Monday, February 28, 2005

The Final Continental Update

I no longer need to make any decisions about Canada and England. England has taken himself out of the picture. I received an email from him this morning saying that it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Fair enough, how could I dispute that? It wasn’t working for me anymore either. That much is obvious from my talking with Canada again, not to mention the phone call the other night.

I’m not sure how I feel about this right now…not that I have the chance to try making it work of course, but I do know that relief is part of the way I’m feeling. It saves me from having to do it to him. When I think back over the past 5 years, we had a lot of good times in amongst some not very good ones and those are the times that are making me feel weepy today. I am, however wondering why I'm not feeling more upset about it. I was devastated when I said goodbye to Canada last year. Why is life so complicated?? *sigh*

I have spoken to Canada about this already. We talked about it on yahoo voice chat, and before we hooked up, I warned him that he needed to be prepared for how I was feeling and that I was bawling (fuck, yes, I was crying yet again!). He was fantastic about it…he didn’t jump with glee and dance around the fire, but then I never expected him to do that anyway. He understood that I would be feeling sad for times gone by and we spoke about it for awhile and then moved on to another subject to put it aside for the time being.

I will from time to time wonder what England is up to and if he is happy and hopefully healthy. That’s normal. And some day in the future I may even send him an email to let him know how me and the boys are doing, I know he’ll be wondering how life is going for us too.

Canada and I have some things that obviously need working on because of this mess, and over the past week we have been doing a lot of talking about the last couple of months and what’s been going on and our reactions to different things. He was just happy to be talking with me and hearing my voice again. He understood I had a decision to make (although we’d thought I’d already done that) and he was prepared to wait until England came back (from yet another of his sabbaticals) to find out.

We are not officially an ‘item’ but are working in a positive way towards it again and he wants to come to New Zealand to be with me and the boys. He’s aiming for March 2006 (a long time away but enough to strengthen what we have) and he wants to take the kids and I back there for a visit with him. I could go myself again, but financially, taking the boys as well would be a struggle, but he said that if we both have to work harder to get the money together to get the kids there too, then so be it.

If all goes well, he’s prepared to sell up everything he has over there and come and live in New Zealand. Noone’s ever said they’d do that for me. It’s a scary big picture to look at but I’m feeling comfortable about it for now. We’re taking things slowly, step by step.

Everything in good time.
Sunday, February 27, 2005

My Interview Answers

There are a small core of people that read my blog most days that have been getting interviewed by each other and as such I decided to get on the band wagon and get interview myself. Here are Cesca's questions and the best answers I could think of at this hour of the morning.

1. Have you ever met anyone famous?
Last September going through LA Airport I met Eric Estrada (minus motorbike and uniform)in fact, he was wearing a dark purple velour jogging suit (eek), was heaps shorter than I expected, but didn't look like he'd aged a day since "CHIPS". He called me Darling, we talked about New Zealand and he signed my autograph book after asking my name, but then never writing it in the book. Guess he was so blinded by my brilliant conversation that he forgot it.

Oh, and the following month at Wellington Airport I met Ben Lummus, New Zealand's Idol (I made 13 break the ice here by shoving him forward to go and shake the man's hand and then I sidled up and met him).

2. If money were no object, where in the world would you choose to go to for a 2 week holiday?
Considering it's only two weeks, I'd have to say Niue (that's a tiny island in the pacific it's claim to fame being that it's the largest attol in the pacific ocean and they call it the Rock of Polynesia). My father is full blooded Niuean and hasn't been home since he came to New Zealand when he was 19, he's about to turn 72 this year. So that's where I'd head, dragging my father behind me.

If it was for say 6 weeks, I believe I'd head for something more dangerous and challenging like an African safari, cos I love elephants and big cats lol

3. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Not one for big ideas when I was a kid (and a father that talked constantly about how important education was and wanted me to be a secretary), I 'wanted' to be a short hand typist, get married and have babies. I've done all that now and still not sure what I want to be later when I grow up 'properly'.

4. What is your favourite alcoholic drink?
Bourbon and diet coke (with ice) for sure. Although I became partial to strawberry margueritas when I stayed in Vegas recently (possibly cos they were free all the time), and chocolate martinits when in Ottawa.

5. Admit it – what reality tv show do you REALLY like?
I enjoyed the Survivor series when they were dropped into Africa, but can't say I watch reality tv much these days. Fear Factor and eating pig stomach linings and bull's testicles kinda put me off watching that (it was usually on when we were having dinner). Oh, I will admit that I loved watching the "Makeover Extreme Home Edition", what they did for families on that show rocked!

Anyone that would like to be interviewed, feel free to ask me in the comments section of this post...just say "interview me" and I'll think up something to ask you. I hesitate to say this cos I believe that anyone that reads my blog has already been interviewed by others. But, keeping in tradition with the rest of this interview regime, the question is being thrown out there for anyone else who may like to participate. The first 5 people to ask to be interviewed in the comments will get their own 5 questions to answer on their own blog.
Saturday, February 26, 2005

Ball, Bugs and Bourbon

Each summer season my softball team runs a weekly raffle in the clubrooms, only one prize, that being alcohol. If you won, you went home with a 40oz bottle each of bourbon, gin, vodka, whiskey and rum; 2 dozen bottles of beer, a 3 litre cask of medium white wine, a bottle of red wine and 750ml bottle of irish creme.

The winning ticket of this raffle wass based on the bonus number that came up each week on the lottery. That also means there were only 40 tickets sold each week and at $10 a ticket, that was a pretty good profit. We fundraise this way each year and this money goes into a team pool that gets us north for what they call the "Fun in The Sun" softball tournament, which is held at the end of the softball season and a great way to finish the season with at least 40 different teams (male, female and mixed teams) from around the North Island socialising.

It's basically a get together to see the season out and usually filled with alot of drinking, barely any sleeping and the occasional event of debauchery behind the racecourse in Hastings. The weather is usually damn hot, the mosquitoes are out in full force, they tend to run in swarms (possibly they're having their end of season gig too) and the local supermarkets and dairies run out of insect repellent before the close of the first day. Insect repellent is vital...considering how much is drunk during these days and the heat, our busy bodies are sweating profusely, the smell of sweet alcohol layering our skin....the bugs, rampant with delirium, strike with full force.

Anyway, last season, my ticket number for the raffle was 4 (this is my favourite number and supposedly my number for the be all and end of time for me, my sacred number in the numbers game of life). I won the raffle 3 times. That's right 3 times. So I have a kitchen cabinet and fridge full of stuff to drown my sorrows or celebrate my highs in life and I barely drink at all. Winning that often got me a lot of disgruntled looks from my team mates and fellow clubroom members who all know that I'm not of the 'seasoned' drinkers society.

The vodkas gone, I turned it all into kahlua, the bourbon's gone, because that's the only drink I can handle more than 2 of without falling flat on my face and I gave away the beer and wine. On desperate days I'd have a go at the rum...and unfortunately the whiskey tastes kinda like an ashtray to me, so if I say I'm drinking whiskey, it means I'm having one of those desperate desperate days (not to be confused with just an ordinary desperate day).

[Interruption by Jehovah Witness at I suspect I'm going to have a regular visitor by the name of William *sigh*....why don't I know how to say "thanks, but no thanks" to these people of God's world?]

But...thanks to Duty Free and my recent trip to Vegas and Canada, I have a large bourbon bottle (with handle) that barely has a dent in it. So....last night the boys went to their Dad's for the weekend (Dad and I are cool, no awkwardness after the other day, we're all good) and I let llCoffee call the shots in my house and dragged said bottle out of the cupboard and had a few drinks. I'm afraid I can't drink wine... I do bad things (which apparently are good things) when I partake, but that's a whole other story.

I went to bed after speaking to Canada on voicechat for a while....received the phone call from him that we'd discussed while at the PC....and had the best sleep I've had in a long time after I hung up *cough*

Thanks for that girlfriend, I enjoyed you calling the shots in my world for one night. Here's to telling others what to do...Cheers *clink*

Friday, February 25, 2005

Growing Up

15 and I went to see the doctor this morning for various reasons.

