Wednesday, June 27, 2007

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

Hey hey, you you,
I don't like your girlfriend,
No way, no way,
I think you need a new one,
Hey hey, you you,
I could be your girlfriend....

Hey hey, you you
I know that you like me,
No way, no way,
you know it's not a secret
Hey hey, you you
I want to be your girlfriend...


I like this song...and not because I can relate to it, because I don't in many ways, but because it's loud, upbeat and funky. I enjoyed the music well before I bothered listening to the lyrics lol. I caught the video clip of it on tv the other night and I was saying to Cameron "Man, that's a nasty video, she's real MEAN to his girlfriend in it!" Cameron sighed and patiently pointed out that it was a video afterall and furthermore, April Lavigne also played the part of the girlfriend in the video.

Course, I'm such a blind plonker, I missed that, I was too busy watching the tart singing, shoving the nice girlfriend into the water, not to mention knocking her in the head with a 'stray' golfball etc. Who do you side with? The one that's got the nasty streak to do such misdeeds, or the one that appears to have no balls at all and wimpily cries because she's got a bump on her head? Personally I'd not be voting for either...there's such a thing as balance ya know?

Sure, I can be a bitch when i want or feel the need to be...in fact I can turn into one at the drop of a hat when someone I love is being taken advantage of or harmed physically or mentally. And although I will put up with a certain amount of shit from others at different times...if they lay it on thick enough, I will fight back. Bugger laying down and just taking it. Choose your battles well people...there are a heap of scraps going on out there that don't even warrant a roll of the eyes in my book.

Hm...I have SO got way off where I was originally going with this post today lol Let's back the truck up slightly...

The TV....Ryan is well known for his 'reality' lectures in this house...they are of course, almost always directed at me. It seems I cannot even shed a few tears at one of my favourite drama shows on the telly if he's somewhere in close proximity. For example...last week I was watching "Greys Anatomy"...Ryan comes into the lounge, parks up beside me and starts in;

Him: "You know Mum, they are all actors, none of this is actually for REAL. Nobody died, they are JUST actors. Why are you bothering to cry over something that's NOT real."

Me: "Oh Ryan...*sigh*...just leave me be until this finishes."

Him: "You would be better off directing your emotions toward those in 3rd world countries that have to live through horrific things on a daily basis."

Well shit, who am I to argue with THAT kinda logic?? What is my life turning into when my children continually get one up on me? It's a continuous tug of war for me to try keeping one step ahead of them these days. I think the guttser of it is...they're right. Don't misundertand me, I'm proud of their practical thinking on such matters, Lord knows there's enough fabricated drama going on in the world of television...no need to bring it into our lives on a real life basis. Still, if I want to lose myself in someone else's drama for a change, I bloody well will alright?!

I told him to sod off and just allow me the time to enjoy my favourite programme. His parting comment was "Yeah...I can see how much you're REALLY enjoying yourself at the moment...*handing me box*...more tissues?" *smirk*

There are certainly times I long for the two toddlers of yesteryear....they were loud and continously on the move, getting into anything their chubby mitts could find. I managed to have some semblance of control over them ya know? They listened to me back then...took everything I said literally and believed me wholeheartedly with their innocence of life.

Now I gotta put up with smart arse know-it-alls that inhale the pantry/fridge contents, leave tiny hairs all over the basin in the bathroom after shaving, and who cost me a bomb in both a mental and financial capacity.

But you know what? I STILL have the upper hand for now because I get the FINAL say in whatever happens around here, and they both know it. HA!
Monday, June 25, 2007

42nd Street

It occurred to me yesterday, that last Friday is the first time in over 2 and a half years, I've ever had a guest blogger on my site. I've always been such a greedy wench, never sharing my page with anyone...I must like the man or something lol. (Ya think??)

I had a lovely weekend with my sister and her hubby. Diane and Steve (that's their names for those of you that don't know), gave me an overhaul voucher to a private beautician (do you think they're trying to tell me something??)...ok, it wasn't an overhaul per se...but an organic facial with some kinda mud clay treatment for my hair (sounds horrible to have dirt all through my hair, but I'll give it a shot, how hard can it be? I only have to front up and lie down...too easy). Seems these days almost everything is organic when it comes to my sister lol.

