Because I can ...

Actually, I've changed my mind, I do have something I need to get out. Something that's been bugging me for the past few days since I walked into 13's room and caught him looking at pornography on his computer. He didn't seem phased at all, just closed down the screen he was looking at, feigned innocence that he didn't realise it was porn and I let him off the hook by saying "does that kinda stuff just keep popping up on your screen?". To which he answered "yes". So I scanned his machine, got rid of popups and anything that looked remotely like a popup, defragged and am hoping I won't see that happen again. Now, I don't want to overreact to this, he's at an age where this kind of thing is going to happen I suspect...curiosity getting the better of him etc. But is he really too young to be looking at things like that? I mean, you have to be at least 16 to do the deed don't you?...and in fact here in NZ, you can't eve

15 comes home tomorrow! yayyyyyy! I've been madly running around doing housework to get everything nice and tidy and clean for him. Amazing eh? lol Not sure why I even bothered...it's not like he's never seen the house untidy or dirty before. It is such a GORGEOUS day today, and it's hot, soooo hot, I feel like I'm melting. I love it when the sun shines...lets off all that seratonin, makes us feel really good. My newly married tenants are back and all kittens are present. They look harrassed and tired (the tenants not the kittens). No wonder after driving for several hours in this heat. I don't have much to write unless you want to hear what's happening with England and Canada again, and I suspect all that business is getting rather boring for you. God only knows I'm getting fed up discussing it all.

13 and I went out today. Not anywhere special really, just to do stationery shopping because college (high school) starts back next week. My god, I hate this part of the year! After we’d messed around in the store for ages, dodging around other parents and children and finding all the necessary items we get to the check out – it only cost me $73! That’s right, only $73, I didn’t miss a 2 at the front of that. It’s made me wonder if perhaps I have forgotten something really important. I don’t believe their combined stationery has ever cost me such a small amount. Stopped into the supermarket next – we were in desperate need of toilet paper, and I was getting fed up with using handy towels (they’re the handiest towel around, don’t ya know?). 13 reaches for a pack of rolls that have pictures printed on…don’t know what they were, little doodas, marine animals, seashells, whatever…I say “no, I like these best” reaching for the white quilted sort. He says “nah, let’s get these”,

I heard from 15 yesterday. Two emails, yep, that’s right, not one but two! Guess them coming in ‘bulk’ like that should appease me in some way. Anyway, he’s having a fantastic time, it’s snowing, and I quote “OMG SO MUCH SNOW!!! IT’S AWESOME!” unquote. Being Kiwis living in the capital city of New Zealand, we don’t have much call for snow here I’m afraid, so the novelty of that is pretty spectacular to him. Sounds to me like he’s enjoying the shopping more than anything else. My chat with England last night was the other side of spectacular actually, it was pretty damn horrible to say the least. Mind you, I guess I’ve been through worse with him lately. He’s still having trouble getting his head around what I’ve done. Said “...for you to go to Canada and fall into bed at the drop of a hat, just all seems too easy to me”. Boy I’m getting fed up with us talking about this all the time! I want to move on and be excited about planning this trip with him. Course, the perpetr

On the dilemma of England and Canada, today has not been a particularly good day really. Last night I decided it was time I could go into the room with my usual nic on...this week I've been going in there more often under different nics, and unfortunately on a couple of occasions I've been assigned to Canada and had to play against him. Like I said, last night I went in under my old nic, thought he'd be asleep at that time of night...not so....he came into the room after I'd been assigned my first opponent and 2 minutes later I received an email from him "so much for not playing in here any more"...that started off a string of emails back and forth between us, that didn't finish til a couple of hours after I got up this morning. So now I have promised him I won't go into that room at all, not ever...a mutual friend of ours reckoned he was ok with things and he would cope with me being there...I should've gone with my gut instinct and not turned

