Because I can ...

I no longer need to make any decisions about Canada and England. England has taken himself out of the picture. I received an email from him this morning saying that it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Fair enough, how could I dispute that? It wasn’t working for me anymore either. That much is obvious from my talking with Canada again, not to mention the phone call the other night. I’m not sure how I feel about this right now…not that I have the chance to try making it work of course, but I do know that relief is part of the way I’m feeling. It saves me from having to do it to him. When I think back over the past 5 years, we had a lot of good times in amongst some not very good ones and those are the times that are making me feel weepy today. I am, however wondering why I'm not feeling more upset about it. I was devastated when I said goodbye to Canada last year. Why is life so complicated?? *sigh* I have spoken to Canada about this already. We talked about it on yaho

There are a small core of people that read my blog most days that have been getting interviewed by each other and as such I decided to get on the band wagon and get interview myself. Here are Cesca's questions and the best answers I could think of at this hour of the morning. 1. Have you ever met anyone famous? Last September going through LA Airport I met Eric Estrada (minus motorbike and uniform)in fact, he was wearing a dark purple velour jogging suit (eek), was heaps shorter than I expected, but didn't look like he'd aged a day since "CHIPS". He called me Darling, we talked about New Zealand and he signed my autograph book after asking my name, but then never writing it in the book. Guess he was so blinded by my brilliant conversation that he forgot it. Oh, and the following month at Wellington Airport I met Ben Lummus, New Zealand's Idol (I made 13 break the ice here by shoving him forward to go and shake the man's hand and then I sidled up and met h

Each summer season my softball team runs a weekly raffle in the clubrooms, only one prize, that being alcohol. If you won, you went home with a 40oz bottle each of bourbon, gin, vodka, whiskey and rum; 2 dozen bottles of beer, a 3 litre cask of medium white wine, a bottle of red wine and 750ml bottle of irish creme. The winning ticket of this raffle wass based on the bonus number that came up each week on the lottery. That also means there were only 40 tickets sold each week and at $10 a ticket, that was a pretty good profit. We fundraise this way each year and this money goes into a team pool that gets us north for what they call the "Fun in The Sun" softball tournament, which is held at the end of the softball season and a great way to finish the season with at least 40 different teams (male, female and mixed teams) from around the North Island socialising. It's basically a get together to see the season out and usually filled with alot of drinking, barely any sleeping

15 and I went to see the doctor this morning for various reasons. Years ago, when the boys were toddlers they'd go running into the doctor's office and leap at him and he'd throw them into the air, make lots of noise, shake them up etc, have fun with them (that's depending on what was wrong with them of course, he wasn't shaking and throwing about children that could possibly vomit all over him). Today, I sat back and watched him prodding and poking at 15's stomach, (15 was lying on the bed his feet almost dangling off the edge) and 15 was having a mature articulate conversation about Japan with him. It made me feel proud of how my son had grown into such a mature young man....but old when I thought back to the high pitched squeals and laughter my toddlers had shared with this man whom they both trusted so much. The only thing that hadn't changed was the way 15's facial features contort when confronted with the fact he's about to have blood tests. I&

Ex hubby came up to fix the lightbult behind my computer. Hey presto...man's a genius...it's working again. Once he showed me what the problem was I could've done it myself, but it was certainly easier having him do it instead. Anyway...he stopped and had a quick cuppa before going back to work and he was joking around about fixing the lightbulb and said "that must be another blowjob you owe me" ...I told him to add it to the list (he fixed my car remote last week AND 13's doorknob that I didn't have the grip in my hands to do (don't ask))...not sure why he's been so willing and helpful lately, but he wasn't so readily available and happy to help until after our divorce..which was only final last August). Then he dropped the next statement "you mentioned something about a blowjob last week when I was here, were you serious?"... "No, YOU mentioned it and I said something about getting naked and you were shit out of luck, but not t