The kids gave me a new cordless home phone. The previous one was really on it's last legs...you had to punch some of the numbers about 5 times with a fair amount of force, before any call would go through. It's got all the bells and whistles and I was rapt they thought of it all on their own. Cameron feels insulted when I tell him that, he reckons I may as well say they're thoughtless the rest of the time lol. I love that now they're older, they come up with things they know I'm going to enjoy receiving. Like the iPod they gave me for Christmas...where I go, it follows. It's a nice feeling knowing they're aware of my likes and dislikes as I am of theirs.

Dan gave me an early birthday present when he was here last. I was not only surprised but totally delighted he'd thought to do that back then....I'm embarrassed to say, I'd probably never have thought to do the same myself. Which has me wondering if I should've given him a birthday gift in advance, considering I may not see him until after his next birthday.

It's a slimline briefcase (in pink no less), with tools in it. That's right, tools! lol There's a hammer, wrench, measuring tape, pliers, 20 different screwdriver heads, a spirit level etc, and each one has the colour pink on it somewhere. It's perfect for me and I love it. I've barely used it so far...I don't want to get it scratched lol. I've used the pliers to fix the metal clasp on my dungarees...which is kinda fitting because it's what I wore while we picked apples the last weekend we spent together at the orchard. I've also used the spirit level to straighten up a picture on the wall...more just for the hell of it rather than because it was slightly crooked lol.

When I told Anne, she hooted with laughter and said "Oh my God Lisa, he knows you sooo well!" The slogan of the company that make this toolkit is "Tools for Women, and the Men Who Love Them"....I don't know if he's even aware of that, but I don't care because I know now and it just makes it that much more fabulous lol.

I received three bunches of flowers from the staff at work, which helped to soften the hellish shift we endured that afternoon. At one point with all the ruckus in reception, including two emergencies and the doctors on deck already stretched to the limit, the question crossed my mind "How come I have to deal with this crap on my birthday??!" lol

I also received a small parcel from England. "Magpie", who barely ever posts anymore on her blog, sent me a couple of bags of Thornton's Original Toffee! I took one up to Di's for the weekend, I knew if I didn't share it around my teeth would still be stuck together tonight...that toffee is divine! I love the stuff and she knows it. I'm touched that she remembered. It's a shame I don't know what Mags is up to these days, her last entry was in April I believe.

Anna, Jason and Jaimee gave me a book about friendship with beautiful photography on each page. Anna has always had a gift for writing things in cards or the front of books that make me feel like bawling and this year was no exception.

So, thanks to my loved ones, who via their thoughts and actions, showed me once again they really do 'get' me...and thanks to all of you that sent good wishes and heartfelt words/comments on my 42nd birthday....I had a thoroughly enjoyable day. There's a Danish proverb that states "The road to a friend's house is never long." It's true, and I'm sometimes amazed at how often I feel that so many of you are living in the house next door to me. Kinda weird given the distance, but rather cool nonetheless.

You know?...This growing older thing? It really aint so bad I reckon.
Friday, June 22, 2007

She Says...He Says...

...and then "she says" again, cos she always has to have the last word lol.

It's my birthday today *grin*

Thank you to those that have emailed me with e-cards and birthday wishes. They were very sweet and I appreciated your thoughts tremendously. Y'all just made my day that much better!

Yesterday, I received the following email from the special man in my life. It's a biggun, but if you would care to take the time, I'd appreciate you reading it. Dan wrote this yesterday, it was a complete surprise to me, and I've left it as is, so as not to misquote him or alter anything he's written. He said I could add it to one of my posts. SO, here it is. Considering you've only heard my side of the situation, it seems fair to me that he should give his perspective also. I hate to have any of you think the man doesn't have a voice ya know? lol (He even gave it a heading, how cute is that? lol)

If any of you have ever been across to The Kiwi House and read Dan previously, you would know that he doesn't often write this personally. In fact I can only ever recall reading 1 post where he's written with such feeling and that was about his oldest daughter. I know for a fact that he finds it difficult to give himself on such a level to the world at large.

So...here's my birthday present to myself today. Some words from the man I love, to some of the people I love to share him with.

***

Shooting from the Lip

Well at last it is out in the open to the world (well a select few) that Dan is the mysterious man in Lisa's life.

Some of you have been full of support while some have been skeptical to say the least about my intentions.