Years ago, when the boys were toddlers they'd go running into the doctor's office and leap at him and he'd throw them into the air, make lots of noise, shake them up etc, have fun with them (that's depending on what was wrong with them of course, he wasn't shaking and throwing about children that could possibly vomit all over him).

Today, I sat back and watched him prodding and poking at 15's stomach, (15 was lying on the bed his feet almost dangling off the edge) and 15 was having a mature articulate conversation about Japan with him.

It made me feel proud of how my son had grown into such a mature young man....but old when I thought back to the high pitched squeals and laughter my toddlers had shared with this man whom they both trusted so much.

The only thing that hadn't changed was the way 15's facial features contort when confronted with the fact he's about to have blood tests.

I'm going to be 40 this year and although I don't feel 40 years old, that means I'm supposedly a 'grown up' in the real world.

Sometimes I get so tired of being the one that makes all the decisions in this house...I always talk to the boys about any major changes or decisions that need to come about....I like to think we're a democratic household and take all opinions into consieration before giving the final verdict...but the bottom line is...the buck stops here with me.

Sometimes it would be nice, just for a change, to have someone else calling the shots.
Thursday, February 24, 2005

My Shock for the Day

Ex hubby came up to fix the lightbult behind my computer. Hey's a's working again. Once he showed me what the problem was I could've done it myself, but it was certainly easier having him do it instead.

Anyway...he stopped and had a quick cuppa before going back to work and he was joking around about fixing the lightbulb and said "that must be another blowjob you owe me"...I told him to add it to the list (he fixed my car remote last week AND 13's doorknob that I didn't have the grip in my hands to do (don't ask))...not sure why he's been so willing and helpful lately, but he wasn't so readily available and happy to help until after our divorce..which was only final last August).

Then he dropped the next statement "you mentioned something about a blowjob last week when I was here, were you serious?"..."No, YOU mentioned it and I said something about getting naked and you were shit out of luck, but not to let that stop you from helping us out and I'll occasionally flash you my cleavage as a reward". It was just a bloody joke! If you can't joke about stuff like that with someone you've spent 15 years with, who can you?? I mean, I thought were were just joking around affectionately for old time's sake, and it was good sign knowing we were still good friends, for the sake of the boys and the time we'd shared.

Bottom line: the man was looking for sexual I don't know whether his 'willingness' to do things here lately has been due to a hidden agenda or he's just trying to get away from his girlfriend of 5 years or whether he's just being a good mate and father and helping out his family.

I just looked at him and shook my head slightly...he says "No?" and I reply "No"

I ask "Are you having problems in that area at the moment?" He confessed that yes they were certainly having problems. I told him if it's been going on for years (because I've seen him obviously a fair bit over the years and he's never looked that happy, long story I won't bore you with), then not to hang around much longer out of habit or because he can't be bothered having the hassle of shifting or finding somewhere to live, just go. And I said, that if he feels it's worth hanging onto then to do his best to sort it out.

He agreed and left.

I feel real weird about this now...bit upset....feel let down by my own naivety as well...I never saw this coming at all. Does everybody have a similar hidden agenda like this when they're so helpful to others? It might be foolish of me, but I always give others the benefit of the doubt until it's proven otherwise. I just never expected that. Hopefully I'll shake off the nausea of it all shortly. I'm possibly being too dramatic...ah well, I'll puke soon and then the whole business will be done with.

Seems all I talk about lately is the sex life of others.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Mission Accomplished

Spoke to 13 about having more tissues in his room today. He was playing the playstation in the lounge and I was sitting here at the PC, so all seemed per normal to him. I feel sometimes there are certain matters that can be discussed in a nonchalant way than can come across as being 'no big deal' but they carry their own amount of weight behind them regardless of conversation attitude. This is how I chose to handle it today.

"Could I have a quick word with you about something please?"

*pauses playstation game* "sure"

"It's a very personal matter"

He looks at me through slitted eyes, a scowl distorting his features.

I take a deep breath.
"Do you need me to buy you more tissues for your bedroom?"
It worked before, why change the method if it's not broken?

"No, I think I'm good for that thanks"

"Well, it's just that I think it may be handy for you to have them anyway just in case, because you never know when you might need them"

"True, they would've helped last night cos I had a bleeding nose at midnight"

Fuck, what is it with my kid's and their noses?? Tthis wasn't going as planned. Tries again.

"Well, at the age you are, your body's changing and I want you to know it's perfectly natural to feel certain things and do certain things and as such I will make sure you have a box of tissues in your room from now on"

He stares at me.

"Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about do you?" (he's still mummy's baby, hooray!)

"Yes, I do...I know exactly what you're talking about" (Bugger)

"Cool, in that case, I'll do my end of the bargain and supply the tissues and you keep up your end of the bargain by flushing them down the toilet after you've used them ok?" Bargain? shit, where did that come from? this aint The Warehouse we're talking about.

"Yes ok...sounds fair"

"Great, then I'll get you some next time I do the shopping when I get some more for 15"
That was sneaky of me really, bringing his brother into this...13 has looked up to 15 all his life so I figure he'll feel comfortable with himself about it all if he's aware that 15 is partaking in such activities too.

"What homework do you have tonight?"

"Maths, Science and some Japanese"

"Ok, how about getting that done and bring it here so I can have a quick look at it when you're finished ok?"

"yep" he heads off into his bedroom to complete his homework, and I exhale. Mission accomplished.

I head for the kitchen, pour myself a bourbon, hold my glass up and silently "clink" it with an imaginery support person, feeling proud of myself and glad I don't have any more sons.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Leading Conversations

Years ago when my oldest son was 9, he came to me and asked me about how babies were made. Now, we’d had this chat before, as some of you would know , they’re well curious about this before they turn 9. But lately he’d been discussing some of the ins and outs of this baby stuff with his friends at school and there were various different ‘stories’ as to how and why babies came about.

Not wanting him to be given false information, I sat him on my bed, and went into detail a little more for him. I’ve always been open about such matters with my boys…given direct answers to direct questions…seemed pointless calling a penis a willy or peepee or whatever other names for it…it’s a damn penis…why call it anything else?

Somehow, the conversation got around to birth control (probably more detail than he needed really, but he was asking questions, so I launched fully into just about everything)…I discussed condoms with him. He was concerned that wearing something like that may hurt the girl…next thing I’m getting one out of the drawer to show him how thin and soft they are, and telling him the girl would appreciate him wearing one to stop her from having babies. (This is after I emphasise that it is only best to be doing this with someone you REALLY love…ok, at my age now, I know I’m a hyprocrite but gotta make sure the foundations are set properly for my kid.)

“Let’s pretend my finger is a penis”

“No, no, use my finger” *holds his index finger up*
(NB: was such a tiny ‘penis’ compared to the size of the condom…it just kinda flapped and folded around it…that’s the condom doing the flapping stuff, not the finger)

“you gently unravel the condom from the tip until it’s completely covered …”
Blah blah blah, you get the gist right?

Next comes the ejaculating conversation. He wants to know what it looks do you get to make this stuff come out of it etc. *sigh* This was starting to get more detailed than I was expecting. We got onto the masturbation conversation, I didn’t actually have to talk too much on this. At one stage he said “oh, that’s the feeling when I get all warm and it’s nice” (He’s staring dreamily at the ceiling and runs his hand across his chest when he says this.) He adds...”it looks like cottage cheese eh?” “OH MY GOD!” I’m thinking...but sitting there calmly, no change of expression on my face (gold star for me).

