Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Desperately Seeking...

I went into New Zealand's most popular dating site yesterday morning. I was sitting here staring at the screen, trying to find a subject to blog about and figured I might find something on the messageboards/forum in there. What a waste of time that was lol.

But, it got me thinking about what people want or more to the point, what they ask for. I went through some profiles, both men and women...some are pretty basic. They're lonely, want to share their time with that special someone, want friendship first and see where it goes kinda thing. Others are more specific...my God, the wants and needs of some of the nation are enough to make me pack up house and move to a shack amongst swamp land.

My thoughts turned to expectations. What we expect from each other as life partners, the expectations of friends, or the possibility of moving friendships to the next level. Do we make it clear at the beginning what we expect? I'd have to say in my opinion, we don't. Of course we can be honest as always to start off with, but we don't show our REAL selves do we? We're there to basically show how lovely a person we can be...well hopefully anyway. If we came out with the dark side at that point, there'd be a shitload of relationships that would never get to see the light of day.

Besides it's not always possible to say what we expect and what we really want at the beginning of a new relationship...regardless of what we know about ourselves deep down and what we feel we'd love to have in such a union. Things change as time goes on...we change, both sides do. One time we may feel we need more attention, at another we could feel smothered with too much. I guess the key is to try and balance a happy medium.

So, anyway, while I was messing around online I came across this. It's a love calculator. See? That's all we needed. Type in your name, date of birth, cellphone number, and wa la!...the powers that be get out their pencils and start a'scribblin'....36 = (x-2)^2 + (y-5)^2, throw in the theory of relativity (E=mc^2) and out pops the name of your love soulmate. Either that or you're running round in circles...small ones.

Anyway, I got me a name now. His name is...wait for it....Oakley. Yep...O.a.k.l.e.y. Oakley. You're shittin' me right?? I have never heard of anyone named Oakley, I doubt I'm ever gonna find someone called Oakley. That means it all comes down to my blog. I'm going to have to end this with some sort of public announcment. You lot do me a favour? Broadcast it out there, let your friends know, I'm on the search to find studly Oakely...he has to be out there somewhere, we just need to find him is all. Anyone that's even remotely interested in spending time with me....well, um....you're gonna have to change your name TO Oakley ok?

*clears throat*

So Oakley? If you're out there and you're needing some lovin' and you want a good woman that wants you for YOU, not just someone who's gonna stare right through you? (anyone get THAT??) Here I am. Come get me please. I'm ready, I'm willing....that website said you're my love soulmate. And seeing as I believe everything I read on here, it must be so.

Come to me baby... don't be scared...you know you want me too.
Friday, January 26, 2007

Not Always For Public Viewing

You know how sometimes you leave the house wearing something you're not sure you should be wearing? You wonder if you may end up feeling uncomfortable with others seeing you in what you've got on? Could be the colour's not something you'd usually wear, or the style is different etc. Or that it's just not comfortable to wear full stop, the material's scratchy or not sitting right on your body or whatever? And you know how sometimes that drives you back inside to the closet to make a last minute change?

AND...you know how sometimes you throw clothes on, quick scan in the mirror and then leave the house without much thought about it? Long as it's tidy, not offensive and your skirt's not caught in the back of your knickers, you're good to go kinda thing.

The latter is what I do most of the time, unless I've got some special big night out (I do have them occasionally you know), I don't primp and preen much when it comes to what I'm wearing. If it's comfortable, I like the colour(s), it's not too tight (too tight is never good for my body shape I tell ya), then I can get on with whatever it is I'm rushing out the door to.

greenshrug2


Yesterday, I wore the above shirt to work. I'd never worn this shirt previously. Lace across the bodice and around the hem, kinda pretty right? I loved the colour and it was comfortable, so that was good enough for me. I'd tried it on once in a hurry to check it fitted when it first arrived, just in case I wanted to send it back. I couldn't get the colour I wanted in my size, so I ordered the next size up. With it being a camisole/shrug combo, I thought that wouldn't be an issue, I'd just 'shrug' it tighter ya know? (Sorry about the fuzzy pic, I couldn't find it bigger than a thumbnail basically.)

That was my first mistake. By the time I got in the door to the surgery, I felt like half my bra was on show. I got one of the nurses to give me a semblance of decency with a couple of safety pins. The second mistake I found out? I wasn't able to bend forward...not even a little bit. I discovered that gem, as I leant across the reception counter toward an elderly gent to hand back his credit card. His eyebrows shot so far up his forehead they disappeared beneath his comb-over.

