground. Unfortunately that didn't work...she only had more parts of the same piece of wood to grab for....it did nothing but fall to pieces in her grasp. As I watched, mouth agape, knowing I wasn't going to get there soon enough, she disappeared over the side. That's maybe a 10 foot drop (I'm not good with measurements but I think that's not a bad guess). Heart lurching, I rushed forward to look down, frightened of what I might see.

She wasn't there...she'd scarpered...which I was hoping wasn't such a bad thing, it meant she was still able to move. I spent the next half hour scouting around the outside of the house, looking in as many nooks and crannies as I could, calling her name...."Come on, please, I'll look after you better...I'll give you more love, if you let me....just come out of where you are...let me check you're ok....I'll even let you sleep on my bed"....but nope. The boys came home from school and took up the search. Still no cat.

Three hours later she waltzed in the door, like nothing had happened....no limping, twitching...even let us stroke her....she headed directly for her food dish. That's one proud ballsy cat I've got. After a fall like that, she ran off to lick her wounds and came back when she was ready, not when we were trying to push her to come home. She probably sat around the corner unharmed, hearing us all calling out for her and decided to let us suffer. She's a bit that way inclined.

Next incident that day...my gammy knee...the one I injured years ago playing softball. During the missing cat episode, I had gone back out on the balcony to see if I could spy her skulking around in the bushes....it was wet (the balcony, not the cat).....planted my right foot and immediately slid forward....the edge where the cat fell fast approaching. Luckily I'm hopeless at balancing and went down, forcing all my weight directly onto my bad left knee. That's a lotta weight to be dumping on a dodgy ligament I can tell you. Obviously relieved I hadn't shot over the side I stood up on shaky legs and for my trouble, I share with you my trophy from that day.

Picture 140

I used it as an excuse not to shave my legs for a couple of days. No, I don't have hairy knees, but it seemed a good enough reason to skip the shaving anyway lol.

There's a moral/lesson in this post. Something about not appreciating what you've got until it's broken or fallen off the edge or injured, but that's a bit deep to be heading into that territory at the moment.

Now...*weak smile*....that was more uplifting to read wasn't it?
Friday, February 10, 2006

The Unexpected

When my marriage ended and my house was devoid of any other adult company, I discovered chatting online. I certainly wasn't ready for one-on-one personal contact with the male species, I was repairing my heart, taking control back of my life and deliberating on how there are so many hills and curves to navigate during it. Some of them good, some of them not so good.

The people I met via chat rooms and IM became my company. I never spoke to anyone even remotely close in proximity. The one requirement I had to chat with others, was that they be in a different country. If their profile showed they lived in New Zealand I'd immediately click on "next". I didn't want to speak with anyone that could possibly get near me physically, no touchy feely stuff was going to be happening with me...I made sure of it....I wasn't ready.

Over the years I have met many people via this media....women and men alike. Some have come and gone never to be heard of again, others I've become life long friends with and I'm hoping one day I will get to meet them in person. Some I have been fortunate enough to meet in person and the time we've had together has been far too short but wonderful nonetheless.

The past 6 weeks have been interesting and enlightening ones for me. Not always in a positive way. I have surprised myself by learning more about how I cope or rather don't cope in some situations. I shan't be going into any detail. Out of character for me I know, but it is far too personal for me to be writing about it across these pages. However, I will say how difficult I became to live with during that time....how much I appear to sabotage a relationship, that from all accounts, was filled with goodness and love.

He couldn't have done anything more to help out around here, and for that I will always be grateful. He proved time and time again the way he felt about me....and I was indifferent about it much of the time. I distanced myself, pulled back and became almost cold in comparison to my usual demeanor. At times I was downright rude and argumentative, I became extremely pedantic.

Saying goodbye to him at the airport early Wednesday morning was difficult and done with a mix of emotions and a heavy heart. The unexpected had happened. We will not be moving forward or continuing as a couple. Despite all the wonderful times we've shared, the passion, the laughter and love....we cannot continue our relationship as lovers. Having said that, and because of the deep feelings we do have for one another, it is my hope that in redefining our relationship over time, we can come together again as the special friends we always were.