OK here goes, I love Lisa with all my heart, and I guess that this was confirmed the first time that I actually met her for coffee - yes really - just as mates for coffee and to finally say hi in person. At the time I was married, not happily, but I was married. Anyway as things eventuated we found ourselves really being sooo comfortable with each other that it seemed like we had been together for ever. One thing led to another and we ended up having cuddles on the bed. And for those doubting Thomas's out there that have asked how Lisa can be so sure that I won't cheat on her, I refused to make love to Lisa because I was still married - damn that took some self control, believe me.

Someone that reads this blog, has known me a lot longer than even Lisa has, and knows that my marriage has been on the rocks and very loveless for a couple of years now. So I guess that was the catalyst that I needed, I was truly in love, and I am definitely not just talking physical, I didn't realise how great it felt and at the same time so painful.

Lisa and I decided to play it by ear and see what happened from there. I then decided that this was it, the marriage was over, not that it had been something that you can call a marriage in any normal manner. I started sleeping in a separate room, not that really mattered, sex was an annual affair if that. So at this stage the marriage was over. I had to go to Wellington to help my first born pack up her place as she was moving south to be with me, while she went to Teachers College. (First Born is my daughter not ours). So yah, Lisa and I had a couple of days together, with no guilt or thoughts of cheating getting in the way (remember - the marriage was finished at this stage). You know it is really funny how a 47 year old man can feel like a 15year old boy going on a first date LOL. We had a beautiful long weekend together, and it was really hard to say goodbye.

If you have read my blog, you will know that I have just had a business venture fail on me, and it has cost us a lot of money. This is the only reason that I am here at the moment, I refuse to leave my wife in a position that will cripple her financially, well in fact cripple both of us, and I will be here until we can sort this out, Lisa knows this and understands my loyalty, as it not only affects my wife but also my girls.

After someone not hiding a phone bill well enough (hmm did I really want her to find it) I was confronted, and after much one sided discussion - and that wasn't from me btw - I told her that I had found someone else (ha, she already knew that when she rang Lisa to confront her - sorry Lisa), and that our marriage was finished already.

OK long story shortened,, I told her that I would give it another go with our marriage, I guess that in a way that this was not really fair, as I didn't love her (and hadn't loved her for a long time - if I ever really had), but I would try, but I knew it would soon turn back to normal.

Don't get me wrong, my wife has a big heart, and I am in no way perfect, but it is really hard to fix something that has been broken for a long time and one party won't accept any part of the responsibility for the problems.

OK this is getting to be like War and Peace, LOL perhaps that is a fitting title. I had to go to Wellington for six weeks for training for my new job - Prison Officer. If you go back in Lisa's posts, that was when she got that phone call - "We need to talk".

Lisa understood my dilemma, and said that although she didn't want to let go, she understood, trust me this was done over a lot of tears from both of us - yes I do cry. Lisa's one request was that she could have me for the six weeks that I was in Wellington.....

Man she is cunning *joke*

We spent six wonderful weeks together, well more like the odd week night, but we had the weekends, including weekends away to the orchard - Thanks D. Lisa's friends, had to do the big inspection of this guy that had taken their Lisa's heart, funny thing so did Lisa's ex LOL, and they were pretty good about, since they knew the whole story.

We have pretty much been in contact every day since then, and even managed to spend another day together when I had to go to Wellington.

To let everyone else know, Lisa is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, she is like a part of me that has been separated and finally found her way back. This lady is beautiful and so incredible, we will sit there and just talk for hours, we can tell how each other is feeling, we just belong together, people have commented how we are like an old married couple when we are together - I like that. She is so full of beauty, energy, wisdom, love, compassion, understanding to everyone that she meets, and a great friend and Mum to the boys.

She is also a tiger in the bedroom (ha, bet that gets edited). Love making (I refuse to call it sex) is so much give and take, sharing every part of each other, understanding each others whimpers/moans/screams, knowing the parts of the body that get different reactions, knowing the difference between sensual and pain, and being together as one at that moment - not keeping count but don't you owe me?

Things are going to take time before we are together, Lisa knows this, and when I finally get out of this, I intend to spend time alone, I am not going to drop everything and go and set up a live in relationship with Lisa, this is the only way that we can know for sure that we are not jumping into things for the wrong reasons, and I will need to sort my own life out. Just as well there are other Prisons that I can transfer to, especially the ones in Wellington.