Rush forward 3 years...I’m doing the washing one morning...stuffing his clothes into the machine...and what do I find? (was going to say "and what do I come across?" but that didn't seem right) ...Yes, you guessed it...suspicious substance on t-shirt. I do I approach this subject now without completely embarrassing him?....I head down to his bedroom (his living quarters these days)...plonk myself on the bed and say “do you need me to buy you some more tissues?”...”eh? no, thanks”...”ok, I just wanted to say, I was expecting this to happen at some stage, and there’s no need to be embarrassed about it, it’s perfectly natural...but I’m going to be making sure you always have a box of tissues in your room from now on”...*puzzled expression from him*...”but I don’t have a cold”...”maybe not, but I’d rather you used tissues than your t-shirts ok?”…..*understanding dawns on his face*….”oh, right..yeah ok...tissues would be good”..."Cool, thanks for the chat...sorry to interrupt whatever you were doing".

Conversation ends, mother leaves room.

See how easy that was? *snort*

This post has come about due to the fact that 13 has run out of tissues in his room and the same chat has been put off for too long. He’s a completely different kettle of fish…reacts completely different to me ‘interfering’ in his life…I so do not want to be having this conversation with him…but I will…afterall…How hard can it be?
Monday, February 21, 2005

Good Motto to Live By

My motto in life has pretty much been "how hard can it be?". This usually comes out of my mouth when I'm faced with a challenge I've not dealt with before...something I'm not sure I have the confidence to do...or something I'm shit scared of attempting.

I read this motto today, and although it's a lot more difficult to memorise, and you can't just throw it out there in one breath, I loved it anyway.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a

Isn't that fantastic??!

The other saying that we have in this household is when either myself or the children are going away for some time (could be a couple of days, a week, a month, you get the picture). I've said this to the boys since they were at least about 4 years old, so it's well worn now. When 15 recently went to Japan I wrote it in the notebook I knew he was going to use on a daily basis.

"Wherever you go, no matter how far, my love is with you, wherever you are"

Anyone out there care to share a motto or saying with me, that they particularly like or live by? Let's hear it!
Sunday, February 20, 2005

Links again

Ok, so now that I've managed to figure out (ok, I didn't, 15 did) how to do the links thing on my template...I did one link on it and left it to update my settings...went back to the kitchen to continue making the hummus I'm taking to the BBQ this afternoon....came back to the PC to find that it was still at the same 'updating' stage as it was when I left it.

Now I know what you're talking about H&B when you're referring to things taking forever on here....should my link thingy turn up while I'm absent, youwill be chuffed to think that you are the only blog I read on a daily basis lol.

Actually I don't believe it worked. I'll have another go later when I've time.

Incidentally, it took me AGES to fit the lid on the food processor today, I couldn't fathom why....then I realised, the last time I used it, I put it through the dish washer and the rim about the bowl has melted/buckled a little. I finally thumped the lid into place, clicked the whole thing into the machine and hey presto...hummus in the making. I have to admit, I had to add all the ingrediants through the hole in the top because I didn't want to have to pry the lid off each time and then thump it back into place again.

Anyway, all ingredients are now suitably mixed...looks like a good texture etc...shame I can't remove the lid at all!!

I'm going to rummage around in the laundry now to find a hammer and chisel.
Saturday, February 19, 2005

Not A Lot To Report

The bride-to-be rang me at 7.15 this morning. This was to tell me that Miss 10 month old is now finally crawling and that her second tooth has come through. I said to her “You gave me a hell of a scare ringing at this time, I thought something was wrong”...she apologised and said that she knew I didn’t mind being woken up.

This takes me back to the days when she was dating one complete and utter idiot who treated her so badly I used to get calls at 3 or 5am. One time I almost had a heart attack as she was trying to silently climb into bed beside me at 4 in the morning.

She split up with a man a couple of months after I split up with my husband, so she came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. At the time we were sleeping on one of those old fold-out two seater foam couch things. (My ex husband took the bed with him). The kids and I enjoyed having her company, apart from the fact that she just about asphyxiated us all each morning with the amount of hair spray she was using.

She was dead easy to sleep with…I guess the two of us were quite conscious of the other being in the bed...I generally woke up in the same position I’d fallen asleep…neither of us moved during the night at all. I barely knew she was in the bed beside me.

I’ve just recently got home from watching the Groom To Be’s softball game. This was orchestrated due to the fact that Bride To Be was getting her hair done, and someone had to be keeping an eye on the baby. I’ve come home with mashed pumpkin on my cheek...crushed pear on both knees and feeling quite worn out from trying to see around the umpire to watch how each pitch was coming down. Dad had placed us directly behind the home plate cage to avoid having any random balls flying at us.

I wore my Xmas present from Canada New York Yankees baseball shirt...and I was complimented on it 3 times...afterall, it has vertical stripes...this is important to a woman in my shape. I felt like wearing it today...have decided for the time being, I’ll wear it whenever I want to...I promise not to become obsessed with it and sleep with it on. I will say that my shirt came home in the same state it left, I was very particular about pumpkin hands touching it.
Friday, February 18, 2005

Feelings I Don't Want to Repeat

Here’s a feeling I would rather not repeat.

On the day we flew back from Powell River to Vancouver City (my best friend, Canada and I) I ended up in the emergency room at Powell River Hospital at 6am.

Apparently the medical term for it was peri-anal thrombosis (yes, yes, I did say anal). The doctor turned up 2 hours later after having a sleep and once I explained to him I had a painful case of haemmerroids he says “Unfortunately, you are going to have to show me” I replied, “Yes, I know, I hope you haven’t had your breakfast yet”.

My best friend, in the meantime is waking up back at the house, finds out I’ve been taken to the hospital and immediately reacts “OMG, what did he do to her??!” Let me just state for the record, Canada did not do anything to me that caused this problem).

Anyway, the doctor injected it with an anaesthetic, cut it open, removed the blood clot and I had instant relief, I could’ve kissed him! I bounded out the room and said to Canada “Hey, look at me, walking all normal-like again!”

The anaesthetic hung in there long enough for me to pack my bags and get myself organised for our flight back to the city. After that I was walking like a cripple again.

After a 30 minute flight back to Vancouver and settling into our hotel, Lily came and picked us up, I was so happy to see her again (as much as one can be with a carrot stuck up their bum kinda feeling). She drove us around the city, pointing out various sights for almost two hours. I saw nothing but the inside of my eyelids, thanks to my previous host in Powell Rivert and her worthy painkillers, I was out cold on the backseat. Needless to say, they woke me in time to enjoy dinner with them.

Vancouver for the night, then onto Ottawa the following day (my best friend stayed in Vancouver with a mutual friend of ours). I spent the next day hobbling around until Canada booked me an appointment with his own doctor, who became furious with the Power River hospital doctor for not doing the job right the first time.

I guess that meant that if Dr Hospital had done it properly, Dr Ottawa wouldn’t have to be doing it again. Like I wanted to go through minor surgery again. But I did, and from what Canada told me, he could hear me from the waiting room. This doc was rather rough. This doc said he’d never seen one so big before, which left me wondering if it was the surgery subject matter he was referring to, or my butt. I paid, got my receipt and stumbled out of the surgery….turned around and cried on Canada who asked “what are you crying for?” My response “cos I can”…he wrapped his arms around me and said “oh ok”

That afternoon Canada mixed up bottles of saline for my use (you know, possible infection hanging over me), spent 10 minutes in the drugmart finding me a donut cushion and for the rest of my stay he cooked me meals that had an equal balance of protein and fibre (blah) to ensure the ‘incident’ doesn’t repeat itself. I barely lifted a finger, and when I tried to, I got told off.

By the way, those donut cushions ROCK!!


One more thing I don’t want to feel again….I’ve just overflowed the laundry tub whilst sitting here happily blogging away. This overflow has gone through my laundry floor and down into the back bedroom of my tenants below. Damn.

Anything in Particular?

On the car radio this morning, the DJs were talking about various subjects, as they do…and Polly (DJ no.1) brought up something that made me start thinking.

She said that she’d read somewhere about what a couple of people had said were their ‘moments’ in life. They were asked if there was any particular moment in life that they remembered that they’d like to play over again.

