Thursday, December 29, 2005

Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me)

So, which version do you want? A mamby pamby, hooray, lovey dovey version? A hot steamy rendition that makes you warmly flushed? (it could help with you lot dealing with winter at the moment). Or a messed up day of people coming and going to the point where I couldn't think straight?

How about I just give you the truth?

First off (oh hush, I'm getting there, quiet down)...thank you all so much for your comments on my previous post. I really appreciated your support and kind words. I swear some of you were more excited than me lol. Nah, not possible.

A few weeks ago, I had asked my ex husband to take the boys for the first two nights after Walker arrived. We needed some time on our own to get reacquianted and settle in. Course there was also the other. *knowing look* And what teenager wants to hear what's happening in his mother's bedroom? "Eeeewww, surely not THAT?". You can imagine.

So my ex, being a great supporter of all things sexual and possibly feeling like a hero who was about to save the foundation of mankind, turned up at 9.30am to pick the boys up. They were still in bed. By the time we'd dragged them out, a friend had turned up for 'morning tea'. 30 minutes later another girlfriend turned up to pick up something she'd 'forgotten'. Sheesh. I barely had time to remember to brush my teeth.

Finally everyone left. I had about an hour on my own to get sorted. I took a few deep breaths....mentally screwed my brain back on and concentrated on what was going to be happening shortly.

That's when it started.

My hands went first....shaking all over the god damn place.

My knees hung in there long enough to wobble the rest of my body around the house as I went about my business.

My chest was getting concerned about my heart and worrying that it may not stay in there at the rate it was pounding against the inside.

I put the bare amount of makeup on with trembling hands...wondering if now would be a good time to take up alcoholism with a vengence. No, bad idea. I could get stopped on the way to the airport and end up in a jail cell. Nope, this was something I had to do clear-headed, no spirits involved except those of the butterflies flapping around in my stomach.

I took a quick scan around the house....stifled the urge to jam all the clutter and mess into the oven to hide it. Oven's are great for that don't you think? If I'd given into that urge the cat would've gone in with the rest of it.

I stepped out onto the balcony, slid the door closed and my rubber legs carried me down the stairs to the garage.
Monday, December 26, 2005

Around The World in 80 Minutes

I was sitting here this morning, thinking about how slack I've been at writing up something christmassy and all that blah blah.

I know, YOU know I want only the very best for you all for the festive season and the new year...why do I have to keep bloody well saying it??

There were more pressing matters in my head....besides, christmas was yesterday....I am SO over that.

But then....

I had an epiphany...it was sudden and came at me in the form of a blinding light (hmm, food for thought). I desperately needed to be part of everyone else's christmas too, not just mine.

For an unknown reason I started listening to some rockin' christmas music in my headset and I was swept up by all the hype and hoopla...finally. What can I say?...I'm a slow starter...t'was a delayed reaction my friends.

So, as it's now Boxing Day here in Kiwi-land, that doesn't mean that it has to be all over for me right? I aint a has-been....I just look like one. (Just kidding, I know I still have my moments of hotness, you know it *rolls eyes*)

I started dialling...

*beep beep beepity beep*....*ring ring ringy ring ring*

A gorgeous british accent answered the phone "Hello?" I was in England sharing a short space of christmas time with my Fabulous Fizzy! You all know she's mine right? Good...don't you be forgetting that. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time I spoke with her.

*beep beep, ringy ring ring*

Next stop, France. Weeeeeeeeeeeee! It was such a pleasure to speak with the Beautiful Jo (and I suspect I got Simon very briefly there at the beginning?). After I'd hung up from her...I yelled "HA! Take that! I CAN be in France afterall!! Bwah ah aaaaah!"....I have no idea who I was yelling that to, but hey I frightened the cat, so it's all good.

*beep beep, ringy ring ring*

A lovely young southern accent answered. "something-or-other....what colour do you want?" Huh? Hell, did I ring a paint shop?? After a bit of Kiwi and Louisaiana accent fumbling...I got to hear the sexy drawl of another very special friend of mine. In fact, Kenny is my longest standing internet buddy from ICQ days. I love him and his family to pieces despite how many times I've wanted to slap him upside the head over the years...only in the best possible way of course lol. He's the kinda mate I could end up sitting in a jail cell next to...you know the one that slaps their knee saying "DAMN, that was fun!"?

The dialling and ringing continued a little longer....had a couple of hiccups on my travels....spoke to an unknown male in North Carolina...wished him Merrry Christmas all the same lol. The only person in my address book I couldn't get hold of was my boyfriend. But I'll talk to him later this afternoon, AND I'll get him in my clutches in person in a couple of days time, yeah yaaa. You do know I'm gonna be getting some of the real stuff soon eh? *smirk* (just ignore that, I'm becoming obssessed with the thought lol)

So, there ya go....this morning physically, I've wandered around my lounge and kitchen talking on the phone...my voice and heart has been transported to various corners of the world and truly loved it's travel down the phone lines. Nothing better than a kiwi girl pushing her way into your family celebrations...what more could you ask for?? I mean, really?

Ok, enough of the arrogance. *clears throat* By ringing those extra special people in my life this morning, I gave myself a belated christmas present...such a delightful and delicious gift...one that warmed my heart, lifted my spirits and had the rest of my body doing a happy dance of it's own. Thank you so much for not hanging up when you realised who it was lol.