Even then, we both know that we will end up happily together - Hugs honey

***

Course, if he'd said a whole lotta nasty crap you never would've got to read it lol. I read this over again this morning and thought that regardless of the current situation, I'm a lucky woman. I've a man who loves me enough to wear his heart on his sleeve and share himself with my readers...I have family and friends who love me despite my shortcomings...and I mistakenly left the heater going all night in the lounge, so I'm feeling rather warm and toasty...inside and out.

Yep, today is a good day....Happy Birthday to ME! * big grin*
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Are You Receiving Me? Over...

There appears to be something happening with my email account. I mean, I spend bloody ages typing monstrous emails (and some of you KNOW I aint lying about that lol)...and some of you aren't even receiving them. Course I don't find this out for a few days...thats when the postmaster sends me an email telling me it hasn't been able to send MY emails after trying for 17,000 hours or something like that...ok, maybe just 127 hours, but even so, it's still a piss off.

Funnily enough, some of that's crap and some of it's not....figuring out which ones were received by my online friends and which ones weren't is where the problem lies.

So, just in case, I will now apologise to those that read me, that have sent me emails, and it could seem like I haven't responded. Yes, I can be hopeless at answering emails sometimes, but recently? Nah, I've been a good little emailer...if only my ISP would allow me to be, pfft.

Actually, that's not completely true. I still have to respond to one email I received a couple of days ago...now I'm not sure it's worth it cos she may not receive it. *sigh*

So, Kari? just quickly, I'll respond to you here....that photo you sent me? No offence, but your daughter doesn't know what she's lookin' at...I'm on your side....he IS handsome, he doesn't look like a Jughead at all! lol In fact, I'd go so far as to say, you both look like you fit each other and belong together. (And just for the record, I think you're gorgeous.) Thanks for sharing that with me :)

Right, that's it for now, I'll leave you with this, just to lighten my antsy mood with the email gurus that appear to be keeping me from you. (Bastards! How DARE they??!)

***

Two old ladies are talking over a cup of tea.
One says to the other,
"So did you come on the bus?"

The other one replies
"Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
Sunday, June 17, 2007

Guys and Dolls

I watched a documentary on telly the other night about some men that had dolls as companions...sexually and otherwise. Real Dolls, they're known as. From a distance they do look rather real, but they're actually made of silicone...I think the standard model weighs about 100 pounds of solid silicone.

Each man interviewed had his own reasons for purchasing his doll companions... they're lonely for company, they want sex without the hassle of dating first, they want a woman that was a particular build, shape, colour...or maybe they have some kinky crazed sexual fantasies they feel no real woman would participate in. How easy to order one to your specifications eh?

There are probably plenty of men out there that wish their partners were the perfect physical female speciman. Far as I'm concerned, they're blowing smoke up their own arses. She doesn't exist. One way or the other, she is almost always going to find something about her body she's not happy with. BUT, if you don't care about that and feel she's perfect for you, then that's another kettle of fish altogether of course. Not to mention a more realistic attitude.

Back to the programme...these men go shopping for clothes for their 'women', some talk to them (which i guess is better than talking to themselves maybe?), some take them out in public, they will pose them in various positions; reading books, leaning up against walls etc...some dolls have a bolt on the back of their necks, so they can be hung upright for standing.

During the interview, one man took the camera crew into his bedroom where he said he thought his lady was still sleeping because he'd had a fairly rigorous session with her that morning. He enters the room and says "Yes, she's still sleeping." Then proceeds to pick up her 'awake' silicone face, which he'd replaced earlier with her 'sleeping' silicone face. Did he not remember he'd just made the switch himself? It's not like she could do it herself is it??

There are no motor mechanics involved, but over time the limbs can get a bit on the 'floppy' side. Once they get to that stage, they need to be sent off to the Doll Doctor, who pulls out their bits and pieces, tightens up some joints etc and sends them back to their eager owners, good as new. I watched as one man packed his girlfriend up in a crate (after dressing her meticulously and putting on fresh makeup). He was very apprehensive about her leaving for 3 weeks...it was the longest they'd been apart in the 5 years since they'd been together. He gently kissed her goodbye and I could see the emotion on his face when he closed the door of the crate.