So...I spent the rest of the morning looking down at my cleavage making sure it wasn't on show to everyone else. Then I was concerned that those in the waiting room would see me doing it and think I had a fascination with my own bosom. The paranoia continued to build during the morning and occasionally I'd find myself in one of the nurses rooms adjusting my bits. I couldn't wait to get home.

Moral of the story: Never order something online purely because you fancy the way someone ELSE'S tits look in it.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Skip to My Loo

I leave you lot alone for a while and look what happens! Sheesh. Bickering in my comments below like that, shame on you. While Monica and Leilani are busy deciding who gets to be the flirty skirty with Craig at the pub....Jo and Fizzy are trying to throw their weirdness on each other. And Dan? Well, who the hell knows what Dan's up to?? Methinks he's forgotten to take his medication. Course you can't remind him of that, he could start frothing at the mouth at this rate...best to throw the water bottle and pills in his general direction and run, baby, run! Well done to Anne for admitting she IS the patooty checker-outter! That's set in concrete now (or on film anyway).

*takes deep cleansing breath, smooths down hair*

Right, let's get on with this jimble jamble before I get myself organised and actually write something that flows properly lol

As I mentioned in the comments of the post below, I'm either going to have to add more kiwi bloggers to my blogroll, or mortgage myself to the eyeballs to get the chance to meet the rest of you. OR you could come to NZ, it's a beautiful country you know...you won't be wasting your money or your time coming here. In fact this country is SO gorgeous I have plans to make sure I get to see plenty of it myself in the future. The scenery here is spectacular and I want to take advantage of that before I'm too old and wrinkly (shutup!).

I'm thinking about heading up to the orchard this weekend. Still humming and haahing about that right now. Besides I haven't even talked to my sister yet, she may have had enough of my mug for a while. Do you know that when I was up there not so long ago, we went to the christmas party for the Plumbers, Electricians, Concrete crew...live band, plenty of drink and food etc...and MY sister had one chap convinced I was the best gospel singer in New Zealand?? Amazing, powerful voice, been recorded on several occasions, blah blah blah. I obviously hadn't even opened my gob and warbled a note, or he would've known immediately she was full of bollocks (not to mention wine).

More cool news today. I spoke to Leilani on the phone...my God, what a woman! We spoke for two hours non-stop...at one stage I had to pee, and I had to pee BAD, my bladder was starting to ache. I wondered if I could get away with going into the loo and just doing it while she was talking? I actually walked INTO the toilet, heard my voice echo off the walls and thought "Naaah, I can't do it." I know some people can talk to others while they're chatting on the loo, but I'm not one of them...it would feel...weird. *shudder*

I wandered down the hallway to Cameron's bedroom...quietly opened the door...he turned sleepily over to look questioningly at me. Nope, couldn't put her on him while he still didn't have his bearings. I knew I'd pay for it later. At that moment, Ryan surfaced. Bingo! I excused myself, gave Ryan the phone saying "Here! Say hello to Lani, she's calling from Texas, I gotta pee!" Ryan told me later he didn't mind me doing that, "Although I wasn't expecting such a....a....such a welcome" unquote lol.

See Houston? we don't have a problem at all!
Monday, January 22, 2007

Fancy Meeting You Here

Firstly, that last post was pretty crappy. A small conversation between two people that should never have gone public...who knew?? I did, well I certainly do now and should've known better than to put up such a subject, regardless of the funny side of my chat with Steve.

At the time I thought it wouldn't be so bad....then I had to respond to the comments....that was kinda yukky. In fact it was MORE than yukky, it felt putrid...I felt like I needed to get off my chair and jump up and down to shake off the whole ghastly feeling. What on earth possessed me??!

Nuff of that.

Moving right along....let's get onto some positive warm fuzzy stuff eh?

What do you mean NO??!

Well I say, yeah...my blog, an' all that...you lose.

Now for some rather cool news. I met another blogger today...in..the...flesh. That's right, I did indeedy do. (wtf is that? no matter, it's there now haha.)

Yep...today I met Kassi of Kassi's Kingdom. In fact I not only met Kass, but also her MOTH and their children, K and S.