One was a New Zealand Olympian who’d won a gold medal. She said there has been nothing akin to the feeling she had when she was standing on the podium and hearing NZ’s national anthem being played. The euphoria and pride she felt was indescribable and that is the feeling she’d want to play over again. It was amazing.

The other mentioned, was a man who said that if he had had an affair, and left his long-time partner for this new woman. He said that if he could play that over again, he would change it. The depth of the love he’d shared with his ex partner was something he’s never felt again. It happened 10 years ago and he’s never had that feeling back since. She’s obviously moved on, so it’s too late for him now.

I’ve been going through my mind’s memories to find something I’ve done or had in my life that I’d like to repeat the feeling of...besides the magic of giving birth to both my children...I’ll have to think harder about it. I also wonder if I have to think that hard about it, does that mean I haven't experienced it yet?...when I think back, there are so many things I’ve done or seen that I’d like to repeat again but I can’t choose any one thing in particular.

Do you remember anything in your life you’d like to repeat over again? Anything in particular that stands out in your mind that makes your body adrenalin rush around, or your heart ache or just gives you the nice warm fuzzy feeling and makes you smile?
Thursday, February 17, 2005

Continental Update

Interesting turn of events today. I spoke to Canada on voice chat…after a whole lot of urging from my best friend…for some reason she’s gone in to bat very strongly for him, even despite what he’d threatened to do with all the information he has about her.

He seems to have settled quite a bit, and last night he approached her and talked to her about the latest nickname he’d seen me in. God only knows how he knew it was me…she was the only person who knew it, and she certainly didn’t tell him. He wanted to let me know that I could use my old nic...that it was wrong of him to expect me to close myself off from my friends on that site and that he’d prefer I didn’t use any other nickname but my usual old one. Very confusing.

Anyway, the bottom line is, we talked...and we talked for a long time...we talked through a lot of what had happened, a lot of what he’d threatened, how he’d scared me with his change of attitude about everything and so on.

This is very confusing to me. I think back to the times we spent together in person and everything else as well, and also the fact that I’ve never felt myself in the same comfort zone as when I’m talking to England. With England, I’ve had to be careful what I’ve said and how I’ve said it….at times, when I’m tired and just basically said what I was thinking or’s often turned into a major argument between the two of us. (It wasn’t always like that of course, but it’s been at least a couple of years, so let’s face it, that’s a long time to be worried about what I’m saying.)

I can’t continue to have to keep walking on egg shells like that. I also wonder whether I’m feeling like this because England’s done a runner for the moment. I know he’ll be back, he always is and of course I don’t expect him to be back until his health is in order, I understand that. But do I want to keep going with someone who does most of the talking and giving me English history lessons? (he’s a great historian, loooves all manner of English history). Then when I want to talk to him about anything…could just be about my day or what I’ve been upto…and he’ll tell me that that’s more ‘girl’ talk. So, I shut up and don’t say much and let him type...then he complains that he’s doing all the talking. Bit of a Catch 22 really.

I don’t know what to do....l I know I’m leaning more towards the Canadian airport, than the English one...I know I've thought about Canada more than I've thought about England in the past couple of months.

It became clear, in a fuzzy kinda way...I'm think I'm scared of commitment. How interesting.

Go ahead...feel free to tell me how I’m fucking my mind over yet again.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005


I wish I could figure out how to do links on my blog. Then I could at least have a links list and kinda link the rest of you to me...the thought of that is sorta warm and fuzzy in some way. I could also link you to some of my old posts, which would help you understand some of the stuff that I actually talk about.

I've tried using the link icon on this posting thing but for some reason it won't work. I probably need to ask 15 how to do this and he'll do it in 2 seconds flat. I do like to try working these things out for myself though. Right now, I feel so knackered that I can't be bothered stuffing around with it and am weakening....leaning towards my teenage son's bedroom door to drag him out of that dark dungeon to help his hopeless mother.

One way or t'other, I'll get it sorted. The rest of you seem to be able to do it, so why the hell can't I??!

My motto: "How hard can it be?"

Well, bloody hell, this appears to be proving a tough one, boo!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005

What the hell?

Phone rings..."hello"....*click*

10 minutes later, phone rings..."hello"..."hi, it's James here, and I know I'm not supposed to call you but I wanted to catch up and see how you've been and if you'd allow me to call you on your cellphone sometime"


"No James, please don't start this again, don't ring me again" *click*

10 minutes rings..."hello"...."it's me again - ok, point taken, I won't ring you again, I just like to call you once a year to see if you've changed your mind, but I won't call again"

"Thank you James"

"Anyway, how have you been?"
"I'm hanging up now James, goodbye!" *clunk*

This was the young chap I spoke about in an earlier post ("Another blast from the past..."). I can't believe he rang...especially just after H&B was talking about bad dates.

Well, it seems my bad date is still happening....6 years and counting! *throws hands in the air*
Monday, February 14, 2005

My Valentine Pleasure

Being a Kiwi woman, we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day over here. Well, we do kinda, but not to the same extent that the Americans do. Our retailers celebrate Valentine’s Day, by throwing up big posters “Show how much you love her/him” kinda thing. Costs an arm and a leg for one rose of course.

I like the idea of celebrating love. But I prefer to celebrate it every day, not just show it or prove it on one particular day of the year.

At the start of my road of dilemma between England and Canada, I had a problem when it came to sex. I mean, the ‘alone’ sex stuff. Trying to shut one out while I thought about the other (when the one I was trying to shut out, was the last one to make me feel so good by touching me in that way). It was damn near impossible for me to get any release at all (and let’s face it, noone wants to spend a couple of hours getting there by themselves right?). It’s a sad world when a girl can’t even rely on her own fantasies to get her over the edge.

I felt wrong thinking of Canada...felt disloyal to England if I did that...felt I had to shut Canada out of those thoughts entirely, considering I hurt him so badly, I deserved to leave him out of that side of things. Course, now, England’s gone walk-about for 2-3 weeks and prior to him taking off, things have hardly been rosy between us in that respect.

So, here is Valentine’s Day and I have noone asking for me to be their Valentine, or continue being their Valentine and I think, ‘fuck em all’ I’ll be my own Valentine to myself.

This morning, I lay back in bed closed my eyes and thought about Canada and thought about how wonderful it felt to be in bed with him...and during that time, thoughts of England interrupted and kinda got mixed in with the rest of my thoughts...and during the process of all this thinking going on, I got busy and had the best couple of orgasms I’ve had for a while. *the crowd goes wild*

So, from now on...I’ll fantasise about what I bloody well want to...I won’t feel guilty about either Canada or England being party to those thoughts, or not a party to them...these are my what if it feels like I’m having a threesome with two men that hate each others guts? They don’t need to know...I don’t plan to tell them. I’ll pleasure myself and think what I like and I’ll sleep better at night and be nicer to my children because of it. The rest of them can go to hell for the time being.

So here is my quick note of love to myself:
“Darling Sara, will you please be my Valentine?”
“Abso-fuckin-lutely, you’re soooo good at making me feel wonderful”

Yay Me!
Sunday, February 13, 2005
I got sent this in an email today, and regardless of the fact that I'm not American, it made me feel weepy anyway. Besides, New Zealand do have their own men and women of the forces in amongst the rest of them over there.

Such beautiful photography have an ulcer

News on England this week; his doctor believes he has an ulcer due to stress. He's been dealing with all manner of things lately, and although I didn't give it to him, what I did sure hasn't helped the situation has it? So, instead of chatting to him online last night as scheduled, we had a conversation via text about him needing time to recover and that he couldn't deal with any more stress right now...he needed to sort his shit out, repair said ulcer etc. He played his last gig for a while last night. He is now officially taking a sabbitical from everything and everyone, including me. To be honest, I could do with the time out from the stress of our conversations myself.

Years ago, my ex husband had an ulcer, and he was a right bastard to deal with until he went and got some medical attention. He was difficult to live with, everything was a huge issue for him, every little thing became a mountain and the kids and I just plodded through those days with our heads down. The day after he started on medication, he became the wonderful man I fell in love with. He was so lovely to be around for a change.