Spoke to 13 about having more tissues in his room today. He was playing the playstation in the lounge and I was sitting here at the PC, so all seemed per normal to him. I feel sometimes there are certain matters that can be discussed in a nonchalant way than can come across as being 'no big deal' but they carry their own amount of weight behind them regardless of conversation attitude. This is how I chose to handle it today. "Could I have a quick word with you about something please?" *pauses playstation game* "sure" "It's a very personal matter" He looks at me through slitted eyes, a scowl distorting his features. I take a deep breath. "Do you need me to buy you more tissues for your bedroom?" It worked before, why change the method if it's not broken? "No, I think I'm good for that thanks" "Well, it's just that I think it may be handy for you to have them anyway just in case, because you never know whe

Years ago when my oldest son was 9, he came to me and asked me about how babies were made. Now, we’d had this chat before, as some of you would know , they’re well curious about this before they turn 9. But lately he’d been discussing some of the ins and outs of this baby stuff with his friends at school and there were various different ‘stories’ as to how and why babies came about. Not wanting him to be given false information, I sat him on my bed, and went into detail a little more for him. I’ve always been open about such matters with my boys…given direct answers to direct questions…seemed pointless calling a penis a willy or peepee or whatever other names for it…it’s a damn penis…why call it anything else? Somehow, the conversation got around to birth control (probably more detail than he needed really, but he was asking questions, so I launched fully into just about everything)…I discussed condoms with him. He was concerned that wearing something like that may hurt the girl…next t

My motto in life has pretty much been "how hard can it be?". This usually comes out of my mouth when I'm faced with a challenge I've not dealt with before...something I'm not sure I have the confidence to do...or something I'm shit scared of attempting. I read this motto today, and although it's a lot more difficult to memorise, and you can't just throw it out there in one breath, I loved it anyway. "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!" Isn't that fantastic??! The other saying that we have in this household is when either myself or the children are going away for some time (could be a couple of days, a week, a month, you get the picture). I've said this to the boys since they were at least

Ok, so now that I've managed to figure out (ok, I didn't, 15 did) how to do the links thing on my template...I did one link on it and left it to update my settings...went back to the kitchen to continue making the hummus I'm taking to the BBQ this afternoon....came back to the PC to find that it was still at the same 'updating' stage as it was when I left it. Now I know what you're talking about H&B when you're referring to things taking forever on here....should my link thingy turn up while I'm absent, youwill be chuffed to think that you are the only blog I read on a daily basis lol. Actually I don't believe it worked. I'll have another go later when I've time. Incidentally, it took me AGES to fit the lid on the food processor today, I couldn't fathom why....then I realised, the last time I used it, I put it through the dish washer and the rim about the bowl has melted/buckled a little. I finally thumped the lid into place, clic

The bride-to-be rang me at 7.15 this morning. This was to tell me that Miss 10 month old is now finally crawling and that her second tooth has come through. I said to her “You gave me a hell of a scare ringing at this time, I thought something was wrong”...she apologised and said that she knew I didn’t mind being woken up. This takes me back to the days when she was dating one complete and utter idiot who treated her so badly I used to get calls at 3 or 5am. One time I almost had a heart attack as she was trying to silently climb into bed beside me at 4 in the morning. She split up with a man a couple of months after I split up with my husband, so she came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. At the time we were sleeping on one of those old fold-out two seater foam couch things. (My ex husband took the bed with him). The kids and I enjoyed having her company, apart from the fact that she just about asphyxiated us all each morning with the amount of hair spray she was using. S

Here’s a feeling I would rather not repeat. On the day we flew back from Powell River to Vancouver City (my best friend, Canada and I) I ended up in the emergency room at Powell River Hospital at 6am. Apparently the medical term for it was peri-anal thrombosis (yes, yes, I did say anal). The doctor turned up 2 hours later after having a sleep and once I explained to him I had a painful case of haemmerroids he says “Unfortunately, you are going to have to show me” I replied, “Yes, I know, I hope you haven’t had your breakfast yet”. My best friend, in the meantime is waking up back at the house, finds out I’ve been taken to the hospital and immediately reacts “OMG, what did he do to her??!” Let me just state for the record, Canada did not do anything to me that caused this problem). Anyway, the doctor injected it with an anaesthetic, cut it open, removed the blood clot and I had instant relief, I could’ve kissed him! I bounded out the room and said to Canada “Hey, look at me, wal