Technology rocks doesn't it? Yep, you better believe it. *grin*

***

UPDATE:
Walker: "Guess what I'm doing?"
Me: "Eh? We don't have time for that right now."
Walker: "Oh ha ha, not that."
Me: "Ok, I'll play the game...what are you doing?"
Walker: "I'm strapping my boots on."
Me: "Wow, I've got butterflies."
Walker: "Me too, but mine are the size of eagles and hawks lol"

So, there it is folks. That was part of the last conversation I had with him, minutes before he left the house for his first flight. Next time I speak to him will be when I see him at Wellington Airport.

HOW BLOODY EXCITING IS THAT??!
Friday, December 23, 2005

In case you weren't aware....

I'm going to be having sex soon.

The real stuff.

No computer, headset or telephone in sight.

Passionate...breathless...nail-digging...clothes-ripping...face-distorting....body-bruising..."Oh.My.God. I. am. ALIVE!!"....sex.

Anyone or anything that attempts to get in the way of that happening will most definitely be hurt.

My christmas present is arriving a few days late this year, but it's going to be well worth the wait.

Cos I'm gonna be getting me a little somethin' somethin'.

Actually, no....I'm gonna be getting me a LOTTA somethin' somethin'.

Yes sireee, I am.

My man, he cometh...and so too, will I. (heh)

Is my house ready?....Nope.

Is my body ready?....Hell Yeah.

Yes...the earth is going to move.

Yes...the angels will be a'singin'. Hark y'all.

And Yes, I know you're all ecstatic I've shared this information with you.

No...you can't have pictures.

And now, onto less important news:
Christmas Day will be upon New Zealand shores in 2 sleeps.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Calm Before Another Storm?

No whinging today, I'm feeling slightly more in control of my surroundings.

This morning I woke at 6.15am. I was out of the door at 7.00am and walking around the supermarket aisles. I figured that time of the day would be perfect to get my food shopping done. There'd be barely anyone around, I could think clearly without extra noise of toddler tantrums and there'd be no major holdups at the check-out.

It seems a lot of other people had the same idea. If I'd known that so many were going to be milling around shopping, I would've made sure I looked half decent. As it was I staggered around half-asleep in my slippers. I was however wearing some lovely gold earrings so I'm hoping that made up for the rest of my attire. When it comes to cheap gold, *pokes self in chest* I'm your woman...well, I mean, if it's gold, and it's cheap...I am SO there!

Anyway, the majority of food shopping is done now, so I'm feeling better. Yesterday afternoon I reached the peak of throwing my toys out of the playpen. I sat here for a while and sobbed at Walker on the headset "I don't want to do this anymore *sniff*...I want to cancel Christmas.*sniff*..I can't handle all the noise and the people and the financial strain!"

Sob, sob, blah blah, sob, sob.

Oh boo friggin' hoo Lisa, get a grip woman!
(Ever notice how much we talk to ourselves at this time of year?)

So I did...kinda...sorta...and today...all seems calm with the world. The fact that my teenagers are still sound asleep could have something to do with it lol. I basically yanked any options for food away from my offspring. I'm the mother...I'm the adult...I'm the one supporting this household, so I will be the one to make the decision about the food.

"Dear Sprogs....We are going to be having this, with this and followed by this. Should you have any complaints, please put it in writing and I will endeavour to respond as soon as possible in the New Year. Love you lots...the Boss-Lady"

And that's that. Shop done. Fridge closed.

Hey...I've got a new bloggy friend...he's apparently Trapped in Colorado. MrColorado is a single man (go get him girls! haha), VERY new to blogging...and this post has him asking a few questions of us women. Questions about shoe fetishes and the differences between "I love you" and "I'm IN love with you" etc. So ladies (and gentlemen)...do the man a favour? Drop in and see him and lay your opinion on his commenting section. I know he'd appreciate your view and welcome the visit.

Look at me...telling you I won't be around as much, and here I am blogging 3 days in a row. You know what? It really aint so bad being unpredictable...although I will promise, you won't find me chasing you wearing an indian feathered head-dress with a tomahawk in my hand. Feeling safer now? Excellent.

Right...move along now...nothing more to see here.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Noise Control

I kinda feel Chrismassy, but to be honest I'm feeling more NO than yes right now.

At one stage yesterday afternoon there were 6 teenagers in my lounge. I love that my children's friends feel comfortable visiting here. They tend to drop in without invitation, no announcement etc....I open the door and WA LA!...there they are. For the most part I enjoy their company. Most have been here several times before and have become relaxed around me. A couple are still a little uneasy in my presence. It's always good to instill a little bit of fear in somebody...bwah ah aaaaaah! lol

I refuse to leave my lounge area to accommodate them specifically. This is my home...I'm part of the furniture here...that's just the way it is. Sometimes I'll choose that moment to sit down here with the headphones on, crank the tunes up and write a post. Just basically ignore them. It's like bumble bee strategy...you don't annoy them, they won't annoy you lol.

[This broadcast has just been interrupted due to me letting in a couple of young teenage girls. Both dropping in to see Ryan...his bedroom door has just closed behind them. Should I be worried?]