What LOVELY people! I feel very fortunate to have met Kass and her family. I believe I was the chosen blogger that she felt safe enough to meet in person. Others (*cough*) unfortunately fell by the wayside...probably due to their showoff comments when it came to the real fudges of the world or something. Dunno. *shrug*

Kass rang me earlier this morning so we could organise a meeting place, and I felt so comfortable and relaxed talking with her on the phone, it was like I'd known her for ages. I stopped to pick up a friend along the way and excitedly asked her "Do I look ok?"....My international reputation could be at stake here you know??" (As if I haven't already ruined that several times myself on here lol.)

I think that's one of the interesting things about the blogging community. We read bits and pieces of each others lives online...like a peeping tom sorta thing, but not. And slowly we get drawn into those worlds. We read about each others families and what we do with our spare time or just daily life in general. And then if the opportunity arises to meet up at some stage, we know enough background to skip the small talk. (Saying that, I had missed one extremely BIG detail about her husband and embarrassed myself accordingly. Pfft)

We already enjoy each others company via our blogs, why wouldn't we face to face? Stands to reason really doesn't it? As far as Kassi's children were concerned...it's hard to describe...after reading so much about them, I felt a genuine rush of warmth to see them right there in front of me. I had to stop myself from being too scary by grabbing them both and squeezing tightly lol (see that? I do have some restraint! Didn't know that about me did you?)

When it came to my own children being present, I had to try and make up for their lack of appearance by bringing along my very own CampLeader (aka Anne). Cameron was at work and Ryan?...well, he was still sleeping when I left the house *sigh* Besides, if I'd managed to drag them along, no doubt they'd have had their say about how much they dislike being mentioned on here. Cam would've followed that up with something about bloggers being a weird community of people. Course, that doesn't stop him from launching a small revolution of sorts on here when he wants to eh? It's obviously only ok sometimes. *snort*

Kassi, it was a pleasure to meet you today. You and your family are just as beautiful in real life as you are online. Thanks for providing me with such delightful company this morning. And you can bet your husband's hot patooty, I'll be in touch and you'll be seeing me again.

Not that I was looking...really...I wasn't!...Anne told me that later, so there.
Friday, January 19, 2007

Tongue in Cheek Taboo

Steve rang last night. Hell that man makes me laugh, shame neither of us are interested in each other that way. I do love my relationship with him, we can talk about anything and everything and there is no awkwardness between us. Good company, lots of laughs and a comfortable catch up on what we've been doing. Last time I spoke with him was on Christmas Day when I was trying to convince him to come to the orchard and join my family for dinner. He'd been working nightshift on the tankers and was going to be alone on Christmas Day. I hated the thought of that. He didn't come, he chose to sleep instead...bastard! lol.

As we were talking last night, it suddenly occured to me...What if something happens to him? You know, hospitalisation or worse? Who was going to tell me? I don't know any of his family, besides his Godmother, and regardless of how boxy and strong she is, her health is deteriorating. (I spoke with her the other day, she sounds in good spirits but terribly frail these days - to be expected, she's lasted longer than anyone expect her to).

I posed the question to him. "Who is going to tell me if something happens to you? How will I know?" After some discussion he said that he should probably write up some kinda list of his friends and their contact numbers, so should anything nasty happen, his sister could ring and inform us. I know, this all sounds rather morbid doesn't it? But the bottomline is, he lives on his own, has done so for many years and he has no children. Of course he has friends who live nearby, as most of us do...but if something happens, then I want to know about it. He's my mate, he's carried me through some rough times and deserves to have me turn up at the hospital with some flowers or such.

I, on the other hand, have children. And thinking about it all now, I should at least inform them of who I want to be told should something horrible happen. They'll know for the most part, but there are of course others overseas that I'd like informed. If I'm going to go, I want to make sure it's with as much grief and sadness to the world population as possible. OR they can have a toast to me, think about how fabulous I was and/or what a bitch I can be at times, and lay me to rest in a respectful (if somewhat delusional) manner.

By the end of our conversation we had agreed that when one of us passed on, the other would be the one to throw themselves on the coffin at the funeral and weep uncontrollably. We felt that this way, all bystanders would nod their heads knowingly and say something to the tune of "Yes, he/she was certainly loved deeply and passionately. He/She will be missed beyond all doubt." He said "This is so brilliant! It'll be our pact."...."Yeah, and it's better than the one about "If we get to 50 and we're still single, I'll marry you" bullshit, so I'm in. I hereby swear to be your coffin sobber."