One man said "If you can't find a woman by the time you're my age, you're not going to are you?" He was only 39 years old. If I was judging by looks alone, I can see why some of these men felt they'd never get a gorgeous 'organic' woman on their arm. That's what they call us living, breathing gals...organic. In their minds, they had the perfect woman...she was beautiful, she didn't answer back, and they saved money on groceries.

I will admit, I struggled to keep an open mind about it, and as many times as I felt I should switch channels, I couldn't help but continue to watch with morbid fascination. After thinking about the lack of physical warmth they were cuddling upto, I searched around on the web today and found this site, which gives more detail about the dolls and their owners. Apparently some of them leave their girlfriends in bed all day heating her up with an electric blanket. Problem solved.

I find it hard NOT to judge these men and their bizarre companions, but I guess it's really only just another form of a masturbation toy (a rather expensive one at that) Let's face it, it's not like there aren't plenty of sex toys available on the market. Hands up any woman that doesn't have a vibrator, hasn't used one or at least thought about using one? Yeah ok, we'll scrap that question, no need to answer, I've a feeling I'd be the only one sitting here without my hand up lol.

Glorified masturbation tools those dolls may be for some, but it's also obvious that some of the men interviewed used these fake women as their constant companions. And I guess, as long as they're happy and not harming anyone else in the process, it works well for them. Saying that, one chap had 8. That's not a typo, 8, eight, EIGHT! He was running out of places to store them...they'd end up shut in cupboards or shoved under beds like the proverbial lover being caught with their pants down, when the wife/husband turned up unexpectedly (shut up the lot of you lol).

Ryan came into the lounge during the programme, glanced at the telly (naked silicone breasts in full view as the Doll Doctor demonstrated his skills), and asked "Whoa, what are you watching?!" I got as far as "A documentary about..." when the Doc on tv (now with a tool impaled between the doll's legs, removing her genitalia) uttered "Aw shit, I'm running out of vaginas."
Ryan's response..."Uh... right then...I'm outta here" and he promptly disappeared again.

Gives a whole new meaning to "Different strokes for different folks" really doesn't it? lol
Thursday, June 14, 2007

Exhaling....

I wrote a post in February that I never put up. I'm actually glad I didn't post it at the time because I imagine the outcome would only be seen as stereotypical of the circumstances. ANYWAY, without further ado, here it is, make of it what you will, and I'll try my best to fill in some of the blanks occasionally.

***
February 8

I told him I loved him this weekend. In fact I stopped him right in the middle of making love and told him. I've always thought it was never a good idea to say those words during sex. Mainly due to all the hormones going wild and not being completely in control of what's going through your mind. How does the receiver actually know you genuinely mean what you're saying? How do I know I genuinely mean it?

I know that's why I stopped him. I wanted to make sure that in some crazy way the words were separated from what we were doing. I didn't want them to be lost in the heat of passion. I wanted to make sure he heard those words...I wanted to make sure I heard them coming out of my own mouth. That way there was no mistaking what I'd said. I needed to be heard. Get me eh? Making sure I have silence when I speak, ha ha ha. *sigh*

The night before I knew it was going to come out soon....the warmth washing over me....I didn't understand, or want to understand, what it was or where it was coming from. I chose to ignore it. Just as I had been ignoring it for the past couple of months. It's easier that way you know? It was safer to pretend I wasn't starting to lose control of my emotions.

I lay there that night as he slept, thoughts going around in my head. I thought about how my body could be pressed up against him and I still felt I couldn't get close enough. I thought about how I longed to be touching him always...in any way possible. I thought about how easily we seem to fit together. I thought about the way my body reacted so instantly to his hands...again and again.

And I sit here now and think about how we never run out of things to talk about....the communication between us goes beyond just physical. I think about how I feel inside when he crosses my thoughts. And I think about circumstances and possible consequences, the risks I've taken by saying those three words. I wonder what on earth I'm doing putting myself into such a situation. And yet now that I'm here, I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. It has a surreal quality to it.

Most of you will know, I like to have a semblance of control over what's happening in my world. When my emotional equilibrium is at stake, I push back and dig in my heels. Yep, that's me...I can be counted on to deny anything that might give my foundations a good shake. Fuck, where has being in denial ever gotten me before? Nowhere, that's where. Or in situations I should never have been in in the first place. So maybe it's a good thing it came out? Maybe it's a good thing to stop rebelling? I know it was a great relief to finally say it out loud.