Last night I was sprawled out on my bed watching Extreme MakeOver Home Edition and Desperate Housewives (two programmes I usually never miss)...because to use the telly in the lounge may have started an uprising. The playstation gunshot sounds were ricochetting off the walls and embedding themselves directly into the noise control centre of my brain.

[Ryan just surfaced from his room to remove the playstation from the lounge TV....no longer worried about what they're up to in there lol]

The Dual Screen and it's little nintendo doggy thing was yapping and barking at whichever teen was calling out to it and hollering instructions.

Around that time is when Ryan chose to bring out his guitar and pluck away at it while watching everything that was going on.

I wanted to make plenty of noise myself by that stage.

I wanted to yell....."Enough!! Everyone and everything, Shut..The..Hell..Up!!"
But I didn't...

because I didn't want to embarrass my children in front of their friends...

and because I'm chicken shit.

This morning I got up at 6am, flicked the switch on the kettle and wandered into the lounge yawning to find two teenage boys sleeping across my furniture. One of them was Cameron, so I guess that makes it ok right?

Actually, all this coming and going of boys and girls through my household is not feeling ok today. There are 5 days before Christmas...I still have to do the supermarket shopping or we'll be eating Ricies for christmas breakfast, Weetbix for lunch and Honey Puffs for dinner. (Why the hell is it that there is always cereal for miles in my pantry??)

I've had a word with Cameron, and I shall do the same with Ryan, once his friends leave. For the next 3 days of this week there are to be no dropper-inners at this house. I'm having trouble trying to organise myself...having trouble trying to do housework and write lists of what's left to be done....I can't do this when I'm continuously being interrupted by door-knockers....I can't do this when there are so many bodies in my way.

I think I've mentioned before, the boys and I are going to stay home on Christmas Day this year. My ex-husband is coming over at 8.30am to join in the sleepy christmas joy and have breakfast with us. It's my plan to make sure that everyone is involved in the cooking of breakfast...and the main meal of the day. Which incidentally I still have no idea what we're going to serve up. I've tried asking the kids what they'd prefer and that it's not allowed to be just anything we'd eat for dinner on any other day (besides, most of the takeaway outlets are closed on Christmas day hahaha).

It's hopeless trying to get answers out of them when they're dodging gunfire, racing cars and yelling at a virtual pooch to "go fetch". My two better make sure they ring their mates and tell them this house is out of bounds for the next 3 days.

And should these friends be stupid enough to turn up despite my orders...well...they better be prepared to dust, vacuum, clean windows and mop floors...and if not...then they better be wearing combat gear.

What's more...after Walker arrives (8 sleeps to go, whoop!)...no-one and I mean NO.ONE better be making any complaints about the noise in this house then!
Monday, December 19, 2005

Water Wings Anyone?

I don't have much to say today. Actually that's not true, I have lots to say, I just don't have much time to say it. Things are rushing along at a great rate of knots. I think I've completed my shopping....I think I may still have my head above water....and I think I'm mastering the art of BBQ cooking.

One thing I definitely know is I hate working with my newish snappy co-worker (I actually snapped back at her a couple of times myself this morning.) The fact that my new knickers were lodged up my bum all morning didn't help the situation...after speaking with a friend of mine, it seems that these knickers are supposed to do that. Who knew?! Obviously not me.

I don't need to vent about my co-worker here today because I came home and used Cameron for my sounding board. He was trying to play some car racing game called "Burn Out" on the playstation, and eventually realised I wasn't going to stop ranting, so paused the game and actually listened. So thanks to my oldest son, you are all spared.

Thanks to my boyfriend, you are all spared listening to the latest antics of my youngest son, Ryan. I certainly chewed out Walker's ear last night with all that.

And thanks to one of Cameron's friends, we finally have our christmas tree up. I've been asking Cam for days now to get our artificial tree out of the ceiling and he kept putting it off. He's the tallest in the house, has the longest arms...one of his many talents is his ability to reach things in high places. But...no go...apparently he was scared of being rained with spiders. His mate had no problem about that so he got up there and brought it down and here it is.


I have two sets of Christmas lights somewhere in my house...where they are unfortunately, is a mystery to me. You may have noticed there is no star at the top of it...I have no idea where that is now either lol.

Now that I'm relatively calm about my day (and my weekend)...I shall leave you with a joke. I'm not one for posting jokes usually, but I'm all outta energy and blog news, so this is it for now. It's sexist, but it did make me laugh...and at this time of year, there's nothing bad about laughter. Just remember, it's not the opinion of your blog author ok? I don't need any white powdered envelopes sent to me in the mail.

***

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs." I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oooooh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

***

Hope you're all keeping it together with the holiday season and swimming against the strong current of retailers who appear to be doing their best to drown us.

Merry Christmas Everyone!
Friday, December 16, 2005

I'm a Barbie Girl...In A Barbie World

I don't seem to be getting anywhere fast these days. The faster I try to move forward the more I appear to be running on the spot. I'm none too impressed with that I can tell you...I SO hate exercise of any kind.

As some of you are aware I've recently purchased a BBQ. "Betty" (thank you Fred) made her debut appearance last Saturday. One of my tenants was celebrating her birthday (she is so very pregnant at the moment), and Dad-to-be asked if I minded them having a BBQ that weekend. I told him once I got my one put together, they were more than welcome to use it (his father was going to drag his here for the event).