This also reminded me of a short conversation I had a couple of months ago. I was sitting in my car outside the college on a particularly nasty day and the car was getting rocked about with the gale force winds Wellington was experiencing. I rang a friend and said "Soooo...I was thinking....if anything happens to me...like my car is whipped up by the wind and I'm blown away never to be seen or heard of...could you please go into the comments section on my blog and let them all know?"

As morose as this subject is, I'm feeling pretty good today. I've got it all covered...the blog, international and domestic informants, coffins, the lot. You need someone to take care of matters after the fact?...

...I'm your girl!

(To be honest, I avoid thinking about this subject as much as possible and now hope I haven't done something incredibly stupid, like jinx either of us lol.)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Where's the Answers?

I'm feeling a little flat tonight. It was a long afternoon at work, a horrible mess trying to reconcile the banking (it actually wasn't my fault this time lol), which meant I had to stay longer until it all balanced. I then came home to find the results for the NCEA exams had arrived in the letterbox. Or more to the point that they'd arrived and Ryan didn't pass. I had a feeling it was going to happen, he was hardly on target to pass, he'd been messing around at school last year, didn't bother putting in the effort (no trips to the Principal's office last year, so that at least was a positive thing). I believe from his point of view, he had better things to focus on...his education not being one of them.

I haven't said anything to him but I know he feels my disappointment. Quite frankly, I feel like yelling "I told you, didn't I??!" But I won't, and only because I think he feels crappy enough already. I feel like being nasty and saying "It serves you right. What did you expect when you didn't bother putting in the work required?" This of course means, he's going to have to repeat the year. What a bloody waste of time.

Cameron on the other hand passed his Level 2s. HOORAY!! And he passed well. He's happy with his results and I'm understandably proud of him and for him.

The problem I have right now, is how to celebrate Cameron's achievement openly without making Ryan feel like crap or guilty. Yet in other ways I think that he should feel like crap (not that I'd want to deliberately make him feel that way of course). Cameron deserves the praise for reaching his goal. He put in the work, did the study and passed. Ryan didn't complete assignments, was forever behind on his homework...he only studied closer to the exams. On the inside, I'm upset at him for letting himself down....on the outside I'm trying to be supportive.

Some of you will know, my boys are completely different types of students. I've never had to put any pressure on Cameron, he puts enough on himself. Ryan I've tried to guide and encourage, without having him feel like I'm watching over his shoulder nervously. This method has obviously failed...but I refuse to take responsibility for it. I've backed off when he's asked me to...it takes nothing at all for him to feel like he's being nagged, so I've tried to do it in an offhand way. Reminding him of what's due when etc.

In retrospect I probably should've come down on him like a tonne of bricks and stayed that way. I have no doubt that that wouldn't have worked either. He would've resented me for keeping such a close eye on him, felt smothered and completely shut down. I feel it's a Catch 22 in a lot of ways.

Maybe that's the issue? If it seemed like I was being so relaxed about it all, perhaps he felt he could be relaxed about it too? I worry that because Cameron always achieves what he sets out to do, that Ryan feels he'll never reach the same level, so he's decided it's even pointless trying. Ryan's a smart cookie, he has the ability to achieve the same grades as his older brother. In some subjects he has the potential to do better and he's proven it on previous occasions, so I know he's capable. How do I get him to see that??

Down-play the negative, up-play the positive...that's what I try to do. I must be missing some link between the two somehow. I need to figure out what makes Ryan tick and how to help him achieve to the best of his ability. You'd think I'd know that by now. He puts up so many walls sometimes I struggle to get through to the core, yet the past 12 months have got to the the most positive ones for my relationship with him in a long time. We've come leaps and bounds in the past year together.

I'm wondering now if I should be thinking about putting him back into counselling...his self esteem may need working on and it worries me if he's down and I've failed to meet his needs to help him get up again. Thinking about all this over the last few hours is driving me potty. Does anyone have any ideas? Can you see if I've been doing anything wrong? How I can steer him in the right direction? A new strategy to get through to him?