I felt I'd been holding my breath for so long.

I don't know what tomorrow holds...I have even less idea what next week will bring....but what I do know, is if I had continued to deny something that feels so good..so right...I'd forever regret not exploring it further. Yeah I know, I'm practically gushing aren't I? Me? Who'd have thought? Ya know?..I think I've lived my life on too many sentences that started with "What if...?"

And I think about how much I enjoy the company of this charming, intelligent man, with his ready smile and beautiful heart, and I see a quiet strength in him like no other. I'm fascinated at how easy it all feels. Is this how it's supposed to feel? Requiring no effort? Do not pass GO, do not collect $200? Just being? Whilst I feel like screaming "YES!" in answer to those questions, I'll keep a rein on it and go with a quiet "Maybe". And that's not because I think I could be wrong, that's only because I'm scared shitless.

So there ya go. I said "I love you" and I have so many different emotions rushing through me now because of it. I feel raw and vulnerable. I am terrified of getting crushed....and if I think too hard about any of it, I feel breathless with how truly frightened I am. I appear to have lost any strength to keep it together....it's like only my weaknesses are on show. I'm not liking that much but it's as if I can't help myself.

For now, besides being perturbed I can't see into the future, I find myself with no other option but to go with the flow and see where the current takes me. There seems no point in fighting against it anyway...it's obvious I already feel like I'm drowning.

****

It took me a while to start breathing normally again after reading this back to myself today. And as some of you are aware, at the end of February I thought I was going to stop breathing altogether. I didn't of course...I drank too much and wrote this instead. That's when he let me know he was going to try again to see if he could make his marriage work.

I can't begin to describe how empty and numb I felt hearing that. As I discovered a few days ago, I still can't speak of that time without tears being involved. I was talking with an online friend and as we discussed it, I could feel them starting to build. I even remember stubbornly saying "...and I am NOT going to cry!" And then she thought our connection had been dropped because I muted the mic and cried anyway lol. What an emotional cry-baby I am *sigh*

If it's meant to be, it will be. And it IS meant to be.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Getting Settled

Right, now you know what I'm involved in, I will continue to write what I want or please, whenever I get the urge ok? I realised that if I didn't eventually tell you that some of what I write on here was not going to make sense. I'm pretty good at not making sense at the best of times, but I figure it could only help to fill in some of the blanks.

Regardless of the circumstances, I will continue to enjoy the time we do have together, and I will more than likely be expressing that on here. Reading about this situation is not going to sit well with everyone, I realise that. I don't expect you to be jumping up and down with joy about it, but I am hoping for respectful, insightful comments. And so far I've not been disappointed.

If any of you are uncomfortable or upset with what you read on here, please tell me you'd like your invitation revoked. I'm very aware of the possible consequences...very aware...we both are. My eyes are not closed on this matter, they're wide open. I've made the choice to continue being part of his life as much as I can despite the various complications.

I asked him the other day what he thought we'd be like if we had an argument. He said he felt we'd both know when it was time to walk away to cool down. I suspect that could be translated to HIM walking away and ME standing around fighting myself lol. I've a lot of hot air to dispel when I get going ya know? lol Anyway, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

Both my boys know what's going on. Cameron in particular has been a tremendous sounding board for me. Earlier on he saw the struggle I was going through coming to terms with what's been happening and he practically became an advocate for the man in question. Cam basically lays the facts on the line and his opinion of what he's seen, what he thinks, and the general feeling he gets when he's seen the two of us together. Cam wasn't impressed at all with the attitude of the last man that spent some time in our house I can tell you. (Well I can tell you now that I've gone private anyway lol).

I sometimes worry that I tell that kid too much, and I mentioned that to him the other night. It concerns me that he could become dissillusioned about what love and marriage is supposed to be about and I said so. He said "No Mum, I've been brought up with good morals and values and that is because of YOU." I can't exactly remember what else he said but he was very wordy (where does he get that from??). I told him "Cameron, when you say things like that, you make me feel I can't have been all wrong with the way I raised you." He responded by saying "Not at all Mum, you're a good mother and when I hear what some of my friends say about their parents, I know how lucky I am." Man, that kid melts my heart.