On the car radio this morning, the DJs were talking about various subjects, as they do…and Polly (DJ no.1) brought up something that made me start thinking. She said that she’d read somewhere about what a couple of people had said were their ‘moments’ in life. They were asked if there was any particular moment in life that they remembered that they’d like to play over again. One was a New Zealand Olympian who’d won a gold medal. She said there has been nothing akin to the feeling she had when she was standing on the podium and hearing NZ’s national anthem being played. The euphoria and pride she felt was indescribable and that is the feeling she’d want to play over again. It was amazing. The other mentioned, was a man who said that if he had had an affair, and left his long-time partner for this new woman. He said that if he could play that over again, he would change it. The depth of the love he’d shared with his ex partner was something he’s never felt again. It happened 10 ye

Interesting turn of events today. I spoke to Canada on voice chat…after a whole lot of urging from my best friend…for some reason she’s gone in to bat very strongly for him, even despite what he’d threatened to do with all the information he has about her. He seems to have settled quite a bit, and last night he approached her and talked to her about the latest nickname he’d seen me in. God only knows how he knew it was me…she was the only person who knew it, and she certainly didn’t tell him. He wanted to let me know that I could use my old nic...that it was wrong of him to expect me to close myself off from my friends on that site and that he’d prefer I didn’t use any other nickname but my usual old one. Very confusing. Anyway, the bottom line is, we talked...and we talked for a long time...we talked through a lot of what had happened, a lot of what he’d threatened, how he’d scared me with his change of attitude about everything and so on. This is very confusing to me. I think b

I wish I could figure out how to do links on my blog. Then I could at least have a links list and kinda link the rest of you to me...the thought of that is sorta warm and fuzzy in some way. I could also link you to some of my old posts, which would help you understand some of the stuff that I actually talk about. I've tried using the link icon on this posting thing but for some reason it won't work. I probably need to ask 15 how to do this and he'll do it in 2 seconds flat. I do like to try working these things out for myself though. Right now, I feel so knackered that I can't be bothered stuffing around with it and am weakening....leaning towards my teenage son's bedroom door to drag him out of that dark dungeon to help his hopeless mother. One way or t'other, I'll get it sorted. The rest of you seem to be able to do it, so why the hell can't I??! My motto: "How hard can it be?" Well, bloody hell, this appears to be proving a tough one,

Phone rings..."hello"....*click* 10 minutes later, phone rings..."hello"... "hi, it's James here, and I know I'm not supposed to call you but I wanted to catch up and see how you've been and if you'd allow me to call you on your cellphone sometime" Unbelievable. "No James, please don't start this again, don't ring me again" *click* 10 minutes later...phone rings..."hello"...." it's me again - ok, point taken, I won't ring you again, I just like to call you once a year to see if you've changed your mind, but I won't call again" "Thank you James" "Anyway, how have you been?" "I'm hanging up now James, goodbye!" *clunk* This was the young chap I spoke about in an earlier post ("Another blast from the past..."). I can't believe he rang...especially just after H&B was talking about bad dates. Well, it seems my bad date is still happening..

Being a Kiwi woman, we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day over here. Well, we do kinda, but not to the same extent that the Americans do. Our retailers celebrate Valentine’s Day, by throwing up big posters “Show how much you love her/him” kinda thing. Costs an arm and a leg for one rose of course. I like the idea of celebrating love. But I prefer to celebrate it every day, not just show it or prove it on one particular day of the year. At the start of my road of dilemma between England and Canada, I had a problem when it came to sex. I mean, the ‘alone’ sex stuff. Trying to shut one out while I thought about the other (when the one I was trying to shut out, was the last one to make me feel so good by touching me in that way). It was damn near impossible for me to get any release at all (and let’s face it, noone wants to spend a couple of hours getting there by themselves right?). It’s a sad world when a girl can’t even rely on her own fantasies to get her over the edge. I