I'm wide open to suggestions...God knows my own methods don't appear to have worked.
Sunday, January 14, 2007

A Smile from Within

Leilani of "The Pursuit of Meaning" and I had an MSN conversation yesterday. As Monica of "This Womans Journey" has mentioned on her previous blog, Leilani is one of the most intelligent and educated women we know. She's not so up to scratch when it comes to I.T. stuff though and she's the first to admit it. This hit me between the eyes yesterday, when she said she could hear me on voice chat then asked if could I hear her yet. Alas, I could not hear her. I asked if her microphone was switched on or plugged in properly, and she answered with "Oh, you mean I need a bloody mic?" lol

Despite this hiccup we continued with our chat. Me talking on the headset and her typing. The woman types at the speed of light anyway, so it wasn't a problem. It was such a pleasure to talk with her...one on one...not having to wait for comments to be answered or refreshing Outlook for a response. The IM responses came at me like bullets at times lol. It was brilliant and I'm more than keen to do it again. Thank you Leilani, I loved the time I spent with you.

Over the course of our chat we covered several issues, our kids, blogging and bloggers, cooking and of course, men (we're single women, of course we're going to discuss the male species). We talked about what we thought men wanted, what we wanted from them, what we get instead (haha), and then more of what they might expect from us. We talked about sex...a little of what we liked, what we didn't like etc (we're single women, you know the drill).

Leilani brought up an interesting question. She said "How do you know when you meet someone and you're attracted to them, and you want to get to know them, and that includes having sex...so you have a relationship...but you can't possibly say if it's going to work out long term..."

You can't of course, you don't know what the future holds for the two of you, you can only enjoy their company and find out more about them. In the process of that you discover whether it feels right to continue being in their company, on an intimate level and otherwise. That's my take on it anyhow. That and the need to accept each other for who you are as individuals and possibly moving forward to the next level. You could also end up making the decision, consciously or subconsciously, that it's not working for you. It happens.

There is always going to be something about your other half or a prospective other half that you're not totally sure about. It can be anything...their opinion on politics that differs from yours, down to the way they put their socks and shoes on before leaving the house. Are you a sock, shoe, sock, shoe person or a sock, sock, shoe, shoe person? Do you hang the toilet roll with the paper draping on the inside or the outside? And why do these things actually matter?? The end result is still the same. You're wearing socks and shoes, the toilet paper can still achieve it's goal regardless of which way it's hanging, right? Yet they're technicalities that can bring the foundations of a household crashing down sometimes. Weird.

Differences in political affiliation is of course a heftier subject...I was told years ago, if you want a smooth conversation with a small group or even on an individual basis, never bring up politics or religion. Considering I know shit all about either subject it suits me well to avoid both lol.

Scooting back ....there are no guarantees anything's going to work out. It saddens me that so many couples appear to start out thinking there's always the possibility of separation or divorce. But with statistics today, it's an alarming if somewhat realistic approach. If you go in with that thought in the back of your mind, are you not already destined for failure? But, if you go in completely and utterly positive, and horror of all horrors, your world comes crumbling down because it ended when you least expected it? What happens then? Emotionally you're crushed, you have trouble holding your head up...the word "failure" bounces off the walls of your brain. You lay down, pull the covers over your head, cry like a baby, lick your wounds, dust yourself off and eventually rejoin the rest of the world. Sure, we all have a few extra scars and a chip or two out of our emotional bricks, but we're still here and at some stage may even make another splash in the pool.

This morning in the shower I was mulling this all over. My previous relationships, the possibilities of another one and what I've learnt over the years about myself with the comings and goings of different people in my life. How I've changed in so many ways, yet not in others, and what I'd given and taken from each of the men I've let hold my heart during those times.

I wiped the condensation from the mirror and stared....my hair a tangled wet mess, my skin had a rosy glow from the heat of the shower, my eyes were clear and I smiled wryly at myself. Because, despite all the ups and downs, the trying and failing and trying again to only fail once more....I knew I would always be prepared to have another go. I knew that I would get to the stage of throwing all caution to the wind and jump again arms open wide with reckless abandon. I knew my heart wouldn't allow it to happen any other way.

And more importantly, I realised that deep down, I was still the same person I had always been...and regardless of what's gone before and what's to be experienced ahead...noone can ever take that away from me.

At this point in time I haven't figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing lol
Wednesday, January 10, 2007

She's a Cracker

So much for me posting 2 days in a row...was feeling rather impressed with myself for a moment...thought I was on a roll. A very short one obviously lol.

I went and picked up the belt/strap for my weedeater today, it didn't come with one, and considering my back was complaining so badly, I figured it could only help.