Saturday comes around and there was a group of people downstairs sitting around outside while Alan used my grill. In the meantime I was standing up here on the balconey watching what he was doing and how he was doing it. Kinda sneaky, but necessary under the circumstances.

I've never cooked on a BBQ before. Did you know that? Never had to do it, never tried it. I kept thinking, how hard can it be? I have gas hobs in my kitchen...it's gotta be the same principle.

Let's just say I was unprepared for the heat and the sudden flames shooting through the grid. This reminded me of when I was a child. Watching my Dad light our old coal BBQ. Being the impatient beast that he can be, he would splash tsunami proportions of sprinkle methylated spirits on the coals to get it all to happen that much faster.

*WOOOOOOOOOF!*

After one such spectacular incident, he went at least two weeks minus eyebrows...the flames reaching higher than our two storey house, removing eyelashes and any pilling from his clothing. I'm thinking maybe I should be using a welder's helmet while I'm cooking on it. But being a vain bitch I've decided to forget that idea....I refuse to deal with hat hair on top of everything else right now.

Here's a pic of Cameron playing cook (I always knew the sun shone out of him, now there's photographic evidence). I know it's from far away, but if he knew I was taking it, there's sure to have been a shoot out at the O.K. Corral.



And you're right, that IS a lamp post in the middle of my yard. Just ignore it, it's the least of my worries when it comes to my property lol.

I've used Betty three times this week. I figure the more I use her, the better I get, and the sooner I learn how she reacts in certain situtations and what food should be put where and when etc. The upside of this is I can cook and nothing in my kitchen gets filthed up. The downside is I have to traipse up and down the stairs to get to it. Can you hear the Benny Hill music as I'm going up and down the stairs from the kitchen to the BBQ?

Last night I was experiencing some horrendous stomach cramps. I lost count of the times I staggered back and forth to the toilet (there's that Benny Hill music again). Neither of the boys were having problems, so it appears I only gave myself food poisoning. This morning I still have a few slight cramps but nothing near the magnitude of last night....high temperatures, waves of cold sweat springing out of my pores...my teens running around playing nursie (more Benny Hill?), bringing me iced water and a bucket etc....they're such good wee laddies.

Not being one to give up....I'm going to use it again tonight. Practise makes perfect an' all that blah blah. A good friend of mine is coming over for the evening, and thanks to Walker's suggestion, I'm going to make hamburgers for dinner. I won't tell her about my tummy upset yesterday....it'll be our little secret.

Besides, she'll find out personally tomorrow morning lol.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005

This is where you put in the soap powder...

As we are all SO aware, it is THAT time of year.

The time of year when we have no money left...and that's only if we've managed to come up with some brilliant ideas for our loved ones christmas pressies.

It's also the time of year that we have to fight and push our way round the supermarket aisles to make sure our families are getting fed. I hate this bit. Do they really need food that badly??

God, how I hate this time of year in the supermarkets. I hate any time of year in the supermarket to be honest (except maybe at around 2am cos there's just about nobody there, it's brilliant...'cept I don't usually stay awake that long, pfft). Which is why I do my shopping online if I can.

Lately I've had to brave the supermarket aisles, because when shopping online I have to use my credit card. My credit card balance aint looking too grand at all...cha ching!..who woulda guessed?!

This morning on the radio (heh), they were talking about the unfortunate but practically guaranteed scenario of unruly children while out shopping. You know the ones. The 3 and 4 year olds in particular that throw tantrums cos they want something their parent has said "no" to. Or maybe they're just so damn tired as the year end is drawing closer...hell, I'm tired and cranky, I'm ready for a break...why wouldn't a toddler be the same?

There have been plenty of times that I would have loved to throw myself down on the ground, kicking and screaming. Sometimes I really do feel the aching need to run straight out into the traffic with someone yelling out behind me. I might really like to push a foreign object up my nose just for the hell of it one day (ok, another day, but that was a dare, I'd been drinking and I really didn't think it would get stuck up there alright??). And hey, what better way to celebrate the end of year, if not to run away and have half the city out knocking door to door trying to find you?

I ask you....why should the little people have the coolest fun huh?

When my kids were deep in the mess of toddler-hood, and if they tried a lark like that on me, most of the time I ignored them and walked away. Once their prime audience was gone, they'd get up and come to find me. I would punish them later when we got home...usually by removing something they loved for a short while. One time I actually picked up a broom off the stand and swept Cameron to the side of the aisle before walking off...I didn't want anyone running over him with their trolley lol.

Putting them in the washing machine with a few heavy bricks on the lid was a fantasy of mine I never did get to fulfill....ah well, maybe I'll get to play that one out with my grandchildren.

Back to the radio dudes....as they discussed the 'tantrum throwing children in public places' thing, they asked the public what they do if or when they came across such an atrocity. It was interesting to hear some of the responses from the public. One young lady in particular (she sounded all of 19) made my jaw hit the steering wheel....she said that the other day she had come across exactly that situation...a young boy was on the floor of the supermarket screaming his head off....his dad was standing by watching not doing anything (poor bugger was probably thinking "Is there any possible way I can get away with maiming my child and noone will notice?"). She eventually walked up to Dad and said....wait for it....

"Please remove that repulsive little beast".