I know he's not saying that to make me feel better...he's pretty good at telling me exactly what he thinks, offend or please lol. While what Ryan thinks is just as important, he goes with the flow more and doesn't voice himself the same way, unless he's unhappy about something... then we ALL know about it. He's a teen of few words is Ryan...his opinion is "He's cool, I like him." (Gosh, it's like deja vu in here, well at least for two people anyway lol)

I did say to Cam that I was going to have to give him a name of some sort on here, I can't keep referring to him as "him, he, the man, this man, that man" etc. Cameron came out with the suggestion of Pseudo Man, haha very funny.

I will address the issues of jealousy and "how do you know he won't cheat on you" at some other point. Between the emails and posting I'm pretty much running myself ragged typing lately, I was going to post last night but wrote a lengthy email to one of you and ended up running out of steam instead lol.

Thanks for listening/reading...let me know if you'd rather be wearing ear muffs or a blindfold and I'll see what I can to accommodate you!
Friday, June 08, 2007

Coming Clean...

I'm not much for playing head games, and I certainly don't like it when others play head games with me. As far as I'm concerned they're a waste of time and can cause all manner of upsets for the parties involved.

So, why is it then, that sometimes I feel like I'm playing head games with myself these days? My mind becomes split between the angel and devil advocates arguing back and forth. Makes me wonder how long it'll be before an all out brawl gets down and dirty up there.

I'm having an affair with a married man. There's no other way to say it, it is what it is. There are very few of you that know this....for those that don't, I'll give you time to let that sink in. *nano second* Ok, that's enough, don't want you dwelling on it for too long. While it's not the typical affair (are any of them? I've no idea), it definitely comes with it's complications...whether we can overcome the complications and all they entail remains to be seen.

Do I want to overcome them? Yes, more than anything. Can I see my desired result happening easily? No, not at all. Understanding the situation and the emotions of all involved, doesn't make it less difficult to deal with. But once again I'm on here typing the words "one step at a time." I can't see any other way to do it really. And if I actually DO get what I'm wishing for...it'll be worth it in the long run. I know this without a doubt.

So again I find myself waiting for someone. And not just anyone...but someone else's husband. I fought against these feelings for a long time before basically throwing my hands up in defeat and wading in. My heart just simply refused to listen to my head regardless of how often I tried to reason with it. Mind you, at that time we were both single. It's amazing how much we can justify and rationalise what we're doing under such circumstances.

Ironic eh? I finally found someone in the same country and I can't have him when I want him. Which incidentally, is all the time. *sigh*

Have I learnt anything from this? Indeed I have. I've learnt there really is somebody out there that fits me afterall. Someone that gets me, despite the various masks I wear to stop the rest of the world from seeing who I am (and their name isn't Alice this time lol). Someone I want to wake up to every morning and cuddle up to at night. Someone I can talk to, really talk to about my dreams and fears. I've never experienced being so full of love for someone, yet so empty due to their absence at the same time.

I've been in similar situations. You know that. I've had two internet relationships...the first with a man I never met in person...the second, a man I flew to, and in return (after the first man getting in the way for a time), flew to me. So yes, I've dealt with the feeling of not being with the subject of my affections before. But, this feels different. Granted he has a wife, pretty major difference there. But this feels different because it IS different. This man has me feeling more alive and real than I've felt for many years. I'd even go so far as to say I can't ever remember feeling like this about anyone before. And yes, I can feel your skeptism...I might feel the same way were I in your shoes, on the outside looking in.

A few months ago, I made a conscious decision to become the 'other woman'. And for the record, this is not a decision either of us took lightly. I don't want to read again in my comments anything to the tune of "make sure he's worth it" etc, because I already know he is. If I didn't think he was, do you really think I'd have put myself in this position? We're both intelligent, caring people, we're not doing this for kicks or to deliberately hurt anyone. I know he loves me and I know he's torn between doing the responsible thing and being where he really wants to be.

Actually, I shouldn't be saying that....I can't speak for him, only he knows what's going on inside his head. I'm only giving my perspective of our relationship from what I feel, see and hear from his actions and words. There's always the possibility that I'm misinterpreting him and I could be doing that because it's what I want. Those rose-tinted glasses go down in history as having a lot to answer for....love being blind and all that.