I'm kinda hoping this is what's going to happen with England. Who knows? Anything's possible right now I guess. I expect he'll be incommunicado for at least 2 weeks.

Never thought I'd be one for posting poems on my blog, but I found this one a long time ago, and as I was clearing out 'my documents' this morning, I came across it and thought some of you might like it.

© by Lou "Luke" Carrol

Don't think of me, Don't fantasize,
Don't see me when you close your eyes.

Don't hear my name, In every song.
Don't dream of me, When nights are long.

Don't miss me now, Or think you must.
I do. Enough for both of us.

Don't mention me, To any friends.
Don't ache for me, When evening ends.
Don't wake up feeling, You're with me.
Don't tell yourself, We're meant to be.

Don't fan the flames, Or feed your lust.
I do. Enough for both of us.

Don't think you see me, On the street.
Don't wish for ways, That we could meet.
Don't let temptation, Cross the line.
Don't feel your lips, Are touching mine.

Don't cry. Or lose much sleep because
I do enough for both of us


I didn't open the irish creme last night but I did almost polish off the bag of crisps. I sat here and watched a movie on Sky called "Identity" starring John Cusack, Ray Liota and Amanda Peet. Was rather different with quite a twist at the end. It kept me entertained for the evening anyway.
Saturday, February 12, 2005

Feeling Blah

I feel like a big fat blob today. I want to hoe into a large bag of sour cream and chives chips (crisps) and open the 2 litre bottle of irish creme I've had in the bottom of the fridge since Christmas.

For now, I'll just continue to drink from my water bottle, which in turn will continue to have me getting up in the middle of the night to pee it out.

The boys are at their Dad's for the weekend again so I don't have them to keep me entertained for the moment. Besides, they're no longer happy to dance and sing in front of me anymore. Those little concerts when they were younger were quite comical really.

Life feels like a bitch today.
Friday, February 11, 2005

Calling Home

One particular telephone conversation I had with my children sticks in my memory from while I was away. God, how I missed them. 13 told me “I don’t mean to be horrible or anything mum, but I don’t miss you at all, things are going really well”. (Guess he wasn’t interested in me bringing him home any presents from overseas) When I spoke to 15, his voice was thick with emotion, he missed me and hearing him say that made my heart ache and want to leap down the phone, hold him close and tell him everything’s going to be alright. I had received an email from him the day before, he was venting about school and what was happening at home…he ended it with “You better be having a good time over there or I’m going to hospitalise myself with a non-stick fry pan”. Hence the phone call.

I knew they would be alright without me. They’re sensible young men, with a sound knowledge of right and wrong, and I’d left them in the capable hands of their father. Saying that, I had a fear I may return to find them swilling pints of beer down in less than 30 seconds and belching out the alphabet in unison.

As much as I had a terrific time, my mind continued to drift to my children at home and how things were going for them….I expect that this is not uncommon for parents travelling without their offspring. There were so many things I’d seen that I knew both my boys would be fascinated with. The light show in old Vegas, the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam, not to mention just the huge size of these places and what the rest of you would see as ordinary everyday things, us kiwis are standing around gob-smacked at the differences.

Before I left NZ I hunted high and low to find myself an autograph book. You know the ones that were extremely popular with the school kids in the 70/80s? Took me a while, but I found one. During my trip overseas, I had planned to get little anecdotes and signatures from my online friends, and whoever else that I came across that interested me. Well, we first arrived at LA Airport, who should I happen to spy across the way? the one and only Eric Estrada (minus his uniform and motorbike of course). Now I’m not big on chasing ‘stars’ for their autographs, but hell, this was too good an opportunity to pass up, and I eventually approached him and very politely said “Excuse me Sir, could I have your autograph?” He said something to the affect of “Of course Darlin” and we chatted about NZ while he wrote something in my book. Quite frankly, I wasn’t that interested in what he’d written, I was still feeling all dreamy about the fact that this man, who had been pinned up on my bedroom wall when I was a young girl, had called me darling.

After that, I had various people sign in my book, not the least of which were those that I enjoyed company with in Vegas and elsewhere. (The bus driver to the Grand Canyon wrote that I was the best passenger on his tour – that was after a whole lot of encouragement and smiling from me). Pat even wrote that she’d never enjoyed being called names so much. I’m going to treasure this book forever, it has all my online friends that I’ve met in person, plus the man we sat next to on the flight to Vegas, and a couple of the dealers at the casino, not to mention the man from Pittsburgh that made a lot of money from my rolling debut on the craps table and more.

With all these wonderful people in my book, the entries that I treasure the most are the two on the very first page. And these are the ones from my children. One of which ends with “...and make sure you don’t forget about us”. (Do I need to tell you that was from 15?.)

I'm off to bed...I do believe I've blogged myself out for the day.

Vegas continued ...

I’ll continue on the Vegas track seeing as there’s a few that sound like they’d be happy to hear more. Just to give you quick background here. My girlfriend and I went overseas to meet up with several people we’d been talking with online...all met over a backgammon board. A group of 7 of us met in Vegas. 6 of us stayed for the 4 days, one lovely man flew in from Phoenix the same day we arrived from New Zealand, and had to fly back out the following day due to work commitments.


I think I finally got the timing right for my body. We went down to old Vegas to have a look around. It’s just like on the tv!! At least three long blocks of casinos on both sides and a canopy of something that looks like mesh waaay above it all. All along the middle of these blocks are kiosks selling various wares of t-shirts and handbags and jewellery etc. There was just so much to look at and buy and I felt like I needed several pairs of eyes to see everything. Penny was slightly (ok, majorly) hungover from the night before and I was still feeling rather jetlagged, so we went and sat down on the Oxygen kiosk. Got some ‘lovely’ pics of us with hoses up our noses.

I remember being so tired, I would’ve been ecstatic at the sight of a mattress on the ground in front of me, lay down and gone to sleep. I was determined however, to be awake for the light show. It was very patriotic, even I felt close to tears. The main lights of all the casinos were turned off to highlight the light show on the canopy, the sound system was echoing down the street, it was very overwhelming. Not sure if I was feeling emotional due to the effect of it all or the pure fact that I, ME of all people, was dazzled by actually standing on a Vegas street and seeing all this. I was awe-struck. My children would’ve loved it.

We went in and out a couple of casinos on the way, and each time we entered one they’d put strings of sparkly beads around our necks. Can you imagine that? They’re giving us presents just for stepping in the door. These people in elaborate costumes (cowboys, dancing girls etc) standing at the doorways with large smiles and armloads of beads…“Come here, we’ll give you a gaudy necklace, long as you spend zillions on our tables and slot machines” Pat, was on a winning streak. In fact, I licked her arm and made the effort to rub my body all over her, to see if I could get some of her luck. My god, the woman was amazing. Saying that, she paid for dinner that night (possibly to alleviate the guilt at our disgruntled looks and to stop us calling her names).

My best mate actually went down the strip late one night, completely off her face with the free alcohol from the casino...she climbed up on the large concrete horses outside the Excalibur, climbed over the fence and went paddling in the fountain and god knows what else...she was in hot pink pjamas. I went to bed around 1am...had a good 7 hours sleep...waking up just in time to see her come staggering in the door at 8am. I had a quick conversation with her before I heard the sound of snoring rising from the opposite bed and realised I’d just wasted my breath.

I tried so hard to stay awake to get the chance to join in the horse riding, fountain swimming and deep conversations with the statues outside the Excalibar, but I’m afraid, as the time wore on, my body started screaming at me “OMG, what do you think you’re doing??!” and it pretty much shut down at that point. There didn’t appear to be any kind of legal medication I could take that would keep me awake 24/7 to experience

It seemed that Christine and I were the sensible ones...I wasn't so sure that was a good thing...I missed out on all sorts of things going on..But...besides having jetlag I never once had a hey, I could live with that. I felt like I was doing something wrong by not joining in on all the fesitivities (did I mention the free drinks?? Any casino you’re at, if you’re playing at a machine or table, or even just leaning up against one, you get free cocktails...try the strawberry margueritas, they’re to die for). I will also say that I was probably one of the only people in our group that seemed to be able to cope with the bright light of sunshine during those days. Vegas was also another place I wanted to walk around naked, it was so damn hot!