I write this, not only to inform you of this unexpected turn of events, but more importantly to avoid having questions being asked...questions that could be awkward for me to answer. The end of any relationship is a time for grieving, licking wounds and reflecting on the good times of the past. And there were definitely plenty of good times.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt about myself through this, is that I must always be honest and true with myself. I have to stop being so stubborn and pigheaded, thinking I'm able to make anything work no matter the circumstances or how I feel. At this point in time, the only reasoning I can come up with, is that I'm still not ready to share my life with anyone to such an extent yet. Whether that means I'll never be ready remains to be seen. Suffice it to say, I'm in no rush to find out.

For the time being my heart is going to be taking a back seat....I'll leave it alone to travel the road of rejuvenation. I'll concentrate on my children and their future, eventually start thinking about making some new goals for my own. I'll be putting more effort into getting my health organised too...hoping to get off my blood pressure pills, get fitter etc.

My motto for many years has been "How hard can it be?". For the first time since I started using that saying, I now have to admit defeat....it's harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Wedding

What a brilliant day.

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First out was Samantha carrying Jaimee, her hair in natural ringlets, who had refused to walk due to all the excitement, she'd insisted on being carried with her small basket of rose petals. Considering her age, noone was expecting her to do exactly what was required. They were followed by Natalie walking with River, Jason's nephew and the ring bearer. There were 6 bridesmaids altogether, all gorgeous.

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Then of course came the bride...her father proudly escorting her.

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The ceremony was held at the Duxton Hotel in Rotorua, alongside Lake Rotoiti. The day was beautiful and hot, the backdrop picture perfect. The Minister was Anna's paternal grandfather, which also made it particularly special.

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Unfortunately Jason's parents passed away a few years ago (within months of each other, very sad). Due to their absence, a candle was lit by the couple before the ceremony began. At the reception later a large photo of them was placed on the mantel beside the candle. During the course of the evening other family members spoke on behalf of Jason's parents, speaking of how proud they would have been to welcome Anna into their "whanau" (family).

After the announcement of "husband and wife" the couple walked back across the park to be stopped in their tracks by Jason's three brothers performing a traditional maori haka, backed up by his aunt and cousin singing the high pitched ladies chant. It is an honour to have a haka performed "at" you during an occasion.

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There are various types of hakas and although most of the world have heard of the All Blacks usual 'challenge' haka before they take on opponents prior to a rugby game, this was obviously different. In laymens terms, quick translation (in Lisa fashion)...."we hold you in highest regard...respect all you do....you are worthy of all things great....our hearts, our souls are dedicated to your future life." The boys did their culture proud, the performance filled with passion and love for their brother and new sister-in-law.

I'm sitting here with the wedding music playing over and over in my headset while I write this and trying to avoid getting emotional at the same time, hahaha.

I got to stand centre stage for a few short minutes as I read the poem Anna had chosen. I had tried for several months to write something appropriate, then Anna rang me to say she'd found something she loved. That was it, I was off the hook lol. I had spoken with Cameron and told him that should I look like I was going to crumble in a sobbing, hiccuping mess, he was going to have to come forward and continue on. It was only right, he was the head of our family male-wise.

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After practising it on the boys, as they lay in bed that morning, Cameron said "Oh my God, that is SO mushy...you better not cry today Mum, there's no way I'm going to get up and read those words." If push came to shove he would've done it, but I didn't cry....I stood beside Anna, we did the "hand-squeeze" thing and I completed my task. Cameron told me later how proud of me he was, and especially pleased I hadn't fallen to pieces during it lol. (I can't believe we never took any photos of my kids! pah)

Needless to say, we had a wonderful time. The speeches were heart-felt and warming to all....hilarious and creative. Jason ended his speech saying how especially beautiful his wife looked today and proudly waving the marriage certificate...."I own her now, I have the ownership papers to prove it" lol

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