You know when you're body starts giving off signs of you getting older? I don't necessarily mean the gravity thing, we've been there and discussed that plenty on here. No, I don't mean that (although I still hate that word with the passion of a thousand rabbits shagging), I'm talking about the grunting and groaning of muscles, the creaking and cracking of bones etc. Yeah those real nasty kinda sounds.

The other day I bent over to pick something off the floor outside Cameron's bedroom door....standing up I emitted a small grunt....I GRUNTED for fuck sake! I was mortified and Cameron came rushing out of his room when he heard my horrified gasp.

His panicked "What?..What's happened!??" was answered with "Oh God, I just made an old person's noise!...you know?..one of THOSE noises?!"

Understanding dawned on his features and he took me gently by the shoulders saying "Oh right...Ok, let's not panic".

*looking deep into my eyes, talking slowly*

"Did you do it on purpose?....or was it in.vol.un.ta.ry?"

I avoided his gaze.

"Mum? Look at me, Mum"

Me: *sniff* "It was...involuntary"

Him: "Oh...oh dear..."

*sighing he gathered me close, rubbing my back*

[And here's the best bit....]

As he was offering me comfort...he said quietly to himself...

[wait for it....]

"...and so it begins..."

?????!!!
Saturday, January 06, 2007

Preparing for More Growth Opportunities

My lawn man of 7 years (7 years!) dumped my lawn's ass about 5 weeks ago. Yep, he was downsizing and decided that although I was one of his very first customers, I was just too far out of the 'zone' for him to continue. Does loyalty not count for anything anymore? Sheesh. More evidence of the 7 year itch? Perhaps it's just too gardenly for his tool to handle?? (That's a crock of shit, there's bugger all of it lol).

*Standing in the hardware store, holding petrol driven weed whacker*

Me: "What do you think? This one seems ok eh?" *starts playing air guitar against it singing Green, Green Grass of Home*
Cameron: *rolls eyes* "I guess."
Me: "Some enthusiasm would be nice dear."
Cam: "We're talking manual labour Mum....enthusiasm is not an option here."
Me: "There are three able bodied people in our house, we can share it, besides it has to be done. Right, I need gumboots, new gardening gloves etc."
*Picking up ear muffs, raising eyebrows at him*
Cam: "Yeah, probably a good idea."
Me: "Eye safety goggles? lol"
Cam: "Yeah, better get those too."
Me: "Are you sure? God, I can just imagine what I'm going to look like in this get-up *sigh*"
Cam: "You're going to look like The Fly" *laughing heartily*
Me: "Aw man, that's hardly conducive to me getting sex anytime soon is it?"
Cam: *covers ears* "La la la la laaa, I can't heeear you"
Me: "Want the muffs?.....speaking of..."
Cam: *choke* "Mum!"
Me: "Well shut ya gob then."

We thumped my credit card and left the store. I just about had a kaniption when I saw the cost of the damn ear muffs...$50..wtf! Not to mention the boots cost me over $60 AND I got mens ones lol (I basically slipped my foot into one, thought "Yep, they fit, cool" and took them off the shelf without looking at the cost, duh.) If I look at it as accumulating another pair of shoes, I'm ok with it.

I was tempted to turn up at Anne's fully kitted out in my new gardening attire but that would be just asking for trouble. Her camera's practically a body appendage these days. She'd have snapped off a zillion before my rubber boots could get me outta there fast enough.

I was telling my ex-husband later that I could easily fit my iPod earphones under the earmuffs and go about business...might not make it seem such a hassle that way. He strongly suggested I not listen to music while using it, could be unsafe. What? He thinks I might not realise I've whacked off one of my toes if I don't HEAR it happen??

I should probably let him know I couldn't even get the damn thing started eh? lol.
Friday, January 05, 2007

Quick Overview

Spent Xmas Day with my family at the Orchard. Was wonderful to see everyone again and all together in one place.

Stayed ONE night in the tent. Due to Ryan being ill on Christmas Eve, and seemingly ok on Christmas Day, we continued with the original plan and tented that night. Wouldn't you know it? At 2.30am I was standing outside in the rain holding a torch, while he was parked up on the outside loo. Not only did I get saturated doing that, I had to first go into the loo to remove a spider before he'd enter it again.