I got sent this in an email today, and regardless of the fact that I'm not American, it made me feel weepy anyway. Besides, New Zealand do have their own men and women of the forces in amongst the rest of them over there. http://www.clermontyellow.accountsupport.com/flash/UntilThen.swf Such beautiful photography

News on England this week; his doctor believes he has an ulcer due to stress. He's been dealing with all manner of things lately, and although I didn't give it to him, what I did sure hasn't helped the situation has it? So, instead of chatting to him online last night as scheduled, we had a conversation via text about him needing time to recover and that he couldn't deal with any more stress right now...he needed to sort his shit out, repair said ulcer etc. He played his last gig for a while last night. He is now officially taking a sabbitical from everything and everyone, including me. To be honest, I could do with the time out from the stress of our conversations myself. Years ago, my ex husband had an ulcer, and he was a right bastard to deal with until he went and got some medical attention. He was difficult to live with, everything was a huge issue for him, every little thing became a mountain and the kids and I just plodded through those days with our heads

I feel like a big fat blob today. I want to hoe into a large bag of sour cream and chives chips (crisps) and open the 2 litre bottle of irish creme I've had in the bottom of the fridge since Christmas. For now, I'll just continue to drink from my water bottle, which in turn will continue to have me getting up in the middle of the night to pee it out. The boys are at their Dad's for the weekend again so I don't have them to keep me entertained for the moment. Besides, they're no longer happy to dance and sing in front of me anymore. Those little concerts when they were younger were quite comical really. Life feels like a bitch today.

One particular telephone conversation I had with my children sticks in my memory from while I was away. God, how I missed them. 13 told me “I don’t mean to be horrible or anything mum, but I don’t miss you at all, things are going really well”. (Guess he wasn’t interested in me bringing him home any presents from overseas) When I spoke to 15, his voice was thick with emotion, he missed me and hearing him say that made my heart ache and want to leap down the phone, hold him close and tell him everything’s going to be alright. I had received an email from him the day before, he was venting about school and what was happening at home…he ended it with “You better be having a good time over there or I’m going to hospitalise myself with a non-stick fry pan”. Hence the phone call. I knew they would be alright without me. They’re sensible young men, with a sound knowledge of right and wrong, and I’d left them in the capable hands of their father. Saying that, I had a fear I may retu

I’ll continue on the Vegas track seeing as there’s a few that sound like they’d be happy to hear more. Just to give you quick background here. My girlfriend and I went overseas to meet up with several people we’d been talking with online...all met over a backgammon board. A group of 7 of us met in Vegas. 6 of us stayed for the 4 days, one lovely man flew in from Phoenix the same day we arrived from New Zealand, and had to fly back out the following day due to work commitments. *** I think I finally got the timing right for my body. We went down to old Vegas to have a look around. It’s just like on the tv!! At least three long blocks of casinos on both sides and a canopy of something that looks like mesh waaay above it all. All along the middle of these blocks are kiosks selling various wares of t-shirts and handbags and jewellery etc. There was just so much to look at and buy and I felt like I needed several pairs of eyes to see everything. Penny was slightly (ok, maj

Before I arrived in Canada last October, I stopped off in Vegas for 4 days first. My best friend has always wanted to go to Vegas, so we went. I found it a loud, bright city that never goes to sleep but it was fun, and quite the experience. First time I’ve ever had a go at craps and oh my god ... I had an amazing roll of luck. I continued to throw 7’s to the point where strangers were calling me “baby” and applauding! I threw the dice so many times I could feel my right bicep growing and I was working up a sweat. (I only hit my friend twice with them bouncing off the table...serves her right for standing at the opposite end of the table I reckon). The dealer continued to place the dice in front of me, just out of reach until I finally realised that each time I picked up the dice I was leaning forward just the right amount for him. One ‘look’ at him was enough to have him start placing them in the right position for me, not for him. My girlfriend spent that evening standin