I haven't heard from 15 for almost two weeks now. Hence I'm starting to get a little worried. I see my Visa balance rising and I wonder if he has enough money for what he needs or wants over there in Japan. Being the true paranoid mother that I can be at times, I write an email to one of the teachers that's over there with him, asking her to basically give him a smack in the back of the head and send word home so his mother can relax. I received her reply this morning. She said all's well, and that unfortunately for most of the kids, a lot of their last homestays didn't have internet, and at the school they could only read the messages, not reply to them. So, I feel better now....I know he's still alive and I know he has enough money (she mentioned that she felt sure he had already bought whatever he wanted while he was there). Man, I miss that kid! Despite the fact that he's quite a bit taller than me and gives me a fair bit of schtick at times, I

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ok, it's not for ages yet, but even so, it's feeling pretty exciting lol. Spoke to England again this morning. We discussed when would be a good time for me to be over there and have decided that after the wedding would be best. That way I don't have to rush off if I don't want to. This also gives me more time to get cash together and the boys will be back at school, so I'll get the chance to settle them there before I go. Haven't worked out what I'm going to do with them yet, but hoping Dad will come to the party again and help me on that one. AND, what's even better is, the bride-to-be rang me last night, she thinks she's found a venue she's happy with down here, so I may not have to worry about the financial side of things to get up north. yes! Shouldn't count my chickens til they're hatched really, need to wait for confirmation on that one. I spoke to the practise manager at work, told her that anyone that needs their

Things settled down in our chat, he knew how difficult telling had been. It's a strong man that can listen to his loved one go into such graphic detail about her affair with another and still be calm. I know it was painful for him but he obviously had to find out, and hopefully now that he knows, it'll help us move on. **** I told him I had something else I wanted to discuss with him, and I asked that we shut down that particular chat screen and open a new one for our new subject. So, I bring up the fact that I've been thinking about coming over there. That I want to stay with him, and I want to put some plans in place, set a financial goal for myself, find out how much I need and work my way up from there (thank you Bella, for the inspiration). He was delighted. He started talking about what we could do, where we could go, what he wanted to show me. He suggested that we spend a week in London (I'm assuming that's after he picks me up from the airport

Last night England wanted me to tell him about sex with Canada. He actually wanted me to go into detail...right down to the nitty gritty. I told him I'm not sure how doing that would help us move forward. Felt that it would be like driving the knife in deeper for him. But he said it hurt more not knowing...he needed to hear it all, so he could accept it and move on. The logic of that was lost on me. He also made it clear that he didn't want to hear it to get his kicks out of it. It was important to him to know exactly what happened, how it started...he wanted to know, did I enjoy it? was it good? I told him it would be easier if he asked questions and I would give him straight answers...but he said no, he needed to hear it from my perspective, hear it in my own words. So I started to talk about it...hesitating and faltering all the way....and I bawled like a baby the entire time. He was silent while I typed and I sat here so wanting him to interrupt me...so wanting

It's been brought to my notice that I should elaborate on my use of the word fanny in my previous post. I wouldn't like anyone to be thinking I've been taking a shot of my arsehole really. Bad enough that I had to get into such a position to take a shot of the other bit. The 'other bit' being my pussy *blush*. I don't have much of a problem saying this word out loud, or even writing it when speaking to those I'm closest to, but when it came to writing it in here "fanny" sounded better, more subdued to my eyes. Anyway, I looked it up in the dictionary, it says " fanny n. sl . female genitals. US sl . buttocks. [orig. unkn.] ugly nether regions of Sara" Ok, that's a lie, I put that last part in myself. But it does show that I wasn't wrong with using the word fanny, except for the US citizens who think it's my butt.