I strongly believe that the amount of alcohol we consumed between would have possibly been enough to open a liquor store in New Zealand.

Oh one more thing…and yes I know this has become a HUGE post.

Did you know you can’t hail a taxi in Vegas? Now I've seen this done on tv, so I knew all the right ways to throw my arm out and yell "Oi Taxi!" Penny and I were both hanging off the side of the curb outside the Bellargio (that's apparently where Oceans 11 was filmed, bit of trivia for you) trying our luck. Penny even tried pulling up the leg of my pants to see if that worked while we were yelling (that's probably the reason they didn't stop). Anyway, no luck whatsoever.

The following day, my best mate and I went back to Old Vegas...after shopping and me picking up an 18 pack of some special beer you can't get in Vancouver for Penny's husband...I tried my luck again at hanging off the curb and hailing down a cab. The cabbie that shot passed actually yelled back at me "can't pick you up here Lady!" blah.

More walking to find the nearest taxi stand (my beer carrying arm felt like it was now scraping along the ground). And lo and behold, we get the cabbie that yelled back at me. He was actually rather lovely. And the fact of the matter is....noone is allowed to hail cabs in Vegas. In fact, it's illegal for the taxi drivers to pick up anyone trying to flag them down. You can only be picked up at the designated taxi stands...mainly outside the hotels. All these taxi stands are under video surveillance, which is certainly a good security measure for the patrons of Vegas. This is to stop cabbies picking up little old ladies that may have just struck gold at the casino and run off with their money I guess. And ok, if I'd actually won a decent sum of money, I really wouldn't have wanted someone, who I expected to deliver me safely to my hotel, to knock me on the head and take off with it. (This is where my earlier vision of paranoia would come in handy I suppose).

H&B: I never really won anything substantial, and as you can probably guess by now, if I did, I spent it on tipping cocktail waitresses. lol

It certainly was a fun few days and being that close to the Grand Canyon..there was no way in hell I was going to miss out on seeing that. Being in Nevada one moment and then the state of Arizona the, that was also very cool.

I’ll also admit that I now love watching CSI Las Vegas (got the t-shirt, yeah!), cos I can sit here at home and yell “I’ve been there!”….”I’ve seen that!”

ok, will try for a quick short post next time to make up for this.


Before I arrived in Canada last October, I stopped off in Vegas for 4 days first. My best friend has always wanted to go to Vegas, so we went.

I found it a loud, bright city that never goes to sleep but it was fun, and quite the experience.

First time I’ve ever had a go at craps and oh my god... I had an amazing roll of luck. I continued to throw 7’s to the point where strangers were calling me “baby” and applauding! I threw the dice so many times I could feel my right bicep growing and I was working up a sweat. (I only hit my friend twice with them bouncing off the table...serves her right for standing at the opposite end of the table I reckon). The dealer continued to place the dice in front of me, just out of reach until I finally realised that each time I picked up the dice I was leaning forward just the right amount for him. One ‘look’ at him was enough to have him start placing them in the right position for me, not for him.

My girlfriend spent that evening standing beside a member of the FBI, apparently there was a conference in town. Actually I’m not sure “standing beside” is the right phrase...she was batting her eyelashes, leaning against him, making innocent comments about handcuffs, and he was lapping it all up to the point where he was still there at the craps table at 8am the following morning. I know this because we had arranged to go to the Grand Canyon and the bus was picking us up at 6.15am. I basically swept passed the table enroute to the bus gathering her up along the way.

There really is no way to describe seeing the Grand Canyon. An absolutely spectacular sight. We could’ve quite happily sat there for hours just staring and taking it all in. The sun was shining brightly through the clouds, illuminating various parts of the canyon. Here I was, looking upon one of the 7 wonders of the natural world being highlighted by mother was breathtaking.

Something I noticed about Vegas…the streets were so very they have some special little elves hiding around every corner with brush and shovel? Do said elves leap out and sweep up cigarette butts and dropped candy wrappers, rushing back to their respective hidey holes again? We could’ve walked anywhere on Las Vegas Boulevard barefooted and returned to the hotel without anything but dust attached to the bottom of our feet.

I felt very secure in Vegas, the city has a certain feeling of safety that made me comfortable about walking around by myself and not clutching my valuables to my chest - all the time looking over my shoulder and glaring at anyone nearby. Before I’d arrived, I’d had major visions about harming strangers that even accidentally brushed alongside me, immediately and with great enthusiasm. I was pleased I didn’t have to bring that into reality.
Thursday, February 10, 2005

Nothing Much Really

I was thinking the other day, with all this sun and heat we've been having recently, it could be time to purchase a barbeque. I did have one...but it went with my we have been a barbequeless house for the past 6 years or so now. I spoke to 15 about it. He said "what do we need one of them for?" "because you need to learn to cook on're male, and all males should know how to cook a good steak on a bbq" He rolled his eyes and then brought up the fact that we were supposed to be cutting financial corners, or so he thought, and this was a silly idea. He has a point. The bbq can wait til next summer...after my trip.

When I got home from work last night, I found that 13 had diligently put away the groceries when they'd arrived. This was great..I love the fact that I don't even have to go to the supermarket to get them...him putting them away was the icing on the cake. But..the kitchen floor was surprisingly shiny. He'd knocked over a bottle of olive oil. So I spent the next half hour mopping the kitchen floor.

The ceiling light behind my computer is having problems. Actually, it's not the light, I've already replaced it with 3 new bulbs (and they can't all be duds), so it's gotta be the wiring. As much as I enjoy the kick ass satisfaction of doing DIY stuff, I'm not keen to be trying to do it standing on a chair with my head back and piss arsing around whilst keeping my balance at the same time. Besides, what happens if I fall and crash through my computer? That would be like injuring my 3rd child. I'll have to call in a pro for this one.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I Got Mail

I received a parcel in the post from Canada yesterday. It's my late Christmas present that he'd ordered which hadn't turned up in time. I knew he was going to send it, because if nothing else, he is a man of his word. For those that want to know, it's a New York Yankees baseball shirt. Something I've always wanted actually. Now that I've got one, I'm not sure what to do with it. It was accompanied by my Lancome face cleanser, which I left on the side of the bath during my stay.

I'm feeling a bit odd about all this today. I've been seeing a side of Canada I've never seen before, it's kinda scary.

Bella asked me if England is aware of all this post-Canada stuff. Well, no, I've chosen not to tell him. When it first happened I mentioned some of what was going on, and England was eager to get on the wagon and do something about it...he has a 6'6", 300+ pound friend who lives in the same province...thought perhaps he could send him along to have a word with him.

The whole idea of that happening makes my blood run, I've continued to choose not to tell England whenever Canada goes on one of his rants. I'm not sure this would help the situtation any, in fact, I'm sure it wouldn't, so for now, I'm keen to leave that out of any conversations I have with England in the future. He doesn't need to know. Besides, this is not his doing, it's mine, and considering I've made myself this mess...I shall endeavour to clean it up as best I can without anyone else's assistance.

Sooo, for the time being, I shall plod on (possibly getting myself deeper into the crap), and hope that eventually with time, things will settle.

Now, what do I do about this newly acquired shirt? I don't feel right wearing it at the moment, if ever.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Dangers of 3 Way Calling

Years ago, when I was a normal woman and didn't have two men from different countries fighting for and against her, I had a 4 month fling with a fellow softballer. He was hard work...had difficulty communicating really...but I refused to give up because I'm that kinda girl and if it falls to pieces then I did all I could. Savvy?

So, eventually, it came to an end. In fact, he dumped me via email, boo. But that's ok, cos I wasn't heartbroken or devastated or the was more a sigh of relief that I didn't have to keep going with something that really wasn't working.