Incidentally Cameron was the only one who had a decent night's sleep in the tent...although he did say the next day it would've been better if we were not having a conversation over the top of him at 3am. (I really must remember to plan the bed layouts better next time *snort*). Anne turned up at the tent 'door' around 9 to complain that I was still in bed and I threw a box of moccachino at her. By the time I put my feet into gumboots and staggered in the door of the main house, my mocha was ready for drinking.

We drove home Boxing Day. The day after that I decided I wasn't going to miss out on spending precious time with my parents and brother, and drove back up - minus the boys. I had met their father for coffee that afternoon at the Mall. I talked about working like a tag team for the kids and he agreed. I reached across the table, touched his arm and said "You're It" lol.

The traffic was so slow and congested going back I managed to put on makeup. The drive was boring, my vanity case was right there beside me, and it seemed as good an idea as any to fill in time. I stayed two more nights with my family, farewelled my brother, his fiance and the beautiful Lyla (14 months) back to Aussie on the Thursday, then kissed my parents goodbye on the Friday and drove home.

There was a heated family 'moment' one morning. Two of my nieces (both adults) had a major argument about not a lot...they'd spent the night sleeping together in one of the container bedrooms. The following day there was all manner of clothing and toiletries flying out the slider and a whole lotta yelling going on. My brother reckoned it was more entertaining than watching telly. The upside of it is they haven't spoken to each other since(?), so no extra drama has been added. The downside? One of them actually broke the other one's finger, which is now in a cast with the possibility of the tendon being operated on!

I feel like I've driven up and down the coast so many times in the past week or so that the car could do it on auto-pilot. I opted to stay home for New Years Eve although I was supposed to drive back up for the party at my sister's. The boys and I went out for dinner with a small group, then came home and spent a quiet night in...until just after Midnight when I drove Cameron around to his mates place (I know, I know).

The boys have been out in the car twice more since Xmas Day with their Dad. Ryan has apparently got the starting thing sorted, although Cameron says Ryan's stopping leaves a lot to be desired and the strong probability of whiplash is starting to bug the shit out of him. Might pay for Dad to start taking them out seperately from now on...I'll leave that up to him. Long as I don't have to be in the car while it's all happening, I'm ok with however he does it lol.

Right, I'm done for the moment. Happy Day to you!
Monday, January 01, 2007

Some Photos Behind My Mind

Life is rocking on by at a great rate of knots and I'm trying hard to hang on to it's coat tails....there are times when I would willingly let go and come to a grinding stop. Other times I'm so eager, I rush forward trying to overtake it. If I could only find a lovely balance between the two, I'd be able to cope with all manner of feelings and emotions that run my thoughts at certain times.

The past 12 months have been interesting to say the least, and like many years, it's had it's fair share of ups and downs. I've said goodbye to people, said hello again to others from my past, only to say goodbye to them several months later. People come and go in our lives....saying it that way makes it sound so much easier than it actually is of course. In reality we have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of them leaving.

What's left from those times are snapshots of memories. Memories of good feelings and touches, pictures of scenes that click in an instant inside your head. For example, when I close my eyes and think back to Anna's wedding, I see a snapshot in my head of her veil blowing in the breeze by the lake. *Click* Cameron's laughing face while we were dancing later that evening. *Click* The newly married couple dancing intimately (and Anna more than a little drunkenly!) filled with happiness and I'm overwhelmed with love for both bride and groom.

When I think of Jaimee, I see the bouncy ringlets of a beautiful young spirit grinning at me. *Click* I see a snapshot of her dressed only in a nappy, asleep against her mother in a hospital ward after a particularly difficult night with respiratory problems. *Click* Jason moving sleepily to hug me and relieve me of the breakfast I'd brought in for them (lol).

*Click*...I'm standing in the corner of a room. Rivetted to the spot, I watch in fascination. I can feel, not only see, the rush of emotion and passion brimming on the surface. I feel the ache of need and want involved in the bodies tangled together. Both struggling to keep it real...*Click*...the frustration etched on their faces of wanting to go forward but unable to take that step. Both knowing they've already pushed too many limits. I can hear the words "No", "Stop", "Wait" mingled with the ragged breathing and moaning from two people desperately wanting to do anything other than stop or wait. *Click*...The expression on his face as he's looking at her....stepping outside to go and she knows he doesn't want to leave her behind. *Click*...an image of his back as he's walking away.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have a photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's time to say it...time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye


Goodbye 2006...thanks for the memories.