This afternoon I spent some time in the bedroom trying to take a photo of my nether regions for England. My god, what a fiasco that was. I have to say here, I tried this a couple of nights ago, it was late, I had the flash setting on, and each picture I took looked like I had the sun shining out of my fanny, so I gave up. I mean to say, I'm sure we'd all like to think we've a bright light shining out of us for someone right? and my ex husband always said I was sitting on the biggest gold mine there was, but it wasn't a true showing of what I really look like down there, so I deleted all those (thank god for the delete function on digital cameras). Today however, I managed to get it sorted, natural light, no flash, just me. Good Lord, have you even seen anything so hideously ugly before?? I'm not one for inspecting myself on a regular basis in the mirror in that position, and now that I've seen a close up of it, it's no bloody wonder ! And then

Bella has got me to thinking. I need a more positive direction to go in with England. I need to set a goal and a date and sort out my finances and get my hiney over there. After the initial chat of confessing all about Canada and trying to work through it with England, I said to him (England) "perhaps next time we get online and chat we can talk about what we expect of and from each other?" He told me to slow down and let's get over this hurdle first. I suspect his heart rate had gone up and he was thinking I meant something along the lines of a marriage proposal or some such milarky. Not so. I meant as far as timing for texting and perhaps more chatting and being more open with each other. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves etc. This weekend I'm going to talk to him about visiting him in England. God knows we used to talk about it at length. I briefly brought the subject up a couple of weeks ago, saying how very expensive it is over there. Well let's

A 9 year old boy came in today. Well, his mother did. He sat in the car in too much pain, couldn't move without his shoulder hurting so badly. The doctors are tied up, can't disturb them yet. So, I'm standing outside the closed door of the nurse's room, calling to her through the door. She comes back with "do you really really need me right now?" I say "nah, it's ok, don't worry about it, I'll get it sorted". I go back to the front desk, check the schedule. The nurse is actually in the midst of performing a cervical smear...and I'm yelling at her through the door...the patient was probably lying back with her legs spread trying to pretend the nurse wasn't calling into her fanny....not a good look for public relations. Eventually, the doctor comes bounding out to collect his patient (he's always so enthusiastic when they're this age, I recall him saying to me once "do you know what the average age of my p

Work wasn't frantic, just constant this afternoon, I actually made it out of there by 6pm. Different story for the doctors. We only had two doctors on this afternoon...both men. Neither of them thought the other was there, they'd had no time to even sight each other. I had a slight disagreement with a 94 year old *embarrassed expression*. He was insisting he'd paid an account, and I had no record whatsoever of it being paid. The software we use is very precise. I hate arguing over money! Especially with 94 year olds, you never know if their blood pressure is rising as you try talking softly but firmly with them *sigh* Positives for the day: 13 brought all the washing in and emptied the dishwasher without me having to ring from work and ask him; I received word from 15 himself, he's having a terrific time, says Japan is amazing, and "I haven't lost anything, so be happy". (His email ended with "they have vending machines everywhere and t

I walked into the laundry this morning to find the cat had crapped all over the floor (my own fault, I'd locked her in there last night without realising). I cleaned that up, gagging the entire time. I miss Canada alot today. Miss talking to him, the banter and the feeling of adoring love he would shower on me. Selfish of me really. I need to hang out the washing and get ready for work. Working at 1pm today and closing up the surgery, so I guess I'll be there until around 6.30ish. Today does not feel like a good day.

Sunday afternoon, before the evening of all the hoorah with England, I got a call from a close friend of mine. Her relationship of almost 3 years had finally come to an end, and strong woman that she is, she was falling to pieces. Her ex boyfriend, had told her, right from the start, that he wanted children, but he also knew, right from the start that due to untold woman's problems, she'd had to have the surgery necessary to stop producing said offspring (in fact he visited her in hospital and supported her during this difficult body adjustment). So why did they continue to cling to each other for the next almost 3 years? My girlfriend did everything she thought he wanted, she lost weight, she lightened her hair (apparently he's partial to blondes) and whatever else she thought he wanted, and he lapped it all up. Is she a foolish woman for continuing with him for such a length of time? I mean, afterall, he did tell her didn't he? He also told her that he loved