One day, I receive a letter in the post from the finance company that takes care of my local gym...they say I owe them $50 for whatever reason, so I ring to sort out the problem and leave a message on their answerphone giving my full name and saying I'll be in on Wednesday to settle the account.

Then, I ring my best mate and have a conversation with her, we talked about the message I left and I tell her what I really wanted to say was "I'm sorry, I won't be able to pay that $50 back because my good friend is having a sex toy party tonight, and due to the fact that my boyfriend just dumped me, I really must make it a priority in my life right now, to attend said party and acquire something that knows nothing about email"....we laugh and then continue to talk about past lovers, how good they were or little quirks they had etc.

5 minutes later the next words heard on the phone make me gasp in horror ..."Your message has now exceeded the time limit, thank you, goodbye"...OH MY GOD! *thud*

Every time I think about this I blush and think how stupid I was to not check that I hadn't hung up on the finance company first before calling my friend. I mean to say...once when we rang Vodafone together and talked about various products that we were thinking of purchasing....after we thought we'd hung up, the chap was still indeed on the phone listening in...but we weren't aware of that til my friend decided she needed to pee and took us both to the toilet with her. I'm always horrified when she does that, and I tell her so...and she was being blaise about it and said some smart comment...and was answered by the Vodafone man.

You'd think we'd have learnt how all the bells and whistles on our phones worked after that wouldn't you?

Oh, and one more thing, I never did return to that gym...I was mortified that swiping my card into their computer the next time I turned up there was going to have something flash up on their computer like "this is the phone know, that phone girl".
Monday, February 07, 2005

Chicken Soup for the Soul

I was reading through the abovenamed book the other day...came across something I thought was so sweet I wanted to share it with you all. No doubt some of you would have seen this but hey, it doesn't hurt to read it again.

"So you think I'm courageous?" she asked.
"Yes, I do."
"Perhaps I am. But that's because I've had some inspiring teachers. I'll tell you about one of them. Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Standford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liza'.
"As the transfusion progressed, he lay in a bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
"Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor, he thought he was going to have to give her ALL his blood."
"Yes, I've learned courage," she added, "because I've had inspiring teachers."

Now isn't that just so friggin' lovely??

Sunday, February 06, 2005

In Sync

Canada and England seem to be in sync with each other. If this situation wasn’t such a mess, that would be amusing.

The drama with Canada continued. He said he was now going to take out an advert in my local paper and run full names and go into detail of the situation, including involving two of my good friends. One of which was not faithful to her partner while we were away. I expect that’s all talk. I’m not sure any paper will be publishing anything that could bring a character defamation suit against them. Ok, maybe the Enquirer, but that’s not my local paper, so no problem there.

My chat with England started almost straight away with the news that he’d recently heard from an old flame of his, she lives in Greece but would be staying in London for a few months, maybe longer, on business. She wanted to see him. It was an uncomfortable chat for me...I felt numb with disbelief...I wasn’t sure how to react to that. What could I say? I could hardly complain and throw a tantrum after what I’d done. It would have been extremely hypocritical of me to do so. So I shut my mouth, and made appropriate noises at the right times. He knew I was squirming and said so. The main thing that upset me most was the fact that he appeared to be taunting me with it. Dangling the hurt...the possibility that he might go ahead and see her again. And he made it clear that he was telling me about her getting in touch with him out of honesty...said he felt I had a right to know…backing that up with “which is more than you afforded me”.

After more squirming on my part, and more taunting on his, he eventually said “anyhow, I’m not going, so there. I don’t think we need any more problems to add to this pile right now”. I didn’t know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or smack him for dragging that out so much. I still feel a little numb about the whole chat to be honest.

Both these men obviously want to hurt me at the moment, and I have to say, they’re achieving their goals. In some ways I wish they’d stagger their timing...I’m not sure I can continue to cope with the double whammies I keep being dealt.
Saturday, February 05, 2005

Melting Moments

I'm wearing a dress today. This is a pretty amazing fete for me, cos I never wear dresses. Last time I wore a dress it was my wedding day, 16 years ago (ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it's been a long time). But today, I am wearing a thin indian cotton button up the front ensemble, colour being red...because it's sooo friggin hot! To be honest, I'd rather be naked and not wear anything right now, but even being naked would not cool me down in this temperature.

I think I need to reassess my drinking water regime....last night I had to get up 5 times during the night to pee. 5 TIMES! That's more broken sleep than I care to have, and makes a very nasty me to be dealing with the next day. I've already drunk at least 3 litres of the damn stuff today and perhaps I should stop now. But..but...but...I might dehydrate in this heat! *sigh*

I just played in my first backgammon tournament since last weekend. My best friend hosted the tourny and I told her I'd play. I played in a different room than I used to, so that would seem ok...'cept it wasn't....Canada came in and saw me and then all hell broke loose..again. My best friend and him going at in the lobby of the tournament. Jesus, I'm so fucking tired and of all this shit!

13 is grounded this weekend. This is only the second time I've ever grounded him...but he deliberately deceived me about something the other day before school, and so he has to deal with the going out, noone coming around here and no telephone (which is pretty much is lifeline these days, he's on it more than I ever used to be).

Course, I haven't seen him but once, and that was when he came out of his room to eat. I know he's not online, because I've pulled the ethernet cable out of the back of the router, so that's got that other sordid business sorted too for the time being. I'll be buggered if he's going to hole up in his room and look at porn for the day.

I am going to be chatting to England that is at least something positive to look forward to...or is it? never know these days....things tend to switch on me at the drop of a hat.

*crosses fingers*
Friday, February 04, 2005


I've got to crawl under the house today, not my favourite past time...but I have to get under there with all the dust and spiders and unscrew, unblock the S bend under the shower.

I have to do this because when I was in the shower this morning, I noticed the water rising around my feet, not draining away like normal showers are supposed to.

I've done this before, it's one of the more disgusting things I've done...well, it ranks right up there with the rest of them anyway. And you know what's in that S bend waiting for me?... my hair, my dead skin, shampoo/conditioner and soap that have been mixed with my body stink..and the same for my teenage boys...but mainly my hair, and oh my god, it's revolting!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing the occasional DIY stuff around my home. In fact, late last year I had a go at replacing the light switch in the bathroom. It was stuffed, just wouldn't work. So I switched off the mains and unscrewed the switch from the wall (15 was hanging over me almost the entire time, insisting I wear rubber gloves, I tried the gloves thing to placate him, it was hopeless I couldn't rewire a new switch with bloody bulky gloves on). When I finished I felt oh so independent and kick ass!

Earlier the day before the laundry doorknob mechanism stopped working...door was shut tight and couldn't be opened. So now that I'd dealt with the light switch I was feeling confident about taking on the door. I went around through the back door and knocked the pins out of the hinges, had 15 on the other side and told him to thump the door towards me....I hear *tap tap tap*....sheesh, how did he think that was going to move the damn door? I yell through the door "come on honey, you need to hit it harder"...the reply comes back "but it might fall on you" sweet..he's concerned the door's going to flatten me I guess.

We eventually got it off it's hinges...removed the crapped out doorknob, hung the door back on it's hinges and I replaced the doorknob...was kinda fun really.

Doing things like this (and thank goodness I don't have to do them often) always makes me feel like standing up and beating my chest and letting out a cry of victory. Ok, it's only a lightswitch and a door, but hey, it all counts.
Thursday, February 03, 2005

Another blast from the past

Just wanted to add to my previous post one other young man I 'went' with. He was rather appealling to look at really. Kinda like Ricky Martin (and who hasn't drooled over him at one time or another?). I had spoken to him over the phone several times, kept putting him off, telling him I wasn't interested and to go looking elsewhere.

He persisted and eventually I met up with him one afternoon, at his home. Ok, blah blah blah happened, and I left in time to pick my boys up from school.