I was thinking the other day, with all this sun and heat we've been having recently, it could be time to purchase a barbeque. I did have one...but it went with my husband...so we have been a barbequeless house for the past 6 years or so now. I spoke to 15 about it. He said "what do we need one of them for?" "because you need to learn to cook on one...you're male, and all males should know how to cook a good steak on a bbq" He rolled his eyes and then brought up the fact that we were supposed to be cutting financial corners, or so he thought, and this was a silly idea. He has a point. The bbq can wait til next summer...after my trip. When I got home from work last night, I found that 13 had diligently put away the groceries when they'd arrived. This was great..I love the fact that I don't even have to go to the supermarket to get them...him putting them away was the icing on the cake. But..the kitchen floor was surprisingly shiny. He'd

I received a parcel in the post from Canada yesterday. It's my late Christmas present that he'd ordered which hadn't turned up in time. I knew he was going to send it, because if nothing else, he is a man of his word. For those that want to know, it's a New York Yankees baseball shirt. Something I've always wanted actually. Now that I've got one, I'm not sure what to do with it. It was accompanied by my Lancome face cleanser, which I left on the side of the bath during my stay. I'm feeling a bit odd about all this today. I've been seeing a side of Canada I've never seen before, it's kinda scary. Bella asked me if England is aware of all this post-Canada stuff. Well, no, I've chosen not to tell him. When it first happened I mentioned some of what was going on, and England was eager to get on the wagon and do something about it...he has a 6'6", 300+ pound friend who lives in the same province...thought perhaps he c

Years ago, when I was a normal woman and didn't have two men from different countries fighting for and against her, I had a 4 month fling with a fellow softballer. He was hard work...had difficulty communicating really...but I refused to give up because I'm that kinda girl and if it falls to pieces then I did all I could. Savvy? So, eventually, it came to an end. In fact, he dumped me via email, boo. But that's ok, cos I wasn't heartbroken or devastated or the like..it was more a sigh of relief that I didn't have to keep going with something that really wasn't working. One day, I receive a letter in the post from the finance company that takes care of my local gym...they say I owe them $50 for whatever reason, so I ring to sort out the problem and leave a message on their answerphone giving my full name and saying I'll be in on Wednesday to settle the account. Then, I ring my best mate and have a conversation with her, we talked about the mess

I was reading through the abovenamed book the other day...came across something I thought was so sweet I wanted to share it with you all. No doubt some of you would have seen this but hey, it doesn't hurt to read it again. "So you think I'm courageous?" she asked. "Yes, I do." "Perhaps I am. But that's because I've had some inspiring teachers. I'll tell you about one of them. Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Standford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, '

Canada and England seem to be in sync with each other. If this situation wasn’t such a mess, that would be amusing. The drama with Canada continued. He said he was now going to take out an advert in my local paper and run full names and go into detail of the situation, including involving two of my good friends. One of which was not faithful to her partner while we were away. I expect that’s all talk. I’m not sure any paper will be publishing anything that could bring a character defamation suit against them. Ok, maybe the Enquirer, but that’s not my local paper, so no problem there. My chat with England started almost straight away with the news that he’d recently heard from an old flame of his, she lives in Greece but would be staying in London for a few months, maybe longer, on business. She wanted to see him. It was an uncomfortable chat for me...I felt numb with disbelief...I wasn’t sure how to react to that. What could I say? I could hardly complain and throw a

I'm wearing a dress today. This is a pretty amazing fete for me, cos I never wear dresses. Last time I wore a dress it was my wedding day, 16 years ago (ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it's been a long time). But today, I am wearing a thin indian cotton button up the front ensemble, colour being red...because it's sooo friggin hot! To be honest, I'd rather be naked and not wear anything right now, but even being naked would not cool me down in this temperature. I think I need to reassess my drinking water regime....last night I had to get up 5 times during the night to pee. 5 TIMES! That's more broken sleep than I care to have, and makes a very nasty me to be dealing with the next day. I've already drunk at least 3 litres of the damn stuff today and perhaps I should stop now. But..but...but... I might dehydrate in this heat! *sigh* I just played in my first backgammon tournament since last weekend. My best friend hosted the tourny an