I was astounded that anyone would go so far as to be that blatant. Ok, I'm pretty sure there's some of us that have thought this at some time...but to come straight out and say it?? She didn't even ask....she told him to do it. Hell, anyone that would've said such to me when my kids were younger, better be running in the opposite direction immediately afterwards. Apart from the humiliation of MY child doing such a thing...the fact that I would've been praying to have the ground open up and swallow me at that point, and omg the temptation if we were anywhere near sharp objects at the time....I sure as hell don't need someone putting their face in mine and saying anything like that to me.

I understand how annoying it is to try shopping with some screaming brat carrying on...some of those tantrums can go on for bloody ages non-stop...but how about having a heart for the harrassed parent? I know there are kids out there that are just plain mean through and through...let's face it...bet you all know of some child you wouldn't mind taking a big heavy stick to at the earliest opportunity right? Ok, maybe that's just me.

A few years ago I befriended a young mum with a wee crying baby in the supermarket...I offered to carry and rock her babe around the aisles so she could get her shopping done. Baby stopped crying, Mum stopped stressing that her baby was teething and wanted to be held...(we all know how much that gets to us...to hear our babies crying while we're stumbling over our feet trying to get something done in a hurry? "Distraction" should try that). Mum completed her task and I got to cuddle yet another baby while my kids took off with the list and finished our shopping (loved that bit in particular lol).

Parents of young children have enough to deal with at any time of year, let alone Christmas time. We don't need some snot-nosed childless know-it-all telling us how to raise our kids. And although that's not what she said, it's certainly implied that that father didn't know what he was doing and that he needed to step a few more rungs up the parenting ladder of life. Over the radio, she went on to say that she had a right to be in that supermarket and to be able to shop without that racket going on (or something to that affect). Why should she have to put up with that noise?

I guess that Dad didn't have the right to be there eh? I don't suppose his family needed to be fed right? You know what lady? Life is like that. If you want to go through it with rose-tinted glasses on, pretending that everything's always perfect and all children are amazing little people that never get tired and misbehave...move your arse outta the real world and go live in Stepford.

If not...then..Shut..Your..Face...because quite frankly, if you'd said that to me at that time of my life...I would've been more than happy to do it for you.

Oh, and by the way....I bought a new washing machine last year....l'd be honoured if you could find some time to pay it a visit. *wink*

***

Do you think my posts seem to be getting longer and longer? dunno, feels that way lately lol.

And heaven only knows what's going on with the guestmap....it's like it can only cope with so many tiny bodies on it at one time....soon as someone else pins it now, some other person disappears off it. The other day I disappeared from New Zealand....I've noticed there are others missing (Sudan, Dunedin, Japan etc). To begin with I thought maybe some of you had removed yourselves *sniff*...then when MY icon disappeared I thought someone had tried to knock me off *gasp*. Thought i'd mention this just in case you felt I was deleting you....because I'm certainly not doing that. By the way, love that Flipper came and pinned me! Woo hoo!
Saturday, December 10, 2005

Wait, Oh Yeah, Wait a Minute Mr Postman

Currently, my mailbox is overflowing with commercial flyers for anything and everything from nose-hair trimmers and foot-spas to 52" plasma screens and BMW convertibles. How much money do these companies think I've got? If they really knew, I'd only be getting flyers for empty shoe boxes and toothpicks.

I went into the post office yesterday. I placed my packages on the counter and waited while the lady behind the counter weighed the first one.

PO: Would you like to send this express or economy?
Me: "Could you please give me the differences in cost?"
PO: "For this one - $48 express, $41 economy"
Me: *colour draining from face* "Uh.."
PO: "Lady, are you ok?"

*thud*

PO: *gasp* "SOMEONE CALL THE PARAMEDICS!!!"

Nah, just foolin' with ya...was only my hair that hit the floor. Yep, I'm bald now...saves me having to pay to dye my roots again...cool. I am SO getting to grips with this empty-pocket-syndrome thingy.

But...for the price of overseas postage, that mailman better turn up on that doorstep, do an elaborate tapdance in gold-plated shoes and hand that box over with a dramatic flourish.

Then I'm told I have to put a declaration sticker on the outside of each one. I ask you...what's the fun in that?? These were gifts....now I gotta write on the outside what's in there?? I look at her..."Can I just write "stuff" on them?".

She said I could but if Customs don't know what's in there, they'll open it.

So, I stand there, with a long line of harrassed looking customers behind me. I was desperately trying to think of 'pretend' declaration fodder. Stuff that would sound legit but wouldn't ruin any surprise. With that many people waiting behind me, I caved under the pressure.

At this point in time I really wished I'd written "my panties" on the one for the only male recipient. Damn I wish I'd thought of that at the time....make him choke on his coffee for sure. Hahaha, just kidding, there'll be no choking on account of me.

Anyway, after some heart palpitations, sweat beading on my forehead, and writing in a hurry amid the impatient grunts of those behind me....they're finally on there way. Just a little something from the people here in the Internet Lovers household. Actually thinking back now, there's probably a couple of things that may need explaining. I just expected you to know why I sent you what I did...by the time you get them, I may have even forgotten myself lol.

I'm not sure they'll get there before Xmas...apparently last Monday was the final day for posting overseas in time for Xmas, but stranger things have happened, and besides the cost, New Zealand Post has a fairly good reputation. Doesn't matter if they don't make it in time, long as they make it I reckon.