For the next two years, this young chap continued to ring me, harrass me, tried to meet up with me to give me presents etc. After being nice about it and saying no, I became soooo incredibly rude to him during the phone calls...always. Where was the man's dignity? It was obvious I didn't want him, why would any normal person continue to persue someone who had made it blatantly obvious they weren't interested? I guess there's the answer...he can't have been any normal person.

I ended up going to the local police station....had to sit down and fill out an incident report (my brother had since moved to Aus and become part of the forces over there). Had to spill out the whole story in detail...and this after I'd got back on track ages ago. Just shows how things from your past can come back to haunt you. The police issued him with some kind of order, it basically said he wasn't to be in touch with me in any way over the next 12 months or he'd be arrested.

Soooo, 12 months go by...I get a phone's him...he'd just found the letter from the cops, and realised that his 12 months was now over, and would I mind if he rang me again? OMG! Can you believe that??! I told him no and if he did, he'd get a visit from the police again. Do I need to tell you that he got another visit? The man must be a fruit loop.

I ran into him once in the local supermarket...we both did a double take...I had 13 with me. I pretended I didn't see him, and went about my grocery shopping....Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him following me...all round the frozen section, from the fruit and veges, and over to the cracker aisle. At this stage I was extremely tense but keeping it together for my son. I eventually rang my best friend, and just as she answered the phone, he approached me (probably thought I was calling the cops, which I shoulda been I know).

He wanted to chit chat, ask how I was, did I have a good Xmas, told me a bit about his Xmas (like I cared)...and then asked if he could ring me again. (And to think, way back years ago, I felt like wearing a badge stating that I had slept with someone 10 years younger than bloody stupid of me!)

What was it about me at that time of my life? Was I a magnet for all the fruit loops in the universe? Or was I just so insecure about who I was and whether I could still draw the men that I went with and for the nearest and fastest line?

Thinking about the past

I've been thinking about some of the 'situations' I've put myself in after my marriage broke down over 6 years ago now. Was wondering if others had done some of the unnecessary things I did after my husband left the house.

I seem to become obssesed with men (actually, I know I did). My closest friend was brilliant, she never rolled her eyes (not that I saw), never told to get a "grip and get over it", and in fact one of my other friends seem to thrive on living on my single life at the time.

When I think back now I'm horrified at some of the things I did. Not the usual kinda thing you'd expect from a 33 year old mother of two to be up to.

I never did anything too seedy, but for was quite out of character to be going to strange mens homes and eventually ending up in the sack with them *shudder*. One chap was shorter than me (no offence to shorter men), he had about 15 pins in his knee and dragged his leg along like Lurch off the Adams Family. I have no idea why I even slept with him, I felt no attraction to him whatsoever...his whole attitude put me off. I chose not to stay the night there, which set off a whole set of events....he became instantly depressed, told me he couldn't cope with it anymore and he would ring me later if he was still alive. I was out of there...after hearing that, there was no way in hell I would've been sticking around. Got out to my was absolutely pouring refused to was sitting in a dip in the road, so I couldn't even crash-start it (all things that had to be taken into consideration at 1am that morning). I needed a phone....nothing short of a scud missile was going to get me back in that house, so I trudged off down the street to find a light on in a neighbouring house.

Knocked on yet another stranger's door....big, no, huge dark man answers the door....I'm shaking and close to tears, asking to use the phone...he allows me inside and out of the corner of my eye, I see him step out onto the porch and look up and down the street. I ring a good friend and ask her to come and collect me, she knew where I was, I'd given her all the details before I took off on my 'adventure' that evening. Now, this particular friend is absolutely useless at driving at night time, let alone when it's hosing down..course, in my emotional state at the time, I never thought about any of that...I just wanted to get home!

I thank the kindly gentleman and make my way back out into the dark street, waiting in anticipation for my friend. 20 odd minutes or so later, I see car headlights coming down the street "oh thank god" I'm thinking to myself...I see my friend coming towards me....and then I see my friend driving straight past me. Oh lord, how could she possibly have missed me?? I was the only person standing out on the street at that hour of the morning.

Anyway, after actually standing in the middle of the road and waving my arms about she found me on her return drive down the other side of the street.

We drove home, mainly in silence, some laughter about how stupid it all was etc etc. (My younger brother is a police officer, and I just knew what his reaction to this was gonna be, best I didn't tell him).

Backtracking very quickly to that afternoon, I just received a slat bed, it was late, so I had propped it up against the wall in my bedroom to deal with the following day (or so I thought). Soooo, after all that, my girlfriend and I found ourselves screwing my new bed together at 3am that night. Shoulda been the only screwing I was doing.

I never played softball that next day. I rang the coach and bowed out, said I was unwell and couldn't make it. I spent most of the day in bed with the covers over my face trying to hide from the world.

That part of my life lasted approximately 5 months. At the time I felt that anytime the boys were staying at their Dad's, I had to take advantage of my alone-ness...I always went out, regardless of how knackered I felt, I still just had to go do something that seperated me from the house (and the rest of the normal planet I guess).

Thank goodness I'm out of that phase!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005


I am so tired tonight, I can't wait to get to bed. In fact, we are all going to bed early tonight. 15 is still knackered from being in Japan for a month, and 13 has an attitude I don't care much for. So those two in particular are definitely going to be in bed by 9. As for me? I might get to bed early and watch a little tv until I fall asleep.

I wonder if I'm more tired than usual cos I haven't been drinking Vs lately? Nah, don't think that's it....I've been drinking almost 3 litres of water every day to kinda replace the coldness of the V, all that water's got to be good for me. I think I feel better for it. I'm sure my teeth appreciate it at least.

The airport has been closed since 6.30 last night. The mist is so low in Wellington the past 28 hours or so that I can barely see the trees outside my bedroom window. It's still muggy and very wind...feels like earthquake weather. God, like I need anymore of those around here....we've had clusters of earthquakes happening over the past week it's been quite scary. Yesterday I was 'shook' awake by a 5.9 on the richter scale at 6.30am.

I might be tired, but never too tired to be leaping out of bed for the door jamb if needs be.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Just Stuff

It is sooo hot today, I'm wracking my mind as to what I can wear to work this evening. Right now, I'd quite like to go in naked. Obviously that's a non starter.

15 is home and boy he's bought so much junk with him *sigh* More little gadgets to try and keep in one place. Lots of audio CDs, lots of PS2 games and a dual screen (which I knew he was going to buy because I brought 13 one back from Canada for Xmas). But did he have to bring home so much bloody crap!

Didn't get to talk to England this morning as scheduled. His rehearsal night was switched at the last minute, so I woke up to a text message apologising he wouldn't be available afterall.

This is my 14th day without a V. I actually had to go back and look at my posts on here to find out when I stopped drinking them. That's pretty good really....I figured when I stopped that I would be counting the days down. Not until I at least get past the first month will I relax about this V thing...and that's because I know I can already do without it for a month (when I was overseas).

13 has buggered off the swimming pool in town, after a whole lot of "no you're not going"s from me. I gave in, because instead of yelling back at me, he kinda softened and tried reasoning with me. It worked.

15's gone to school for orientation day for a couple of hours. Poor bugger, he's so tired, I had to wake him for breakfast this morning at 10.30. Let me just say that I don't usually cook breakfast in this house...but his first morning home I wanted to wake him with something nice, like the smell of bacon.

I've started thinking strongly about giving up smoking the past week or so, and even went so far as to let the nurse at work know my thoughts. Her eyes lit up with nothing short of glee, she was practically drooling at the idea. So, now I've started the ball rolling, I best start thinking harder and stronger about this. OMG, I don't think I'm ready yet!

Reasons why I want to give up smoking (in no particular order):

1. My blood pressure (another good reason to stop drinking V)
2. the state of my skin
3. the smell of it everywhere
4. I hate the idea that my hair might smell light smoke, blah
5. The kids keep giving me heaps about smoking inside
6. The house stinks in the morning when I get up
7. Everything in my house must smell like tobacco
8. The huge cost per annum

can't think of any more right now, but that'll do for starters.

9. I hate the fact that I seem to be coughing more disgusting is that??!