Well, let me tell you about my experience with England last night. I know you're not really that interested, but hey, documented proof is documented proof afterall. Right, the scene is set. I've got the laptop booted up and ready to connect to ICQ and yahoo, I've got the headset/microphone sitting on the bed, ready and waiting, I've plugged the ethernet cable into the back of the laptop and I've got the camera sitting across the room on top of my tallboy, waiting to shoot me in all my um glory. So, prior to all this happening, I test out the webcam bit, make sure the angle's right, the lighting etc...no point in turning it on if all he gets to see is the ceiling light...I grab a good friend on yahoo, send her a message saying "so, what do you reckon?" she looks..."OMG, it makes you look HUGE!" (oh christ, I think, that's all I need). So I decide to skip the webcam thingy...chicken. Which is just as well, cos I wasn't too k

I sat here this afternoon, mindlessly playing Bejewelled, and thought to myself “am I a particularly complicated woman?” I didn’t think so, but everything of late has me dissecting all I do. England has been unhappy with me the past couple of days, for small things, I feel anyway. And quite frankly when he gets in a mood like that I feel like sending him a text and saying “oh ffs, is that really necessary??”. But I don’t, because I know that he is trying hard to ride this wave out and me saying crap like that to him will only exacerbate the situation *sigh* Is this another case of the bad boy winning out over the nice guy? I’m going to try something different with England tonight….I’m going to sit in my bed and chat to him either voice or typing on my laptop….I need to go the extra mile for him right now…he needs to see some kind of effort from me….AND....I’ve managed to get my digital camera to work with the laptop and make it into a web cam of sorts. Eeeeek! God help me!…*ru

I've spent the past couple of days (ok, not all day but feels like it) trying to add a hit counter to my blog. I've seen these on others blogs and have been through all manner of cutting, cutting and cutting but found nowhere I can paste to! I've read instructions upon instructions and still I can't figure it out? Is there some kinda weird community that only allows certain people to have hit counters on their blogs?? Or am I just too stupid to figure it out? I was attempting to do this without the help of 15, but it appears I just can't comprehend HTML stuff and will have to await his return *sigh*

I haven't been into the room today. Not even in a 'hider' nickname. I spoke to Canada this morning, voice chatting on yahoo. He keeps saying "you need to make the decision, if you want him more than me, then go to him". It breaks my heart that he's forgotten that I have made the decision. He doesn't want to believe it. I spoke to him today because a mutual friend of ours, who I thought I was able to confide in, had been telling him from what she's hearing, that I do indeed love him, that I miss him and she got the impression I want things to go back to the way they were. But more importantly, I spoke to him because I felt it was necessary for me to make him understand how special he was to me, that he was an important person in my life, not someone that I had used for my own benefit and then tossed aside. I couldn't possibly change my mind now. I felt better after I'd spoken to him, in fact, while he was talking to me, I felt that I

I feel I need to write something about England before you all think I'm potty and left him out of all these goings ons. England and I have indeed spoken about visiting each others countries. We spoke about it at length in the first couple of years. At the time I was never in a financial position to make that happen unfortunately. By the time I'd managed to get that part of my life sorted, I was in the process of talking to Canada. England, I felt, had slipped away....our relationship appeared to change levels....to me, we were now good friends small talking about our lives when we had the chance. Our chats had dwindled to once a fortnight, sometimes monthly, and I felt he wasn't so interest in being anything more than my friend. Not my lover or partner. It saddened me to feel that way but I accepted it too readily and moved on, keeping him in the back of my mind and heart, and comparing all other men to the way I first felt about him. Noone has ever affected me with t

This post is largely for Bella. As you know, I've had an online love for over 5 years now, and yes, I got some weird looks from friends and family about the going's on in my heart and mind. When England and I first met online, it took me all of 3 days to feel the pull contantly towards him. There was something about the way he strung words together, his cutting wit was a twin of mine, he's a strong, powerful personality and soon I could think of nothing else but him. Whenever I saw his name pop up on ICQ, I'd get a warm rush, an adrenalin rush. It felt bloody good and I wasn't going to stop, had to have my fix of him. For those that don't chat online, they don't understand how such love can happen. They also think that internet people are fruit loops, axe murderers and 13 year old boys out to get their kicks. I, like Bella, was getting fed up trying to explain something others can't comprehend. At the time it seemed there was an awful amount