I've got to crawl under the house today, not my favourite past time...but I have to get under there with all the dust and spiders and unscrew, unblock the S bend under the shower. I have to do this because when I was in the shower this morning, I noticed the water rising around my feet, not draining away like normal showers are supposed to. I've done this before, it's one of the more disgusting things I've done...well, it ranks right up there with the rest of them anyway. And you know what's in that S bend waiting for me?... my hair, my dead skin, shampoo/conditioner and soap that have been mixed with my body stink..and the same for my teenage boys...but mainly my hair, and oh my god, it's revolting! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing the occasional DIY stuff around my home. In fact, late last year I had a go at replacing the light switch in the bathroom. It was stuffed, just wouldn't work. So I switched off the mains and unscrewed

Just wanted to add to my previous post one other young man I 'went' with. He was rather appealling to look at really. Kinda like Ricky Martin (and who hasn't drooled over him at one time or another?). I had spoken to him over the phone several times, kept putting him off, telling him I wasn't interested and to go looking elsewhere. He persisted and eventually I met up with him one afternoon, at his home. Ok, blah blah blah happened, and I left in time to pick my boys up from school. For the next two years, this young chap continued to ring me, harrass me, tried to meet up with me to give me presents etc. After being nice about it and saying no, I became soooo incredibly rude to him during the phone calls...always. Where was the man's dignity? It was obvious I didn't want him, why would any normal person continue to persue someone who had made it blatantly obvious they weren't interested? I guess there's the answer...he can't have been a

I've been thinking about some of the 'situations' I've put myself in after my marriage broke down over 6 years ago now. Was wondering if others had done some of the unnecessary things I did after my husband left the house. I seem to become obssesed with men (actually, I know I did). My closest friend was brilliant, she never rolled her eyes (not that I saw), never told to get a "grip and get over it", and in fact one of my other friends seem to thrive on living on my single life at the time. When I think back now I'm horrified at some of the things I did. Not the usual kinda thing you'd expect from a 33 year old mother of two to be up to. I never did anything too seedy, but for me...it was quite out of character to be going to strange mens homes and eventually ending up in the sack with them *shudder*. One chap was shorter than me (no offence to shorter men), he had about 15 pins in his knee and dragged his leg along like Lurch off the A

I am so tired tonight, I can't wait to get to bed. In fact, we are all going to bed early tonight. 15 is still knackered from being in Japan for a month, and 13 has an attitude I don't care much for. So those two in particular are definitely going to be in bed by 9. As for me? I might get to bed early and watch a little tv until I fall asleep. I wonder if I'm more tired than usual cos I haven't been drinking Vs lately? Nah, don't think that's it....I've been drinking almost 3 litres of water every day to kinda replace the coldness of the V, all that water's got to be good for me. I think I feel better for it. I'm sure my teeth appreciate it at least. The airport has been closed since 6.30 last night. The mist is so low in Wellington the past 28 hours or so that I can barely see the trees outside my bedroom window. It's still muggy and very still...no wind...feels like earthquake weather. God, like I need anymore of those around

It is sooo hot today, I'm wracking my mind as to what I can wear to work this evening. Right now, I'd quite like to go in naked. Obviously that's a non starter. 15 is home and boy he's bought so much junk with him *sigh* More little gadgets to try and keep in one place. Lots of audio CDs, lots of PS2 games and a dual screen (which I knew he was going to buy because I brought 13 one back from Canada for Xmas). But did he have to bring home so much bloody crap! Didn't get to talk to England this morning as scheduled. His rehearsal night was switched at the last minute, so I woke up to a text message apologising he wouldn't be available afterall. This is my 14th day without a V. I actually had to go back and look at my posts on here to find out when I stopped drinking them. That's pretty good really....I figured when I stopped that I would be counting the days down. Not until I at least get past the first month will I relax about this V thing.