So....if you don't receive a parcel from me in the next 6 months, there's a strong possibility I didn't send you one lol. If your initials are....FF, JL, KP, KF or SS...and you don't receive anything from New Zealand in the next few weeks, email me. I'll launch a campaign against the post office....right after I've closed the door on the one I'm launching against the Pill-Pushing Poophead people.

Pressies, postage, pills and parliament....no wonder I feel like I'm stuttering of late.

*****

Update: I meant to add this earlier and forgot in the my rush to get out the door, so now you have to put up with an update. lol

Anyway, what I was going to bring to your attention was....my guest map. I know plenty of you have pinned it but there is a whole lotta countries that don't appear to have any blog population at all (shock! horror!).

SO, in keeping with the postal theme (you know, parcels travelling across the world kinda thing)....even if you're already on my map...how about pinning it again with somewhere you'd like to travel to? Or perhaps just pinning it in a country that's looking a bit empty? And if you haven't pinned it at all yet...I would love it if you did so now!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Take a pill and chill out...or not

A couple of weekends ago, I dropped into the local dairy (store), and noticed the other dairy on the corner had a couple of posters up advertising A-Class Party Products and Red Hearts Party Pills.

Now, a couple of months ago, my older sister had been spouting on about a dairy up her way that was selling herbal pills....pills with all natural ingredients that actually give you an energy boost etc. She wasn't impressed and had told the owner of the store just as much. She'd brought this up when I started discussing about alcohol and my teenagers and when is the right time blah blah (way back in a post down there somewhere). I was appalled by what she told me, but didn't have enough information, and she couldn't remember the name of them.

The advertising I saw that weekend had to be what she was going on about. I went into that store and enquired about the pills he was selling. He immediately gave me a small glossy handout. And you know what? He was bloody ready for me. He was prepared to be handing out that information to show how 'legal' he was....he wasn't breaking any rules...I mean, "Lookie lady, here's the paper to prove it."

There are 8 different pills altogether, and the handout describes the experience you should have when you take them. There's even a new addition coming out shortly called "Puff"...I don't know if it's a tablet or a smoke, but the experience you get from it is described as: "Puff releases the body and mind with relaxed drifts of euphoria. Perfect for those who like the smoking experience; have a cruise and a laugh."

How about this one? It's called "Ice Diamonds". "Hit the clubs with a sparkle in your eye. A strong power packed pill that gives you a clean long lasting dose of pure energy. Ice Diamonds are the most intense and smooth energy pill available today. Experience: 6-8 hours of intense physical and mental ability. A real alternative to P or methamphetamine use."

Oh but hang on, there's an age rating on these. You can't purchase them if you're under 18. Whoopty do to that. What's going to stop younger kids getting their older friends to buy these pills for them? Nothing that's what. What's more...what's to stop some enterprising 18 year old from buying as many of these as they can, and selling the pills seperately for a profit?

But...wait....everything on this brochure shows that these tablets are all natural right? These can't be harmful. What a load of bullshit. Marijuana is natural, and here is New Zealand it's not legal....magic mushrooms are all natural, and they sure as hell aren't legal. I read that handout from front to back, including all the fine print of course. They have an ingredient in them called benzylpiperazine... otherwise known as BZP. My next shift at work had me questioning the doctors and their thoughts on this. I asked 4 doctors seperately. Each time they got to the "BZP" part they came out with "Oooooh, BZP". BZP is an ingredient in Ecstasy. And yeah, we all know that shit is illegal right? But apparently BZP is not. Some fucked up entrepreneur has discovered that BZP is not illegal here (yet) and regardless of how these pills can and will affect us, that's all the loop hole they need to be putting them out there on the market and into the hands of our babies.

The store in question is situated less than a kilometre down the road from the college....it's part of a small mall that the students hang out at before and after school. There's no way that these pills aren't gonna be noticed. This weekend just past I was at the softball club on Saturday night....I brought up the issue with a well known teacher from the Intermediate. She'd never heard of them and asked to see the handout. She called her husband over, both of them were horrified to read it's contents. As we were discussing it, a young lady told us that she'd heard a 22 year old male had died after having a heart attack in a club in town. Apparently he had a slight heart defect that never showed up til then.

There are kids at that college that I know are going to want to try these things. What a perfect way to make money. What a perfect location. Right down the road is at least 1000 people going through various stages of their teenage years. The confusion and insecurities of many to be preyed upon.

I went into the website mentioned on the handout. First thing I saw is a photograph of a prison shower block with the words "Because jail sux". Oh of course. That's a positive message to give out. Jail certainly does suck....but guess what? you can now have some fun, spin out, have your little buzz, and still remain on the outside. How cool is that?? You've gotta be kidding me?? Fuck off Noddy.

The instructions are specific. Don't over exceed the recommended dose. Don't drink lots of alcohol. Drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration. Start off slowly...take one pill and eventually work your way up to the recommended dose (usually 4). Surely that shows the addictive quality these can have. And what's to stop patrons from mixing these tablets. A couple from this pot to keep me dancing all night, a couple from that pot to help me wind down. Oh and how about one of these just in case I can't get it up if I score? Yeah, they also have a tablet called "Crakaphat". "Experience: By increasing blood flow to the male sexual organs to deliver a strong, long erection while increasing sensitivity to the region maximizing sexual pleasure. Safe to use for both males and females." No thanks, I'm plenty phat all by myself.