A friend sent me one of those emails that you have to answer questions and write peoples names to colours blah blah blah. There were only 4 questions, so I think, "ah what the heck, have a go, I aint got nothin' else to do right?" I finished it off and read what the results are at the bottom of the email. Well, it seems that England is the person I truly love....and Canada is my twin soul. Someone explain that to me please? How was I supposed to choose one of those over the other? I wrote a HUGE post on here in relation to meeting online loves and how I explained it to my friends and family members (was largely for Bella that I wrote it)...the way I felt about online people etc...and for some reason it's disappeared into the ether. I understand about the systems of bugs and hiccups that can happen at times with websites, but may I just say "how bloody frustrating!"

Well, 15 is gone. We took him to the airport last night, 13 and I and stood and waited until the last possible minute before he got on the plane. There was only us and one other die-hard parent left, the two of us struggling to let go. He was looking smiley and relaxed and that's how it should be. I know he's going to miss us. He continued to wander over to the glass where we were to wave and smile. I kissed my hand and placed it on the glass and he did the same on the other side. Getting to the airport was an ordeal. Was plain sailing until we reached the Terrace Tunnel. Then nothing...sitting in traffic not moving at all. I was ready to get out of the car and yell "Hey! what the hell's going on here?". I was doing ok at that stage, had got used to the fact I was going to have to let him go.....but anymore of this waiting was going to undo me. There was an accident in the tunnel and the police had arrived and were starting to clear it. And guess

Someone commented on my blog today, didn't realise how exciting that was til I saw the little "1 comment". Thank you Bella. Your words are much appreciated. Please don't think badly of Canada, he's a wonderful, loving man....a proud man. And for the time being he's calmed down somewhat. I hated turning him into that 'other' person, even for 24 hours...that's my fault he became that way. A mutual friend of ours spoke to him the other day...she copy and pasted one of his messages to me. "There have only been 3 women in my life that I've wanted to stay with. She was the only one I felt I was born to be with" Well, you can just imagine....more tears from me. I read some of your blog. The part where you are going to meet Nick is VERY exciting. I am filled with nervous apprehension and giddy excitement of it all on your behalf. I have no regrets about meeting Canada. I had an amazing wonderful time with him. After t

My son is leaving the country tonight and winging his way to Japan. I have been out early today, buying up a few extra bits as pieces, like NZ souvenirs for his host families, camera film etc. I'm putting on a brave face....a positive smiley face for him....don't want him to know how I'm really feeling about it. It wasn't so bad when I left them behind ....I felt confident that I could handle any given situation should it arise...but my oldest baby? (15)....I'm not so sure. I won't be there to protect him. I'm finding this a bit tough to cope with. Earlier I said to him "Do you know how to say 'Please help me! There's a man chasing me with a knife!' in Japanese?" He replies with a bored expresion "no mum". I fling myself at him and cry "Please learn now, just in case!" *sob* The worse part of this is he thinks I'm joking. How do you we do this? How do you let go of your offspring and watch them

I've been going into the room lately, in a different nic..hiding...just so I can see Canada's nic in the room...how pathetic is THAT? I daren't go in under my usual nic...I can just imagine the IMs and MSN messages ringing out with great speed and gossipy enthusiasm. For someone who has always said she doesn't give a toss about what others think or say, this is new ground for me. I do care....I care alot. Yet, I feel the need to see some sign of him. See that things can be normal...all I guess it proves is that life goes on regardless of all the upsets we go through. It's a nice safe feeling seeing him there....can't let him see me...would hurt him more...still, a nice warm feeling ensues when I see him anyway. Oh well, we all have to live with choices we don't like at some time or other.