Anytime we get the chance to be together, I want to cling madly onto him so he can't leave again. The fact I don't do that doesn't change the frustration I feel at seeing him go. Suffocating women are terribly unattractive don't you think? But I'd like to start off a steamy session by handcuffing him...tie him up to the point he can't move. This appeals tremendously because then I could attempt to shove him in the closet and not let him go. Saying that, I can't see him allowing it to happen without a major struggle and countless bruises...but then, I wouldn't want a doormat now would I?

If I had a dollar for every time I've said or typed "The heart wants, what the heart wants"....I'd have my own fleet of private aircraft by now I reckon. How I cope with all this is going to be interesting and maybe even a little alarming. I try hard not to think about it too much...I do my best to block out the negatives. The romantic part of me hangs in there, riding the positives with as much determination as possible. It has a strong faith in the way we fit and the love we share. My memory constantly rewinds, playing back the times we do get to spend together in person.

Those times are few and far between. Vodafone has become my saviour...giving me the opportunity to be part of his life. Our phone calls are almost always less than 15 minutes long but beggars can't be choosers and I gather comfort and strength from those precious minutes. I take what I can get and my heart gleefully grabs onto it with both hands.

I know the only way for me to have control of this situation, is to walk away. Yet that's not an option I'm prepared to consider at this point. I can't say I've never thought about it because in the early stages it crossed my mind more times than I care to remember. But I'm here now and as I told a dear friend via email recently...the pull and ache of needing/wanting to be with the person who truly feels right for you?...well, it just never goes away.
Thursday, June 07, 2007

But I Already Go Shopping!

Cameron and I were having a discussion about what would/could/should happen when he eventually leaves home. There's no estimated date of departure...I think he just likes to fantasise about when he's no longer going to be under this roof. Occasionally he'll bring it up...I think he's concerned that if he doesn't mention it now and then, I'll forget it's ever going to happen.

And besides, if there was an actual date, I'd have scrapped going private and permitted the whole damn universe to see the torture my oldest son was subjecting me to. You do realise when he goes I'm gonna be scarred emotionally to the point where I'm rocking and wailing, right?

Me: "What if I just want to pop in and visit?"

Cam: "No, you can't visit with me..."

Me: "I'd respect your privacy...I wouldn't turn up unannounced, I'd ring first"

Cam: "... you can only drop things off."

Me: "Eh? What THINGS? Money I suppose?"

Cam: "No, like computer things. You know, like when you get frustrated and can't work it out? *changes to high pitched whiney voice* "Something's gone wrong and I can't figure it out, please fix it for me?" like that"

Me: *snort* "Whatever....so can't I just stick around while you fix it?"

Cam: "No, because if I let that happen, then I can see a whole lotta things going wrong with your computer in my future."

Me: "That's not very fair."

Cam: "No Mum, the decision is final, there is no room for negotiation. There will be no staying."

Me: "But wait...what will I do while you're fixing it then?"

Cam: " Oh I don't know...you'll just have to go shopping or whatever else it is that old people do."

(You all know that I'm gonna be getting my arse in that door now don't you? Besides the fact that I want to show him just how determined old people can be, I sure as hell want to know what it is he thinks he's gonna be doing once he's flown the coop!)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Getting Comfy

Ok, I think I've done it now. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting for you to read at this point in time...I was purely adding you all to the permission thingy and seeing if it worked. I'm humbled by how many of you sent requests, thank you. (Larry, you silver-tongued devil you lol.)

I sent invites to most who asked, relented and sent 3 out that didn't, but thought they may be interested anyway lol. I can't help it if you're away on holiday or don't have readily available internet access. I took it upon myself to assume you'd be devastated if you came in here to find you'd been shut out...I'm hardly going to be happy feeling responsible for that much emotional trauma lol.

I was going to say, if you can't get in here and you want to, then just send me an email or say so in my comment box. Then it struck me "How is that possible when some people can't even read what I've said here anyway, doh!"

Put that down to a blonde moment, or possibly, a senior moment. Considering my birthday is coming up in the next few weeks, and I do have highlights in my hair that could be seen as blonde...take your pick, reader's choice. I'm that generous.

It'd be nice to think that after all these years, I could be more than just a work in progress eh? Then again, what are we, if not continuing to learn and grow as the years rush past us so switfly? I'd be a pretty arrogant son-of-a-bitch if I thought I knew everything and was done growing.

So yeah, here I am, hidden away now to spill my thoughts and feelings to only those that I feel comfortable sharing with.

Welcome to my self-induced hidey-hole! *grin*