I came home from the dairy that afternoon....called the boys out to the lounge and was so wound up, flew into some kind of ranting lecture about the dairy owner and how harmful these pills could actually be. Especially in the hands of the inexperienced. Both my kids had that pained expression on their faces. The one they show when I'm about to get a lecture myself from either one of them for not trusting their judgement. They were both rather offended that I would think they'd try taking them. Ok, this is a good sign....and yes I do trust them....but, I'm not so stupid to think my kids wouldn't be just a little bit curious about how these could affect them. Hell, I'm curious as hell myself. I'd be tempted to try one of them out to see what happened . But I won't because I'm terrified my heart will give out or something crazy like that. Later, as I lay in hospital, oxygen mask planted firmly on my face...what would I say to them "See? I told you didn't I? Let that be a lesson to you"???

These pills have been banned in the US, Canada, England and Australia to name a few countries....why the hell are they here in New Zealand?? New Zealand, who has a reputation for upsetting the ANZUS agreement between the States and Australia, many years ago for refusing to have nuclear warships anywhere near our green shores. One of the biggest political catastrophes I can recall us Kiwis experiencing was when that french couple bombed our Greenpeace vessel (Rainbow Warrior). And now, our government has allowed these mind altering shit-faced tablets into the country and they're not illegal?? What the hell's up with that Madam Prime Minister??

Fuck me....how stupid am I? I thought my country cared more about it's kids.

I could well be overreacting about this...I've been meaning to blog about it since I first laid eyes on them. Each time I've sat down to write something I get so worked up I want to smash the keyboard. This morning isn't any different. I'd like to go back to the store owner and yell at him "You should be ashamed of yourself!"....right before I land him one between the eyes for putting something THAT potentially dangerous on my children's doorstep.

***

While I wrote this post this morning I received a wonderful comment from an anonymous reader.

"=) (=)) wrote the following:
hEY, dunno wat prompted me but i have been visitin ur blog quite
often and i love it. My mother is of ur age and i am 19, and lemme
tell ya...ur the kewlest mother i have eva seen, my mother is gr8 and
we share a gr8 relship. Ur sooooooo cooooollllll."


What a lovely thing to say, thank you so much. I really appreciated you saying that. If I'm right, I'd say that you have been the one I've seen in my stats reading just about anything and everything I've written. I saw you yesterday and wondered who on earth would take such an interest...yet I was warmly buzzed at the fact you did.

See that people? We really can get that buzzy high without some crappy BZP additive! Yeah ok, I already banged on about that. Nuff said.
Saturday, December 03, 2005

I Don't Want Another Orgasm

Last week I watched a documentary (20/20) regarding Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) and how it has affected the lives of some women. It's been proven that women from the age of 19 right up to 80 years can be affected by PSAS.

This condition means that a woman is almost in a constant state of sexual arousal. There is a consistant throbbing down in the trenches...and it can't be relieved without orgasm. I found the whole programme extremely interesting in some ways, yet alarming in others. There aren't a high percentage of women in the world that have this condition, and although there could be some men out there that might feel dismayed at that thought....after watching this doco I will confess I don't feel like I've missed out by not being one.

To give you some idea of how it would feel for a man...it would be like having a constant full on erection...ejaculating and then a few minutes later...well, you guessed it, full on erection again.....for 24 hours...7 days a week. As wonderful as that may sound to me in my predicament, I'm sure it's not so comfy for the male population.

Two of the women they interviewed had become compulsive housekeepers. They had to keep moving...polishing, rubbing, dusting etc..keeping their hands busy I guess. They'd come to realise it was the only way that would help them stop being so aware of their loins aching in such a way. One in particular said she could have an orgasm every 30 seconds and that could continue on for anything between 4-8 hours. They all agreed that orgasms had become a task, a huge disruption to their lives and anything could spark it off. Those interviewed had been coping with PSAS for at least 8 years.

One hated her washing machine (yeah, I have that kinda relationship with mine too). The only time she could cope with it at all was while she was loading it with dirty clothes and soap powder (eh? isn't that the only time you really have to cope with it anyway?). If it was going through it's spin cycle, she couldn't even look at it. If she so much as put her hand on it, it would set off the pulsing and throbbing down below and she could never be sure how long that could last for.

The 'washing machine' lady had a happy and healthy sex life. Her husband did however have a tired, washed out look about him. He said it was like a double edged sword...turned out she was the one doing most of the chasing around the kitchen table, trying to grab him. This couple had a good sense of humour about it and although they admitted there were times it would cause problems, they seemed to manage to keep it in check.

One of the other women wasn't so lucky. Her husband was sleeping in a seperate room. If she actually was 'lucky' enough not to feel that throbbing, the last thing she wanted was for him to be doing anything that might have it return. Thus he slept in a different room, shared with their 8 year old son. Mum would masturbate if and when she needed the relief, and Dad was screwed basically because he can't be seen to be doing that in front of his kid. I'm not sure why Mum couldn't just go shake Dad awake when the need arose and get him to join her in the other room. At least that way, they'd both enjoy being close with a satisfying end result.