This morning when I woke up, I decided to try to shut out the past difficulties and get on with life! I would say I bounced out of bed with refreshed energy and the excitement of a new day but that would be lying. I kinda turned the covers back, rolled out, dreamily wiped the sleep from my eyes, yawned, farted and stumbled to the loo. My oldest (15) is going to Japan on Thursday for 4 weeks. As fed up as I get with his know-everything attitude and the look of disdain on his face when I do or say things he doesn't approve of (kinda like having my Dad living with me sometimes)...I'm going to miss him like hell. He's my rock, my sounding board, my buddy. I've been given strict instructions I'm not allowed to cry at the airport. Last time we said goodbye at the airport, I was "heinous" apparently. Ok, yes, I must agree, I did fall to pieces saying goodbye to my kids when I left the country, but heinous? I looked that up in the dictionary..."

I miss Canada more than he's ever going to believe. Crazy huh? After everything I've been through with him in the past few days. But that's only a reaction to what's happened. If I had decided that I wanted to change my mind, and tried grovelling back with words of love and promises of the future...how could he ever believe anything I said to him anymore? I can't do that...I have to be strong and follow this through. It certainly is difficult at the moment though. A real rollercoaste of emotions. I'm sure I've done the right thing. It was best for both of them. Unfortunately Canada is a completely innocent party...he did no wrong...never hurt me in any shape or form. England and I are working through this...he's been incredibly supportive about the Canada thing. Didn't expect him to be that way. Both of them would like to rip each other apart. Stands to reason I guess. And me...what about me? I'm sitting in the middle, lookin

Been one hell of a night. Canada went on a rampage last nght. He went into a mutual room that we've frequented over the past 18 months (on a daily basis) and threw our dirty laundry all through the lobby. He posted intimate pictures of me that I had given him in confidence (as lovers do at times) on his msn, and people were logging in deliberately to take part of my humiliation. My phone rang several times, starting at 4am this morning and each time I answered it was hung up in my ear. He's pissed...big time. He eventually spoke to me on the last call...forced me into a corner and refused to stop harrassing me unless I told him I didn't love him, that I'd never loved him and that I loved England more. I couldn't say it. After much tooing and froing and a lot of him yelling questions but not allowing me to answer....I said "I do love you, but I love him more"...that's apparently not what he wanted to hear, but he said goodbye and hung up. T

Well, I said goodbye to Canada yesterday. I cried all day. I was a coward and wrote an email saying goodbye. We had talked on a daily basis on mics using yahoo voice chat and I had planned to talk to him about it via that avenue, but I knew once I heard his voice I would've broken down and cried and he wouldn't be able to make sense of my words. He's angry. Very angry. And who can blame him? He doesn't believe anything I said to him in the past, thinks I lied to him about how I felt. But I did love him, and I still do. In all fairness I can't love two men at the same time. It's not fair on either of them. Now I hear he's going to post on a mutual website. He's going to air our dirty laundry to people we know mutually online...people we've been friends with for a long time, and from what I've heard, none of it's going to be pretty. He says this is war. He's going to do what he can to ruin what little dignity I have left.

1. I come from a family of 6. Four children, two parents. I come in second. Two sisters, and my brother is the baby of the family. 2. I'm the only child that was planned. Which could have me thinking I'm "the Chosen One". When I went through my teens, my father continued to called me "the good one" 3. I used to do a lot of singing on stage up to the age of 16. Came first in many talent quests and competitions and have sung on tv once. 4. I started smoking at the age of 18 and ruined my singing career (haha), so now I only sing in the shower. 5. I'm made up of all the colours of the rainbow. Nah...I'm half polynesian islander, my father is a full blooded Niue island boy...my mother is part German, English and Welsh. (I always wondered how my grandparents got together during those years.) 6. I have two godsons. One is 17 and now lives up north...the other recently turned 5..started school...and in his first week was scolded twice for swearing and once