Near the end of the programme, one of them decided to try out something different in the hope it would help. It was like accupuncture, but instead of needles being used, she was hooked up to a small machine that had electric shock pulses shooting out the end of a wand. (I will admit at this stage I wondered how on earth adding electric pulses to the mix was going to do anything other than compound the vibrations her body was already feeling.) The therapist placed the little wand on various pressure points (feet, hands, knees etc) and judging by the squeals and facial expressions, it was no easy thing to endure!

But it did help. She didn't feel the throbbing by the end of the session (lucky she wasn't bloody dead, if you ask me). She stood up and walked around...no throbbing...her adult son came into the room and Mum cried on him as he hugged her. She kept looking at the clock to see how long she'd been throb-free. 12 minutes and counting. And she stayed that way...for just over 48 hours...when the throbbing started to build back up again. Although she was disappointed to have it return, to say she was more than relieved to find a way to stop it temporarily, would've been a gross understatement.

I felt almost uncomfortable watching this programme. The thought of actually having an orgasm made me squirm, and not in the usual sense either. Having orgasms should be a pleasurable, thrilling experience...they make you breathless, your whole body becomes warmly 'buzzed', drained and satisfied. That's the way it is for me...I love having orgasms. But...the thought of having my loins aching on such a regular basis....my heart rate doubling, blood pressure rising....and my body exploding in such a way, every 30 seconds for hours on end??! That would take the silver lining off the cloud for me. It'd be like diamonds don't you think? If they weren't so hard to come by (haha), they'd be a dime a dozen. And what's so special about that? Not a lot, that's what.

Nah, I don't think I'd like that much at all. When would I have time to bark orders at my kids??

How about you? Can you see any merits in having this condition? Would you like to be experiencing that many orgasms each and every day? And menfolk...how would you feel if your partner had this 'problem'?
Friday, December 02, 2005

I can seeeee youuuuuuu...



Yeah ok, I can't... but you can see me now can't you? Which means I really am still here despite what you may think.
(And yes I do know how scary and stiff-like I'm looking in this shot, so feel free to say so.)

Anyhoo, here's what's up with me...an update of anything or everything I can think of at this time.

BBQ:

"Hi, are you busy at the moment?" *grinning to show all my teeth*
*one eyebrow raised* "Does this have anything to do with a BBQ?"
"Well, yeah"
"In that case, I'm very busy"

Pah.

He eventually came out of his bedroom and helped me. He's a good boy like that. So, the barbeque is home and hosed. In other words it's together. We put it together last weekend and it took us just over 2 hours. Ok, there was a fair amount of grunting and complaining, especially as I tried to line up screw holes on a leg and a little side flip thing, against the centre of the bbq. At one stage we needed Ryan as well, and all three of us were holding legs, wheels or the wrench. And guess what?! No extra bits or pieces left over at the end of it! Woo hoo!

Stalker-like Co-worker: I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear I've backed off a little from this lady. And as such she's not been so 'in my face' about everything. I find her extremely intense, she's quite rigid when it comes to her shift, and that does cause some problems during the Monday morning shifts. You can't be rigid during this shift in particular....flexibility is the key to getting all that's required complete. She gets this look on her face that gives me the creeps, and I'm not the only one that feels that way. It's like a "make me do that and I'm going to injure you in some way" kinda look. *shudder*
Ah well, still early days yet. For the time being, she won't be getting her foot back in my door again.

Xmas presents: My ex-husband and I had decided we could manage to get together enough for the electric guitar that Ryan's been wanting all year. We ordered it online from a music store in Auckland and it's only $320 new. It's a pretty good guitar for a first attempt really, and it will be enough for what he needs right now. The total cost will be $390, which includes a soft case, a stand and (*sigh*) an amp. This is what it looks like.

Ryan will be studying music for his NCEA Level 1 exams next year (lord, like I haven't felt under enough stress with Cameron sitting his Level 1's this year lol). I made the mistake of saying to Cam the other night "Geez, I think I'm more stressed out about these exams than you are" Uh...bad move Mum. Anyway, I managed to do some fast talking and hugging to get myself out of that verbal slip. Anyway, we figure this new guitar (he already has an acoustic one) will help.

Cameron has asked for a DVD burner for his PC for Xmas. This has now been ordered and should arrive shortly. My ex is in the computer industry and has ordered this directly from the importer. I'd still like to find something that he doesn't know about as well...I mean, something that he'll enjoy and will actually surprise him. It's so difficult to surprise him these days.

The DVD player that was a bonus with the new television arrived last Saturday. I'm embarrassed to admit we only have one DVD in the house (besides the zillion Japanese ones that Cameron has)...and that one DVD is? Westlife in concert. Yes I know, I know...it came in a music CD that I bought a couple of years ago. Yeah, I bought a Westlife CD...anyone wanna make something of it??

Cameron and I went grocery shopping this afternoon....we also bought the 9kg gas bottle to go with the BBQ.

Whilst wandering down one aisle:

"Hey, let's get some plum sauce to go with the spanakopitas that Walker's going to make when he's here"
"Um..., I'm not so sure I'm going to be comfortable eating anything with THAT many syllables."

Walker's Arrival: 26 sleeps to go. Whoop!

I've still been getting around reading you as often as I can, I obviously don't always comment, but I have been reading...so yeah...I can see you afterall!